Azka.

DAFFA:

Aku adalah pemimpi banyak hal yang tak mungkin. Mimpi-mimpi yang indah untuk diimpikan, tapi menghadang bagai serbuan ribuan shuriken yang siap mengoyak-ngoyak...lalu aku pun terbangun di realita. Namun, jika aku lihai, mungkin aku bisa menangkap shuriken-shuriken itu satu per satu dan menyimpannya untuk koleksi. Shuriken itu senjata ninja super sakti, super, dan kalo aku punya banyak akan kutempelkan sebagai hiasan di dinding kamarku. Intinya, tinggal bagaimana kita mempersiapkan diri kita untuk menghadapi mimpi-mimpi itu. Jika persiapan diri baik, aku tidak jadi 'terbunuh'...namun bagaimana jika aku tidak mempersiapkan diri sama sekali? Terkoyak-koyaklah ragaku. Aku harap ini masuk akal bagimu.

Tapi aku sangat menginginkan shuriken-shuriken itu. Mungkin untuk selanjutnya aku dapat mempersenjatai diriku dengan itu. Dan, akhirnya, aku mulai membekali ragaku dengan segala ilmu yang dapat membantuku bergerak dan bereaksi super cepat, refleks super fleksibel. Aku belajar menguasai pedang. Lama kelamaan pedang seolah-seolah menjadi perpanjangan dari tangaku, menjadi tanganku. Lalu aku pun menjadi samurai. Sehingga suatu hari kemudian muncullah sekelompok remaja kura-kura ninja menyerang...musuh abadiku. Okay, so, maybe not like the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Masalahnya adalah, ada satu hal. Hal ini tak pernah menjadi bagian dari mimpiku. Maka ketika ia datang, pedang samuraiku, bahkan shuriken-shuriken itu, tak berdaya. Apa yang harus kulakukan? Salah satu mimpiku mulai terwujud menjadi kenyataan. Ini tahun ketiga kuliah, dan aku akhirnya mendapatkan beasiswa untuk transfer selama satu tahun di sebuah universitas ternama Jepang. Satu tahun... lumayan. Lumayan, dalam arti...aku harus menunggu cukup lama untuk melihatnya lagi.

Yang membuatku bingung adalah aku tak pernah merasakan ini sebelumnya, mengimpikannya saja tidak. Aku mengesampingkan semua pikiran itu untuk nanti, ketika aku sudah kerja, sudah mapan, tidak mau mimpi-mimpiku membunuhku dalam kelengahanku. Tapi, apa mau dikata? Pada awalnya ketika ia datang aku mengutuk diriku, dasar bodoh, dasar lemah, tapi bukan serbuan ribuan shuriken yang datang mengoyak-ngoyak. Tubuhku utuh...ia hanya mengoyak hatiku. Mengoyak hatiku, dan aku membiarkannya.

Aku membiarkannya.

Yang paling meyiksa adalah malam-malam itu, ketika sendiri, dan pikiran-pikiran tentangnya muncul. Perasaan itu menyakitkan sekali, amat sangat menyakitkan, berkali-kali aku harus menahan diri untuk meraih handphone dan meneleponnya. Kenapa perasaan itu membuatmu ingin selalu mendengar suaranya? Aku sering tidak bisa tidur dibuatnya. Ia membuatku bertanya-tanya banyak hal tentang dirinya. Aku tak mengerti, aku benar-benar tak mengerti. Kukira hanya mimpi-mimpiku yang bisa membuatku seperti ini. Masih lumayan, aku masih bisa menangkal serangan-serangannya dengan keahlianku, tapi dirinya? Aku sama sekali lost.

Ah! Dan jauh darinya sama sekali tidak memperbaiki keadaan. Walaupun aku sudah menyatakan perasaanku padanya sebelum berangkat. Walaupun dia tidak berkata apa-apa, dari reaksinya aku tahu dia merasakan hal yang sama. Lalu kenapa harus berpisah sekarang? Kenapa ketika mimpiku sedang baik padaku, prospek dengannya justru juga sangat bagus ke depannya jika aku tetap di sana? Atau ini justru hanya efek keberangkatanku ke Jepang? Mungkin aku harus berterimakasih. Kalau bukan karena mimpiku yang terwujud menjadi kenyataan ini, aku tidak akan pernah terbuka dengannya tentang perasaanku. Tapi seperti yang kukatakan, berada jauh darinya malah semakin membuat perasaanku berantakan, konsentrasiku terpecahkan, stabilitasku terganggu...stabilitas dalam belajar, tentunya, aku tidak akan pernah mengakui diriku galau. Galau itu untuk para anak yang masih hijau. Tidak, aku tidak pernah mengikuti trend galau, aku hanya... berusaha jujur pada perasaanku sendiri.

