-- Socrates
First of all, I'd like to sum up this whole day by using a language I created myself.
ASDLASFAI AHSOIAFASOASI OFAOGHAOGHAOIG? ASDAOHDOIAASDAS! ASKLGNSGIOSIOG KHAHLSDGOILN OINALKOGIAHIODHIO IHIOASDNSOGOALIOAETYUEJN OHAJNSDVU UAYEUORASF OUAHOAIHG UHAOUW HIOATANVN AFHAOIF OIAGHOAFNAOI! OADFIOFNOAIFHAOIA. AOUNWVOIAOUHAVOUBUOEHDGOHOGNIEGG. ASODNOAFHOADAAAARRGGHGHH!
HOTTT NAAA DAAA VIDAHHHAJAA JJEEEKUURRR AAA JJGGAAA SSAAAA HHHUUUSSSOOOHHHH HOOOSSHHHHAAAA.
--
You know, the more you think you get something, the more it hurts when you realize you actually don't. But honestly, we can't be allowed to feel just a little satisfied with ourselves? I don't know. I really don't know anymore. I...just...don't know.
I just don't know. What if I used that as my tag line? "I don't know." Socrates had "All I know is that I know nothing" and I'll have "I don't know". I don't know. You have no idea how much I really don't know anything at this point. And this isn't just about the big decline of my Scenario Development presentation today. I'm talking about everything -well, that was half a lie. Truthfully, it was caused by today's failure of presentation, but it then led to other problems. Today's presentation was only the trigger. Typical as I am, one problem erupts and the whole world seems to throw up every other issue I've ever dealt with and have been unable to solve in my face.
Why do I have to be so complicated? I wish I could break my mind into smaller fragments of information and then extract and derive them one by one. Like in mathematics. Derivative. Whatever. The point is, I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. Of myself. Of other people. Of myself among other people. Of myself among my colleagues. Of myself in the face of assigned challenges. You behold a new belief and once someone breaks it down to you in your face, everything else falls apart. That was the accumulation of today's entire line-up I guess.
I don't know. I start to feel a bit confident about myself, and then before you know it, at the same time, the world sort of conspires to throw this whole pile of truths up at my face, and I feel all loser-esque again.
Maybe that's why the older I grow, the more I'm scared of getting too close with other people. I don't understand either. I mean, what is it with me and people? But if only we existed as non-physical entities, spirits felt but not seen -I don't know if that would make things much better, but at least, I didn't have to suffer a mismatch of both my physical being and psychological state. Omg what is the point that I'm trying to deliver, really? I don't know. I'm just...writing to make myself feel better. Maybe what I'm trying to say is, I have these expectations, right, of people and of me? And most of the time, these expectations go...haywire. But I can't help having these expectations, they're subconsciously formed. So what can I do about it, right? In the end it will all conclude to the fact that we know nothing. Absolutely nothing. --Okay, I know, Socrates was talking of something of a more grand earthly, humane, physical / psychological material than this, but I'm only talking about how it's relatable with me right now, okay? Anyway.
The title today could relate to anything in our lives, in fact, but right now it just clicks with what I'm facing now.
I just feel like a complete nonentity right now. And I know nothing. I just don't know.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
so I was looking up my tumblr archive and found this.
I wrote this on December 29, 2010, as a response towards a hate blog against my country and particular accusations addressed to me that time. I'm re-posting this because I realize I had some important points to deliver, points that I still hold on to till now.
-
Why can't we be realistic about our country? Don't tell me I don't love this country. I love, therefore I think.
The moment we begin bringing all the bad stuff about this country, some people note it as bashing and hating on their own country. Well there’s nothing wrong in saying something bad about what we love in self-introspection. In this case, homeland-introspection. It’s the need to be realistic, realizing what’s going on and admitting it, in order for us young generations to be able to take care of it in the future. To take care of it now, if we can. We’re the ones who hold the future, and we have that chance to change the face of our country today.
Yesterday I read a blog that specifically wrote entries that excruciatingly in detail bashed everything about my country all the way, all the entire freakin’ way, and that person from neighbor country M has stopped posting in that blog since a year ago, answering to protests perhaps, I don’t know. But it’s made me think about what’s really going on with the people in my country. It’s not about what or how the b*stard says these things, of course they are all painful to read and to take into understanding, but it’s the sense of dawning I got when I read them: remove all the EXCESS BASHING and TOTAL MISTREATMENT and INAPPROPRIATE way to deliver and ANGRY HYPERBOLE ACCUSATIONS and PAINFULLY IDIOTIC MISREADING, some of the very core points of what he’s saying (and I state this with immense pain in my heart), the core points, are TRUE.