Kemajuan teknologi memungkinkan kami untuk berkomunikasi setiap hari, tapi aku tak bisa menghindarkan diriku dari pikiran aku tidak bersama dengannya... ketakutan bahwa ketidakberadaanku di sana akan membuatnya... lupa. Untuk pertama kalinya, aku takut dilupakan. Selama ini aku tidak peduli apa yang dipikirkan orang tentangku. Tapi aku sangat peduli apa yang dia pikirkan tentangku. Aku takut ada yang mengambilnya dariku. Di tahun pertama kuliah, aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebagai perempuan yang cantik, tapi entah bagaimana, setelah mengenalnya dengan baik, I saw her in a new light. Sungguh, aku seolah-olah melihatnya sebagai orang yang berbeda, ternyata selama ini, dia itu cantik, aku saja yang tidak melihatnya. Dan aku takut, jika ada yang melihatnya seperti aku melihatnya. Lebih baik aku loncat dari tebing tinggi daripada mengakui hal ini, tapi jika aku loncat, aku akan mati, dan aku takkan pernah bertemu dengannya lagi.

Antara mimpi dan dirinya. Siapa yang menyangka dikoyak-koyak hatimu oleh seorang manusia tak bersenjata bisa lebih menyakitkan? Aku ingin mengikatnya padaku, ingin memastikan tak akan ada yang bisa mengambilnya dariku, tapi demi Tuhan aku bukan manusia posesif, aku ingin tetap memberikannya kebebasan. Long distance relationships rarely work, and they hurt. Aku tidak ingin mengambil resiko itu. But, then again... Maybe I want to take that risk. But what about her?

Jika menembakkan pistol ke kepalaku bisa menyelesaikan semua masalah ini, pasti sudah kulakukan.

Mungkin, yang terbaik adalah membicarakannya dengannya. Apakah dia ingin terikat? Aku harus bertanya, satu pertanyaan itu saja, untuk membuat hatiku merasa secure. Menyatakan perasaan saja tidak cukup, semuanya masih gantung. Mungkin itu kunci dari kerisauan ini. Aku ingin tertawa. Tidak pernah seumur hidupku keyakinanku terhadap diri sendiri bergantung pada sebuah jawaban dari orang lain.

I truly meant it when I told you I loved you, Azka, truly.

when Rukia meets Ichigo in an alternate world (edited)

*editan

Aku berjalan di tepi trotoar. Melihat-lihat sekelilingku sambil mencoba memecahkan suatu persoalan yang sangat rumit. Yang hingga berabad-abad yang lalu gagal dirumuskan oleh para ilmuwan: semua orang di sekelilingku berpasangan. Ya. Dan aku sendirian. Aku sendiri, while they all have each other. Persoalan yang ingin kupecahkan adalah, kenapa dua orang yang sedang jatuh cinta merasa bahwa dunia menjadi milik mereka berdua? Ini persoalan yang tak bisa kumengerti. Aku tak mengerti karena aku tak pernah jatuh cinta. Aku tak pernah jatuh cinta, karena aku merasa memang belum ada laki-laki yang bisa kucintai sejauh ini -yang layak kucintai.

Sejauh ini, yang kulihat, mereka semua sama saja. Sejauh yang kutahu, memberikan hati sama saja meracuni laki-laki. Racun itu nantinya menyebar lewat pembuluh darah menuju sel-sel otak mereka, menyumbat pembuluh, menyebabkan aliran tidak berjalan, sehingga menghasilkan penyakit yang disebut BESAR KEPALA. Itu sejauh yang kutahu.

Aku memasuki sebuah cafe. Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya apa yang kulakukan sendirian. Well, teman-temanku semuanya ada urusan. Ayah dan ibuku keluar kota. Kakakku keluar bersama teman-temannya. Mungkin kau akan lebih terkejut mengetahui tepatnya jam berapa aku keluar pagi ini. Ya, pagi ini masih pukul sembilan. Di kota ini, warganya memang lebih suka keluar pagi. Aku sangat mengerti kenapa. Namun tak perlu kujelaskan lagi.

Jadi, aku melangkah ke dalam sebuah cafe yang ramai dengan pasangan-pasangan. Sengaja. Aku seolah ingin memamerkan kesendirianku pada mereka. Menunjukkan bahwa aku bangga karena aku single. Dan bahwa aku berani menapaki tempat itu sendirian, tidak peduli mereka peduli atau tidak bahwa aku hanya sendirian. Intinya aku hanya ingin menunjukkan keberadaan kesendirianku. Tiba-tiba terpikir olehku, mungkin alasan aku masih sendiri sampai sekarang adalah karena aku memang sanggup sendiri, aku kuat, aku tangguh secara fisik dan mental, dan banyak laki-laki yang tidak suka itu.

Aku duduk di tengah-tengah cafe. Tidak ingin duduk di pojok, karena tidak ingin memberikan kesan menyudutkan diri. Kesan bangga dan rasa percaya diriku bisa hilang jika aku melakukan itu. Lalu…, aku melihatnya. Laki-laki itu. Tepat di seberangku. Ia sedang duduk bersama seorang perempuan. Yang menyebabkan aku tercengang, adalah fakta bahwa tiga hari yang lalu, aku juga melihat laki-laki yang sama duduk di seberangku, namun dengan perempuan yang berbeda. Entah kenapa, dan aku bersumpah, aku tidak tahu kenapa, darahku mendidih. Emosi menyelimutiku. Aku marah. Aku marah karena si perempuan tidak tahu diri. Saat ini ia sedang merasa di atas angin gara-gara perhatian dan mesranya sikap si laki-laki terhadapnya. Laki-laki itu tampan memang, dan ia menyadari ketampanannya. Namun ia tidak tahu. Ia tidak tahu bahwa tiga hari yang lalu, laki-laki itu ke sini dengan perempuan yang berbeda, dan memperlakukan perempuan itu dengan cara yang sama. Bodohnya kaumku…!

Yang lebih parah, ketika perempuan itu menoleh, aku baru bisa melihat dengan jelas mukanya. Karin, anak pindahan, teman baru adikku yang belakangan sering main ke rumah dan ngobrol denganku. Karin, yang menurut bocoran dari adikku, sakit-sakitan, tapi menutup-nutupinya gara-gara tidak ingin dikasihani. Aku harus bertindak. Aku harus bertindak…!

Ketika pramusaji menanyakan pesananku, saat itulah aku beranjak dan berjalan ke mejanya Karin. Semua orang memang mengenalku sebagai perempuan yang cenderung impulsif. Aku sendiri tidak bisa menahan diri kadang-kadang, tapi itulah aku. Dan kadang aku juga suka diriku seperti ini. Reckless, some people say. Anyway, aku berjalan ke mejanya Karin. Semakin dekat laki-laki itu semakin tampan saja. Tapi aku tidak akan termakan. Dua puluh tahun hidupku aku tidak pernah termakan laki-laki seperti itu, kenapa kali ini harus berbeda?

“Karin.”

“Kak Rukia?” Karin tersenyum, kaget melihatku berdiri di hadapannya.

“Hai. Jauhi dia, Karin.”

“Eh?”

“Jauhi laki-laki ini. Dia membohongimu.”

“Maksud kakak?”

“Tiga hari yang lalu dia membawa perempuan lain ke sini, Karin! Dia telah mempermainkanmu. Jauhi dia. Ayo, kuantar pulang.” Selama berbicara aku tak sekalipun menatap langsung mata laki-laki itu, tapi dari sudut mataku, aku tahu, dia sedang menertawakanku.

Karin tertawa. Aku semakin panas.

“Karin, kau tak percaya padaku? Ayo kita pulang. Jangan buang-buang waktumu untuk laki-laki seperti dia.” Aku menarik tangannya, pelan-pelan tapi pasti. Karin tidak memberontak. Aku justru heran. Karin masih tersenyum.

“Biar aku yang mengantarnya pulang.” Laki-laki itu akhirnya bicara. Ia telah berdiri.

“Jangan sok pahlawan. Aku tahu apa yang kaulakukan. Kau itu penipu. Ayo kita pulang, Karin.” Hmmm, kuakui aku memang sensian sama laki-laki berwajah tampan.

Karin tertawa.

“Jangan berbuat ini, Nona. Kau hanya akan mempermalukan dirimu sendiri nantinya. Biar aku yang mengantarnya pulang. Aku tinggal serumah dengannya.”

Kalimat ini menusukku. Mereka…, jangan-jangan, sudah menikah? Karin, si anak berusia lima belas tahun itu, dengan lelaki perayu ini?? Membaca keheranan di wajahku, Karin berbicara.

“Kak Rukia, tenang. Ini hanya kakakku.”

Laki-laki itu tersenyum melihat ekspresi di wajahku yang tak bisa kutahan. Sandingkan wajahku dengan tomat, dan kau akan melihat yang mana yang lebih merah sekarang...

“Perempuan yang dibawa kakakku ke sini tiga hari yang lalu itu Yuzu, adikku.”

Laki-laki itu tersenyum lagi, lalu mengulurkan tangannya. “Perkenalkan, Ichigo Kurosaki.”

“…Ru- Rukia.. Rukia Kuchiki.”

***

Semuanya baik-baik saja sekarang. Sebelum pulang Ichigo menawarkanku duduk semeja dengan mereka. Tidak usah kuuraikan lagi betapa malunya diriku. Itu sudah tidak penting karena semua orang juga tahu bagaimana rasanya jika berada di posisiku. Tapi Ichigo berhasil mencairkan suasana.

Dan…, aku tidak bermaksud menggombal, tapi kurasa, ia telah mencairkan hatiku. Sungguh!

Aku tadinya mengamati bagaimana sikapnya kepada adiknya (yang tadi kukira kekasihnya) dan aku sangat, sangat terharu. Dia adalah tipe laki-laki penyayang. Kulihat dia cuek, apa adanya, namun sangat penyayang kepada adik-adik perempuannya. Dari perbincangan itu juga, aku tahu bahwa Karin telah menceritakan sebagian tentangku pada kakaknya itu.

Aku merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Aku telah termakan. Seumur hidupku, inilah pertama kalinya aku tidak bisa santai kala duduk semeja dengan laki-laki. Padahal di situ ada Karin.

Kurasa inilah jawaban dari persoalan yang selama ini ingin kupecahkan. Di sebelahku ada Karin, namun aku tidak merasakan kehadirannya. Aku hanya merasakan… Ichigo. Ichigo Kurosaki. Dan sekelilingku, buram. Hanya dia. Setiap kali aku menatap ke dalam matanya, itulah yang kurasakan. Bodoh memang. Tapi ternyata begitulah rasanya, ketika dunia menjadi milik berdua (untuk sementara karena aku tidak tahu perasaannya, dunia masih menjadi milikku saja).

Ingin rasanya kumenampar diriku keras-keras. Aku tidak ingin terluka nantinya. Namun, sebelum berpisah, Ichigo mengatakan sesuatu yang membuat jiwaku ingin melompat keluar dari ragaku.