If you didn’t get this: NO, they are not ENTIRELY TRUE, but his/her POINT is true and we can’t deny it no matter how hurtful it is.
Admit it, the social gap between the rich and the poor in our country is so huge. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. Wanna see the true face of this country? It’s those millions of homeless who wander the streets, it’s those beggars, it’s children abandoned from education and attention and growing up with the potential of becoming criminals, it’s those millions of families having difficulty seeking reassurance and insurance in health and safety and so on and so on, it’s those criminals who when they were children had potentials of becoming good people dedicated to the society if only the government and everybody else had paid attention and aided their needs to survive.. And that is only a fraction of the whole big picture. Us? We’re just a facade. A really nice one.
Not many of our people have the chance to get the education they need, hell some of the biggest problems in this country come from those so-called education elites.. Corruption? … I stop at that and let you think further on. Okay, so back to speaking of education. I don’t know what exact percentage would represent the number from the approximately 230 million people in this country who never had the chance to go to school and get education, but I know that it’s a huge amount of people, and besides you couldn’t get the exact percentage anyway, because you can’t limit education into a ‘one box’ context. Education doesn’t always mean going to school, it also means having a role model, having someone to look up to, having guidance, and therefore, something as abstract as that doesn’t possibly need a percentage to represent it. Anyways, the point is, quite a huge amount of our people is still uneducated. In a way that neighbor country M grabs the opportunity to happily bash and make fun of this fact. ‘Uneducation’ may lead to the birth of criminals, and many other stuff I don’t quite understand. Fact is, they’re making fun of the fact that the majority of our human resources go and work in their country as.., you know, and then they torment the fact that we are so arrogant and our head is so big we aren’t able to see the feet we stand on. Am I making sense? I guess I’m starting to lose my point because writing all this down isn’t easy but I really feel like I need to say this stuff..
We should look at ourselves right now. We are starting to lose our identity. Most of us young generation people don’t know our country that well. Most of us don’t know our histories that well. Including me. Most of us city kids grow up infiltrated by the idea that the only thing cool nowadays is western, and if it ain’t western, it ain’t cool. Everything western people do is cool. French kissing? Sex before marriage? Clubbing, drinking? Honestly, since when did that become a trend? Western culture is the way of the future. That was sarcasm.
And hey, I’m not judging anyone here. I could be in any of those categories, for all you know. I’m just trying to objectively state the facts which are concerning to me… Okay, I’m losing the point again, geez.
The fact is that even some of the most educated people can act ‘uneducated’. We are opinionated, most of us. We are easily deceived, you know. We are easily affected by stuff, and we like to make a big deal out of things. The issues I’m trying to emphasize are those of which we could actually take into thoughtful consideration, or those that don’t need to actually be made a fuss about, we turn into something huge and respond to with a hot head. Heated demonstrations, burning stuff, destroying stuff.. Anarchism, terrorism, threats, school fights… Sometimes, no wait, all the time, we need to look at something from two points of perspectives and picture the situation from there, you know, it’s like literally drawing a perspective from two points instead of one. This way we can keep our heads cool and see stuff more clearly, more objectively, talk about things more diplomatically and in an elegant matter. You know, instead of all the riots, the fights, the threats of war, and sha la la la la……. Yes, I guess since that hate blog triggered me to write this, I’m specifically aiming at how me react to neighbor country M, respond heatedly too easily at what the media writes, what the media says, without knowing whether their statements are biased or not, whether their information is entirely true or not. Because you know, I don’t trust the media, and I have my own reasons to that. My dad always taught me to look at stuff from a wider perspective, and he also doesn’t trust the media that much. I just realized the two stuff I stated aren’t actually that precisely interrelated.
Anyways. We often react without further thinking, causing ourselves to do foolish acts, acts which bring on ridicules and concerns from neighboring countries, acts that lead to BIGGER situations and tougher ones than what already is.
Now, the government? Everyone knows. No need to talk much about that. Do I have to repeat the horrible fact about our position in corrupted countries rank? I don’t actually even know, because I don’t want to.
And our law? Which neighbor country M makes fun of? It’s true. We all know that here, rules are meant to be broken. Sarcasm again. But you know what, I’m not going to talk further about that, because I’m young and I don’t wanna go to jail.