“Nanti sore kau sibuk?”

“Tidak.” Aku menjawab sambil berusaha stay cool.

“Kalau begitu kau bisa menemaniku keliling kota? Sudah banyak yang berubah selama tiga tahun terakhir.”

“Oh. Kenapa tidak dengan Karin atau Yuzu?”

“Aku takut adik-adikku kecapekan kalau kuajak. Tapi kalau kau…, kita sama-sama tahu.” Dia memamerkan senyumnya yang paling menawan.

Aku berubah pikiran. Kupikir ia tidak sadar betapa menawannya dia. Ya, dia benar-benar tidak tahu. Ada ketulusan di matanya yang tak kutemukan pada kebanyakan laki-laki.

Anehnya, aku mengiyakan. Dan yang terjadi selanjutnya, sudah bisa ditebak. Jalan-jalan sore berujung ke sebuah makan malam di restoran seafood di pinggir pantai, dan setelah itu ia mengantarku pulang. Selama bersamanya, aku benar-benar menemukan jawaban itu. Dunia hanya milik aku dan dia. Aku tidak peduli orang-orang di sekelilingku.

Keesokan harinya, Ichigo mengajakku keluar lagi. :)

Daffa.

AZKA:

Seperti inikah rasanya? Matamu memiliki jangkauan penglihatan yang luas, batasnya paling-paling bahu di sisi kanan dan kirimu. Aku menjelaskan ini secara rinci karena ingin kau membayangkan betapa luas sudut pandangmu. Coba lihat. Kau memiliki banyak titik yang bisa menjadi fokus lensa matamu. Namun, tahukah apa yang dilakukan sebuah perasaan asing ini padaku? Aku hanya bisa melihat dirinya. Yap, sisa pemandanganku blur. Aku tidak melihat pohon hijau yang daunnya rimbun dan kemayu ditiup angin. Aku tidak melihat langit biru cerah dan awannya yang putih bertebaran bak kapas-kapas bertempelan di kanvas. Semua itu berasal dari memori. Yang aku tahu sekarang, hanya dirinya.

Aku melihat sepasang jendela hatinya yang terpampang di wajahnya. Ia tidak terlalu tampan, tapi ada sesuatu di sana. Ada sesuatu yang membuat mataku tertarik mengintip ke dalam jendela hatinya itu. Iya, matanya. Matanya sungguh berbeda. Matanya berbicara.

Entah bagaimana, hanya aku satu-satunya yang berpikir seperti itu. Yang lain menyebut dirinya, "Biasa-biasa aja. Menang tinggi doang." Namun, mereka tidak merasakan apa yang kurasakan tadi pagi, ketika ia berdiri di sebelahku berhimpit-himpitan di dalam bis kampus hingga bahu kami bersentuhan. Mereka tidak merasakan ketika dirinya berusaha menahanku ketika tubuhku -seperti halnya mahasiswa lain yang berdiri- menjadi sebuah contoh nyata dari soal-soal fisika SMA ketika sang pengemudi mengerem kendaraan secara mendadak. Tapi yang terjadi, tubuhku tidak terhempas ke arah depan, tubuhku tertahan pada tubuhnya yang entah bagaimana bisa tetap berdiri tegap tak bergeming. Tapi aku merasakannya! Aku merasakan force tubuhnya melawan force tubuhku. Dengan kata lain, dia menahanku! Dan pada saat itu, entah bagaimana ceritanya, kedua mata kami bertabrakan dan aku pun tahu. Aku pun tahu. Selama ini, kami tidak hanya berteman. Selama ini, aku hanya butuh sign, sebuah konfirmator untuk menyegel kebenarannya. Sebuah moment. Itulah momennya. Ketika aku berhasil mengintip ke dalam jendela hatinya, dan hatinya berbicara padaku. Dan aku merasakannya. Dan aku berharap, dia juga merasakannya. Tapi, ia pasti merasakannya kan?

Kalau tidak, kenapa waktu aku mengalami maag akut dan muntah-muntah di kamar kos salah seorang temanku dia susah payah datang berkunjung dan menetap hingga aku tertidur pulas malamnya? Padahal itu hari Jum'at dan ia tidak jadi pulang ke rumahnya di Jakarta Selatan, padahal ia selalu pulang di akhir pekan.

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia susah payah membuatkanku sebuah karya collage yang amat sangat bagus dari kumpulan foto polaroidnya dari perjalanannya menjelajahi alam dan wisata Indonesia sejak SMA, hanya karena ia jenuh menyelesaikan laporan praktikum di hari Minggu?

Kalau tidak, kenapa semenjak aku terpaksa bolos dua kali karena ketiduran akibat begadang malam sebelumnya, dia yang selalu bangun pagi meneleponku setiap pukul enam pagi di hari Senin untuk memastikan agar aku bangun dan tidak ketinggalan kelas jam delapan di hari itu?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia membaca dan menganalisa satu per satu setiap posting dalam blog, tumblr, dan twitter-ku dan membicarakannya denganku keesokan harinya? Seperti yang, baiklah kuakui, diam-diam kulakukan pada profile dan wall facebook-nya, berhubung dia tidak punya blog maupun twitter ataupun tumblr?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia menonton semua film dan membaca buku-buku kesukaanku berulang-ulang hingga menghapal dialog-dialognya dan memamerkan 'pencapaiannya' padaku?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia menceritakan semua yang dia rasakan dan pikirkan pada hari itu padaku, tapi tidak pada orang lain?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia sering menatapku ketika aku tidak menyadarinya? (Baca: pura-pura tidak menyadarinya)

Aku yakin...ia pasti merasakannya. Namun, itu tadi. Sekarang, aku tahu ia merasakannya.

Karena, tadi pagi, ketika turun dari bis dan hendak menyeberangi jalan, dia memegang pergelangan tanganku dan tidak melepasnya hingga kami sampai di seberang jalan. Memang jalanan kampus sedang ramai karena kakak-kakak yang wisuda, tapi tetap saja itu belum apa-apa dibandingkan jalan raya Margonda yang angker dan pengendaranya bikin makan ati. Ia melepaskan pegangannya dengan cepat lalu bersikap seolah-olah tidak terjadi apa-apa.

Karena tadi pagi, setelah sepagian menunggu appointment ke dokter gigi bulananku selesai di PKM, setelah bubar makan siang bersama-sama dengan teman-teman sejurusan di Kantin Teknik, setelah ia mengantarku pulang sampai ke kosanku, di depan gerbang, ia memberikanku sebuah kado untuk ulang tahunku besok yang bertepatan dengan keberangkatannya ke Jepang dalam rangka memenuhi panggilan beasiswa yang ia raih di sebuah program studi pertukaran pelajar Indonesia-Jepang. Padahal tidak ada yang tahu hari ulang tahunku.

Karena tadi pagi, ketika aku tidak kuasa menahan haru dan air mata mengalir di pipiku, spontan tangannya mengeluarkan topeng konyol yang sama-sama kita kenal itu dari balik tasnya, dan ia mengenakannya dan menirukan dialog-dialog aneh dari film-film komedi yang relevan dengan situasi saat itu sehingga membuatku tertawa.

Karena tadi pagi, sebelum pulang, kami hanya bertapapan selama waktu yang tak terhitung, dan tanpa diduga siapapun, dia mengatakan tiga kata itu, dan aku tidak mampu lagi menatapnya, dan ia tidak butuh jawaban karena aku menangis lagi, tapi ia tersenyum hangat...dan aku membalas senyumnya.

Dan dia berbalik dan melangkah pergi.

Seperti inikah rasanya? Matamu memiliki jangkauan penglihatan yang luas, batasnya paling-paling bahu di sisi kanan dan kirimu. Aku menjelaskan ini secara rinci karena ingin kau membayangkan betapa luas sudut pandangmu. Coba lihat. Kau memiliki banyak titik yang bisa menjadi fokus lensa matamu. Namun, tahukah apa yang dilakukan sebuah perasaan asing ini padaku? Aku hanya bisa melihat dirinya. Yap, sisa pemandanganku blur.

Aku tidak melihat pohon hijau yang daunnya rimbun dan kemayu ditiup angin... Aku tidak melihat langit biru cerah dan awannya yang putih bertebaran bak kapas-kapas bertempelan di kanvas... Semua itu berasal dari memori.

Yang aku tahu sekarang, hanya dirinya...sosoknya yang menjauh. Aku tidak akan bertanya kenapa momennya datang terlambat... Aku tidak akan bertanya kenapa konfirmatornya muncul di saat seperti ini... Walaupun aku tidak akan bertemu dengannya dalam kurun waktu lima bulan ke depan, tapi aku berharap, aku yakin...aku tahu, aku tetap menjadi satu-satunya yang dia lihat. Walaupun dari kejauhan.

I love you too, Daffa.

favorites and least favorites in A Game of Thrones

So I recently finished reading George R. R. Martin's first book of A Song of Ice and Fire series right, A Game of Thrones, and I LOVED it, and now I'm in the middle of reading the second book, A Clash of Kings, and I just gotta write down my thoughts on the first book before I forget. After reading the book, I've now seen the HBO miniseries adaptation, but we'll get to that later. As usual, this post contains spoilers.

A Game of Thrones. I didn't love it right away, at the beginning it was hard for me to digest the writer's style of narration, because I was sort of used to J.K. Rowling's style in Harry Potter (yeah I'm referencing the series because it's like my favorite series of all time even A Song of Ice and Fire isn't capable of bringing down...yet), but while I read further onto the twentieth-thirtieth pages, I started getting the hang of it.

First time I started reading the book, it was hard to situate and sort of picture myself in the story, because, you know, a moment one character says this, and then another character appears and starts to refer to something else, and I had no idea who these people were, where they were, what they were doing, but as I said, you start to get the hang of it, because bit by bit the pieces start completing the puzzle and it all starts to make sense and you start getting plunged into the story. And yes, it was when I was able to start capturing the whole picture, that I started to love it, and when you love a story, you have your own personal favorite characters who make the story worth reading for you.

Of course, as the story develops in the series, the characters develop as well, and from the beginning to the end of the first book, a couple of times I've undergone change of heart, altered regard, but as far as the characters go in the first book, here are my favorite and least favorite characters.