I’m gonna stop right here then.
The point is, we gotta look into the mirror and see ourselves without makeup on, see ourselves without the nice facade, and dig out our minuses and fix them. I don’t know how to make that simpler.
How about, let’s forget about all the bad stuff and show more of the positive sides to our country? That’s not the point. If you’re talking about it in this particular context, that’s the same as letting our country be as it is, the same as not wanting a better future for this nation. We need to eliminate all those negative stuff, or at least minimize, because that’s the function, that’s the purpose, that’s the point, right? What use is having all the international achievements, if they’re only a facade of the true form? What use is having all the advantages of nature, beautiful BEAUTIFUL nature and RICH natural resources, if the humans who occupy it don’t know how to invest them, how to promote them, how to make the most of them, how precious assets they are to us, what USE? So, no, we can’t forget about the negative sides and say it’s better to just promote the positive sides. Because we are in introspection, and in introspection, we need to realize all the bad stuff first.
Positive thinking only works for a state of mind on a situation or condition, but you can’t apply that to yourself: “Hey, I bully people at school. No big deal, let’s just be positive, I’m attractive so that wouldn’t matter.” Positive thinking doesn’t work in self-retrospect. It only works in thought of other people or in situations.
I LOVE my country, and therefore I THINK. Don’t make me enemy of the state here, just for trying to be honest about my country.
Okay. Enough said for now. Goodnight. :)
December 29, 2010
-
Why can't we be realistic about our country? Don't tell me I don't love this country. I love, therefore I think.
The moment we begin bringing all the bad stuff about this country, some people note it as bashing and hating on their own country. Well there’s nothing wrong in saying something bad about what we love in self-introspection. In this case, homeland-introspection. It’s the need to be realistic, realizing what’s going on and admitting it, in order for us young generations to be able to take care of it in the future. To take care of it now, if we can. We’re the ones who hold the future, and we have that chance to change the face of our country today.
Yesterday I read a blog that specifically wrote entries that excruciatingly in detail bashed everything about my country all the way, all the entire freakin’ way, and that person from neighbor country M has stopped posting in that blog since a year ago, answering to protests perhaps, I don’t know. But it’s made me think about what’s really going on with the people in my country. It’s not about what or how the b*stard says these things, of course they are all painful to read and to take into understanding, but it’s the sense of dawning I got when I read them: remove all the EXCESS BASHING and TOTAL MISTREATMENT and INAPPROPRIATE way to deliver and ANGRY HYPERBOLE ACCUSATIONS and PAINFULLY IDIOTIC MISREADING, some of the very core points of what he’s saying (and I state this with immense pain in my heart), the core points, are TRUE.
If you didn’t get this: NO, they are not ENTIRELY TRUE, but his/her POINT is true and we can’t deny it no matter how hurtful it is.
Admit it, the social gap between the rich and the poor in our country is so huge. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. Wanna see the true face of this country? It’s those millions of homeless who wander the streets, it’s those beggars, it’s children abandoned from education and attention and growing up with the potential of becoming criminals, it’s those millions of families having difficulty seeking reassurance and insurance in health and safety and so on and so on, it’s those criminals who when they were children had potentials of becoming good people dedicated to the society if only the government and everybody else had paid attention and aided their needs to survive.. And that is only a fraction of the whole big picture. Us? We’re just a facade. A really nice one.
Not many of our people have the chance to get the education they need, hell some of the biggest problems in this country come from those so-called education elites.. Corruption? … I stop at that and let you think further on. Okay, so back to speaking of education. I don’t know what exact percentage would represent the number from the approximately 230 million people in this country who never had the chance to go to school and get education, but I know that it’s a huge amount of people, and besides you couldn’t get the exact percentage anyway, because you can’t limit education into a ‘one box’ context. Education doesn’t always mean going to school, it also means having a role model, having someone to look up to, having guidance, and therefore, something as abstract as that doesn’t possibly need a percentage to represent it. Anyways, the point is, quite a huge amount of our people is still uneducated. In a way that neighbor country M grabs the opportunity to happily bash and make fun of this fact. ‘Uneducation’ may lead to the birth of criminals, and many other stuff I don’t quite understand. Fact is, they’re making fun of the fact that the majority of our human resources go and work in their country as.., you know, and then they torment the fact that we are so arrogant and our head is so big we aren’t able to see the feet we stand on. Am I making sense? I guess I’m starting to lose my point because writing all this down isn’t easy but I really feel like I need to say this stuff..