Favorite characters

Jon Snow

So, yes, 14-year-old Jon Snow is one of the most common favorites of readers. His point of view was one of those I loved to read most. Having been born a 'bastard' and hence being befallen upon the misfortunes derived from his status, the one who is despised and deliberately mistreated by Catelyn Stark, all of us easily fall for this 'bastard' of Ned Stark's and his good heart, me most especially by his affection towards the Stark kids, Arya and Bran, and of course, predictably, his kindness and later on close friendship with Samwell Tarly.

Being brought up as a 'bastard' in Winterfell, Jon grows into an utterly sensitive boy, especially against those talks regarding to his status as a Stark 'bastard', and this is most apparent once he has joined The Wall. Sometimes he whines, complains, and acts and talks recklessly, and sometimes I think he's not half as mature as his half-brother Robb Stark is, but still, we can't help but sympathize with him and his kind heart and his courage. He is one of those characters whom you expect big stuff from in the future of the series, and I can't wait to see what becomes of Jon Snow.

Arya Stark

Okay, first of all I'd like to say, Arya Stark was built out of the typical character bases of those I've encountered so many times before it was unsurprising to find her like that, but that didn't stop me from loving her as the story developed. She's strong, smart, brave, she fights, she gets to have sword lessons, she's close with Jon, and she sees a lot more to stuff compared to her naive sister, Sansa, and she's only 9 years old in the first book, and on top of all, she hates Joffrey and Queen Cersei.

Like Jon, I'm also anticipating a lot from Arya Stark, and I can't wait to reveal to myself what roles she has in the future of the series which I haven't read yet. I like the book Arya much, much, better than the HBO miniseries Arya, probably because the miniseries Arya was too...I don't know, loud and reckless compared to the book Arya? But hey, I don't know, that's just me.

Robb Stark

I started falling in love with Robb's character when he started leading his men towards war against the Lannisters, when he came up with that idea of dividing his men, which came unexpected for the Lannisters, and in which he ultimately retrieved victory against Jaime Lannister and held him captive. I like how wise and mature Robb is for is age. I like how he answers the call for duty and his responsibility as his father's eldest son, no matter how he feels tortured inside. At first, I found him acting older than his age and pretending to be all lordish and trying to take command and all that stuff annoying, but later on, he became it, without having to act it anymore.

I completely fell in love with him more when he maturely agreed to the terms of Lord Frey, of him marrying one his daughters. That was a big thing for a fifteen year old, and he took it like a man, so he could bring his army across the Twins. Not that he had any choice, but at least he didn't complain and act like a kid when his mother told him of it. Oh, Robb. And he defeated Jaime Lannister! And the direwolf of his, Grey Wolf! Yes, I love him too.

Robb is not one of the characters who gets a point of view, but I hope this is because another character is supposed to depict his greatness someday, like, become the ones who witness the greatness of his role when it comes, like that part when they made him the King in the North. That part made me CHILL. I just hope Robb continues to be great and doesn't disappoint. I hope he becomes truly wise, wiser than his father if he can. In fact one of the reasons why I don't include Ned Stark as one of my favorite characters is because I found some flaws in his character and his thinking, but it doesn't mean I'm indifferent of Ned Stark. No, I regard him deeply and I actually deem him as one of my almost favorite characters (he was a favorite at the beginning of the first book).

I just hope that Robb Stark becomes a great king one day! I even have this sort of random expectation that he'll end up marrying Daenerys Targaryen in the end, lol, but who knows? Hehe :D

Now..., the HBO miniseries Robb? He was no disappointment. Yes, he made me fall in love with Robb even more, as I continued to watch the series, just as when I was reading the book. *giggles* Hey, I'm a girl. And besides, I really thought he was able to bring up everything the book delivered about Robb.

Least favorite characters

Joffrey Baratheon

The moment I first read about Joffrey, I already HATED HIM. He was such an insufferable pain in the ass, he was so PAINFUL to read that I wished he'd just get killed already. I really wish Robb Stark will be the one to kill him one day. I don't think I need to explain anymore. Everyone knows. He's stupid, he's spoiled, he's a coward, he's big-mouthed, he's stupid, he's spoiled, he's a coward, he's big-mouthed, yep I said them twice. I don't care how old he is, I hate him. And he is EVIL. He is just pure evil.

Cersei Lannister

Incest? Murder? Incest? The willing to do anything for power and self-satisfaction? And... let me see, incest? I hate the book Cersei a thousand times more than I hated the HBO miniseries Cersei. Lena Headey was able to soften her a bit, make her seem a bit elegant a bit, I don't know..., in my mind's eye Cersei was just a lot worse. She is just pure evil. Did I say this already? Oh yeah, on account of her son. Mother and son, both pure evil.

Sansa Stark

Okay, I know she's just an eleven year old, and that she's naive, and has the innocent dreams of becoming a queen like Cersei one day, but I just hate her, and I hate the HBO miniseries even more. Well, alright, if it wasn't for the HBO miniseries Sansa, I wouldn't include her in this list right now. The book Sansa was a bit more lady-like and innocent than the one on TV, who was so demanding and rude to her Septa. So, yeah, I hate the TV Sansa. Although I'm starting to feel slightly sorry for Sansa in A Clash of Kings, part of me thinks she deserves it.

So, yes, basically all my favorite characters are the Starks. Why I don't include another common favorite, Tyrion Lannister? Firstly, he's a Lannister. Secondly, he sleeps with whores. Thirdly, well, he's too straightforward sometimes it's annoying. But alright, he's clever and good all right (but who knows what he'll do in the future with that cunning mind of his, right?) Ned Stark? Apart from the points I've made about him and his flaws, there's this other thing that, despite how sad I was when they killed him, when JOFFREY killed him, I couldn't help thinking that it was all his own doing, that he fell into his own trap, I mean, how could he trust Littlefinger so easily? How could he be so forgiving towards Cersei after he found out and why did he have to reveal to her that he KNEW? The immense regret I felt for his loss and the cause behind it (and such a HUGE loss it was, especially for the Stark kids) sort of made me lose my sense of heroic appreciation for him, if that makes sense... Daenerys Targaryen? Um, I don't know, it's just hard to admire a fourteen year old girl far, far away, when you have the Starks around in the Seven Kingdoms, being in the action, stealing all the attention. And the Starks rock! Though I have to admit Daenerys grew strong in the end and I actually cried when she pushed the cushion on Khal Drogo's face, and that part where they discover those baby dragons on her? That also made me chill. Although not as much as the screams of, "THE KING IN THE NORTH!"

Yep. Those were my favorite and least favorite characters in A Game of Thrones, and as I've said before, as the series develop, anything can happen that can allow the characters to change, and you might like them forever, you might lose that regard, you might discover new characters to like... We'll see. :)

I RECENTLY DISCOVERED LOOKLET

OMG. Today I started looking up looklet.com that a friend of mine recommended (yes, you, Nadia) and I instantly became addicted to it! I'm not really a fashionable person and I don't follow the latest trend and I could never admit I have good sense in fashion, but yes, as a girl, it's perfectly normal to be attracted at least a little to fashion. Okay, in my case, maybe not a little. I looked up some of the styles the other girls created and they were fantastic.

Well, okay, to be honest I actually liked designing ever since I was a little girl. When I was little, I used to draw these dress designs and when my dad took a look at it, he said that I was going to be a designer one day. Well, I'm not designing clothes right now, I'm studying architecture and if I succeed at this I might be designing buildings one day, but who knows, maybe I could design buildings and clothes at the same time, you know, like the amazing Zaha Hadid. She's like, fantastic, incomparable. Maybe I could do three like buildings, clothes, and books at the same time, lol, I'm giving myself a tall order. Hey, I can dream stuff, okay? :P

So, in Looklet, you sign in, and then you get to create your own styles and save them to your account. There's a variety of cool real life fashion items such as clothes, bags, hats, and shoes (by real designers) from which you can make your combination on the model you choose yourself, and some of these girls on Looklet make the most spectacular designs.

Here's the styles I came up with today! I'm actually feeling excited about this. I'm not saying they're good, but they're sort of like how I'd probably dress myself in an alternate universe since I can't possibly dress like it in real life. In other words, here's me! :D

Now that I think of it, that first one up there is horrible. :| I think so, I don't know.

This one below was inspired by the character Winona Ryder played, Lydia Deetz, in Tim Burton's Beetlejuice [1988]. Ever since I saw her in that movie, I actually considered dressing myself up all Gothic grabbing it as my personal style in the future. As if.

So yeah, that's probably how I'd dress myself up in this universe if I were allowed to. Not that anybody restricted me to do so or anything, it's just...you need to have money to buy the clothes right? While I'm just a student pursuing her study. In architecture. And I don't have a job yet. And these days architects rarely make big time money unless people know your name and your works are top notch. Er...correct me if I'm wrong.

Maybe in the future, when I make my own money, yeah, I'd get all the types of clothing I want. Or maybe, when I marry a really rich guy. I don't know. Deviating from the point, sorry.

I haven't decided how I look today, but now that I've thought about it, here's today's look!

Anyway, I really wanted to start working on my architecture assignment, but Looklet got the best of me. All Nadia's fault. Kidding.

I think I'll be posting more from Looklet soon. ;)

Link to my account on Looklet: Icha

one of those dear diary posts

Dear reader, (if any)

This is just one of those moments where I vent my heart out because of another storm of...'galau'-ness. Okay so I had a dream. I'm not gonna tell what dream I had yesterday, but I woke up smiling from it and my mood lifted all day, I even named it the best dream I ever had in twenty years. :O It was so real I felt like I was literally living it. There was him and he sat next to me and I felt our shoulders brush and I finally knew what it felt like to feel that thing you call love on someone. I mean, I can't believe I learned it in a dream, it's so NOT fair! What I felt was so real I could still feel it now. And I want to have that in real life.

So, all in all it was one of those really good dreams, but really bizarre, I was like sort of making a really huge decision out of blue and everyone questioned it and even I questioned it and couldn't believe it would be happening at last, and my family and his were starting to arrange it and all that, but my family started questioning my decision, and then I woke up. No, I didn't get married in that dream, if you guessed that, but okay, something that leads to that.