We should look at ourselves right now. We are starting to lose our identity. Most of us young generation people don’t know our country that well. Most of us don’t know our histories that well. Including me. Most of us city kids grow up infiltrated by the idea that the only thing cool nowadays is western, and if it ain’t western, it ain’t cool. Everything western people do is cool. French kissing? Sex before marriage? Clubbing, drinking? Honestly, since when did that become a trend? Western culture is the way of the future. That was sarcasm.
And hey, I’m not judging anyone here. I could be in any of those categories, for all you know. I’m just trying to objectively state the facts which are concerning to me… Okay, I’m losing the point again, geez.
The fact is that even some of the most educated people can act ‘uneducated’. We are opinionated, most of us. We are easily deceived, you know. We are easily affected by stuff, and we like to make a big deal out of things. The issues I’m trying to emphasize are those of which we could actually take into thoughtful consideration, or those that don’t need to actually be made a fuss about, we turn into something huge and respond to with a hot head. Heated demonstrations, burning stuff, destroying stuff.. Anarchism, terrorism, threats, school fights… Sometimes, no wait, all the time, we need to look at something from two points of perspectives and picture the situation from there, you know, it’s like literally drawing a perspective from two points instead of one. This way we can keep our heads cool and see stuff more clearly, more objectively, talk about things more diplomatically and in an elegant matter. You know, instead of all the riots, the fights, the threats of war, and sha la la la la……. Yes, I guess since that hate blog triggered me to write this, I’m specifically aiming at how me react to neighbor country M, respond heatedly too easily at what the media writes, what the media says, without knowing whether their statements are biased or not, whether their information is entirely true or not. Because you know, I don’t trust the media, and I have my own reasons to that. My dad always taught me to look at stuff from a wider perspective, and he also doesn’t trust the media that much. I just realized the two stuff I stated aren’t actually that precisely interrelated.
Anyways. We often react without further thinking, causing ourselves to do foolish acts, acts which bring on ridicules and concerns from neighboring countries, acts that lead to BIGGER situations and tougher ones than what already is.
Now, the government? Everyone knows. No need to talk much about that. Do I have to repeat the horrible fact about our position in corrupted countries rank? I don’t actually even know, because I don’t want to.
And our law? Which neighbor country M makes fun of? It’s true. We all know that here, rules are meant to be broken. Sarcasm again. But you know what, I’m not going to talk further about that, because I’m young and I don’t wanna go to jail.
I’m gonna stop right here then.
The point is, we gotta look into the mirror and see ourselves without makeup on, see ourselves without the nice facade, and dig out our minuses and fix them. I don’t know how to make that simpler.
How about, let’s forget about all the bad stuff and show more of the positive sides to our country? That’s not the point. If you’re talking about it in this particular context, that’s the same as letting our country be as it is, the same as not wanting a better future for this nation. We need to eliminate all those negative stuff, or at least minimize, because that’s the function, that’s the purpose, that’s the point, right? What use is having all the international achievements, if they’re only a facade of the true form? What use is having all the advantages of nature, beautiful BEAUTIFUL nature and RICH natural resources, if the humans who occupy it don’t know how to invest them, how to promote them, how to make the most of them, how precious assets they are to us, what USE? So, no, we can’t forget about the negative sides and say it’s better to just promote the positive sides. Because we are in introspection, and in introspection, we need to realize all the bad stuff first.
Positive thinking only works for a state of mind on a situation or condition, but you can’t apply that to yourself: “Hey, I bully people at school. No big deal, let’s just be positive, I’m attractive so that wouldn’t matter.” Positive thinking doesn’t work in self-retrospect. It only works in thought of other people or in situations.
I LOVE my country, and therefore I THINK. Don’t make me enemy of the state here, just for trying to be honest about my country.
Okay. Enough said for now. Goodnight. :)
December 29, 2010
-
two of my favorite quotes from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" byStephen Chbosky
I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower August this year. Despite some of its flaws, I loved it, in a way.
The part that clicks most is, "I want them to like the real me, not what they think about me." I think it's really important because nowadays young people tend to stick with the crafted image they want their girlfriend / boyfriend to think about them. I know because I was stuck in this sort of dimension too, many times before since junior high to high school (I can proudly say that I've grown out of it though :D). Whenever I had a crush on someone, I wanted them to like me for stuff that I actually wasn't in my true nature, but what I tried to be for them to like. No wonder Sam doesn't want to be the crush, right? I don't want to be anyone's crush either. If someone really likes me, I want them to go for me, I want them to know the real me. Okay, I don't need to repeat the quote. I guess the point is, we need someone who we can share our most intimate thoughts with, who we know will listen to us, who we know and truly believe that that person actually wants to know what we think. It's really hard to find such a guy, isn't it? I mean, Mr. Darcy values Elizabeth's thoughts and opinion. He regards her highly. She's really lucky. Omg I'm getting further away from the point.
Okay, here's the second one.
We always have a choice of what to hold on to in our lives. No matter which place or family we come from. Nothing defines us but our choices. Albus Dumbledore once said something like that, that it is our choices who define who we are, far more than our abilities. Some of us have dark pasts, some of us come from unhappy families, but these stuff have no business in telling us who we are. I don't know. This quote means a way lot more than that, I can't find the words to explain it. You just...get it. I mean, we...get it.
Okay, that's a rap from The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
As much as I love Emma Watson, I don't really think she's fit for the role of Sam, I mean, I could never be able to picture Sam as Emma when I was reading the book, but if Stephen Chbosky sees her in Sam, then that's fine with me. Him being the writer and director and all. Logan Lerman I think will be charming as Charlie, though. <3
Here's the first one. This one's Sam's.
"It’s just that I don’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think about me. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don’t like, I’ll tell them."
The part that clicks most is, "I want them to like the real me, not what they think about me." I think it's really important because nowadays young people tend to stick with the crafted image they want their girlfriend / boyfriend to think about them. I know because I was stuck in this sort of dimension too, many times before since junior high to high school (I can proudly say that I've grown out of it though :D). Whenever I had a crush on someone, I wanted them to like me for stuff that I actually wasn't in my true nature, but what I tried to be for them to like. No wonder Sam doesn't want to be the crush, right? I don't want to be anyone's crush either. If someone really likes me, I want them to go for me, I want them to know the real me. Okay, I don't need to repeat the quote. I guess the point is, we need someone who we can share our most intimate thoughts with, who we know will listen to us, who we know and truly believe that that person actually wants to know what we think. It's really hard to find such a guy, isn't it? I mean, Mr. Darcy values Elizabeth's thoughts and opinion. He regards her highly. She's really lucky. Omg I'm getting further away from the point.
Okay, here's the second one.
"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
We always have a choice of what to hold on to in our lives. No matter which place or family we come from. Nothing defines us but our choices. Albus Dumbledore once said something like that, that it is our choices who define who we are, far more than our abilities. Some of us have dark pasts, some of us come from unhappy families, but these stuff have no business in telling us who we are. I don't know. This quote means a way lot more than that, I can't find the words to explain it. You just...get it. I mean, we...get it.
Okay, that's a rap from The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
As much as I love Emma Watson, I don't really think she's fit for the role of Sam, I mean, I could never be able to picture Sam as Emma when I was reading the book, but if Stephen Chbosky sees her in Sam, then that's fine with me. Him being the writer and director and all. Logan Lerman I think will be charming as Charlie, though. <3
ice cream in a world of ice cubes
Ignore the title, it sort of doesn't make sense.
Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Of course you have, whoever you are. Like, you're supposed to be somewhere else where you feel like you relate to the people more, feel like they understand you. A place where you don't feel either too smart or too dumb for them, but just right. A place where people can channel your spirit and you can channel theirs, whatever that may mean. Anyway, a place somewhere but here. Do you know where you're supposed to belong? Are you still searching? I, though, know exactly where I want to be. I don't know whether people 'there' will accept me and appreciate me better than the people 'here', but at least I admire the mind-set of the people there, and I feel like I will fit in it because, well, I grew up in it and part of my own mind-set is formed out of that place.
Okay. More of this on the next post. When I feel like writing about it again. Hehe.
Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Of course you have, whoever you are. Like, you're supposed to be somewhere else where you feel like you relate to the people more, feel like they understand you. A place where you don't feel either too smart or too dumb for them, but just right. A place where people can channel your spirit and you can channel theirs, whatever that may mean. Anyway, a place somewhere but here. Do you know where you're supposed to belong? Are you still searching? I, though, know exactly where I want to be. I don't know whether people 'there' will accept me and appreciate me better than the people 'here', but at least I admire the mind-set of the people there, and I feel like I will fit in it because, well, I grew up in it and part of my own mind-set is formed out of that place.
Okay. More of this on the next post. When I feel like writing about it again. Hehe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)