What makes it a bit disturbing is it involves some of the close people in my life. So him was someone I knew in real life, and one of my best friends was actually in it and she was a completely different person I really much preferred her to the real-life her O.O -hey best friend, no hard feelings here, you were just like so cool in the dream that's all. I mean, she really took over things, she asked me these questions, she brought him to me, she was really different, it was as if she was the strong one and I was the one who always needed direction. Wow, I really miss the dream her now, I really admired here there. What makes it truthfully the most disturbing is because who he is in real life. Like, come on God, really?? What do you mean by that? And now I'm starting to think of him again and I actually stalked his facebook profile today, haha. -_-

Maybe it would've been better if he didn't exist in real life, or if I hadn't seen his face in the dream clearly, but I clearly saw who he was and the dream obviously understood our situation in real life to bring it in like that. God..., this is really awkward and embarrassing for me. But in that dream I was so happy! I was about to enter a new phase in life and I felt excited, I felt like I was ready for it! Omg this is so weird. With him? Hahaha.

It just seems so abrupt and out of the blue considering how things are in real life. In real life, it's just impossible right now. But I guess, it's entirely my fault that I was self-indulgent and stalked him again, haha, I mean, at the beginning I was smiling all day because of that dream, because of what I felt in it, not because of him in particular, not because who he was. But then I started getting all curious and I started thinking like 'how's he doing now?' and I gave in to my own self-indulgent suspicions. Lol. The dream wasn't supposed to head to that direction. Now my head's full of what ifs. I let my mind think these thoughts and have these expectations and it's just frustrating.

I'm sorry for writing about this stuff. I feel so pathetic. I just have to let it out or else I'll keep thinking about it. The point is, I usually don't think too much about this stuff, I mean, didn't, but now I think about it all the time. Ever since that dream. When, God, when will you show me The One? Or have you, but I just don't realize it yet? Sigh. I feel ridiculous. It's not about having a boyfriend, it's about feeling 'that thing' again, when I sat next to him in that dream and heard his voice -not referring to the him in real life, but him as that someone just for you. Blah. Maybe I shouldn't write about this stuff. I don't know, maybe I'll delete this post in the future. But I just have to admit I'm really one of those hopeless romantics right now. Sigh. I wanna feel it again, God...

And yet, now I look at myself again, and I think, who on earth would like a girl like me? Even I wouldn't like me. But then, God promised each of us our soulmates. Maybe I just gotta keep waiting. *fingers crossed* :|

continuing when you have no other topic to talk about.

*this post contains spoilers*

So I think it's time I talk about another favorite movie of mine.

(500) Days of Summer [2009]

I loved Marc Webb's direction, I loved the cinematography, the art direction, the editing, the screenplay, the cast, the main characters as well as the supporting characters, and the music especially....and, Summer Finn's hairstyle, wardrobe, and pretty much all of her. But let me first go back to when I saw this indie movie for the first time...

I saw this movie the first time when I was 18, in the first semester of university, in 2009. Man, I just got it, like, it really got me, totally. I was literally inside Tom Hansen! Not, literally, of course, but anyway, that expresses as much. I could feel all the things that Tom felt for Summer -I could like, literally absorb everything that the movie offered, I felt like I was literally sucked into this wholly alternate universe. Zooey Deschanel as Summer was adorable and I could completely understand how Tom felt around her. I know I've been using the expression 'literally' wrong but let's just ignore that. The point is watching this movie I felt the same things as when watching Pride and Prejudice (2005).

Okay, so I think this is one of those movies where you have to see it more than one time, to actually get more than what you've gained on the first watch. So, it's like, the first time I saw this movie, I was seeing it entirely from Tom Hansen's point of view, like I was the victim and all that. That first time, I was really, really unhappy with Summer, I mean I didn't understand her...I almost hated her.

It was disappointing to me that he didn't end up with Summer, to be honest, on the first watch, but then if it had ended otherwise, it would be too typical and predictable...it would be a love story. And the narrator said upfront that it was not a love story.

But the second time and so forth, I was able to start seeing from Summer's point of view as well and I learned to actually forgive her. I know that there are a lot of people who don't like the movie, and I'm guessing it's the Summer factor, but let's look again. We all know Summer said she didn't want a serious relationship, so they didn't make it serious and they didn't define their relationship anyhow. Tom played along with that. But what Summer really is, is a fragile-hearted girl whose heart was broken when her parents got divorced. What more could she ask for than reassurance, someone who could overrule her own belief that 'there's no such thing as love, it's fantasy.' Tom and Summer had that so-called casual relationship for an approximate time of, what was it, nine months? That's quite a long time, I'm guessing Summer's been waiting for reassurance from Tom, but he didn't show it. Instead, he kept holding things as they were when they began, and she started losing that feeling of certainty, in other words...she started getting bored, but once again it was not because of Tom, but because he wasn't able to make her feel sure about him, make her feel secure...when she already felt that thing she never believed existed. Remember what Alison, Tom's blind date, said? Well, hinted, more like, but drunk-Tom wasn't able to catch the hint.

When I look at Tom again, he's a bit childish at times... Like that time he hit that guy in the bar, when he didn't have to do it for Summer's sake, but he did anyway to get her attention. Tom didn't have this certainty about him, a courage to act, something that could reassure Summer. Tom couldn't read Summer that well nearing towards the end, I mean, it was time he shifted his game, but he couldn't see that, he couldn't see that Summer was starting to lose the 'it'-ness of their relationship. Like, he easily believes one thing and gets destroyed by the other -in this case he's also a fragile little thing, and a bit naive. Summer needed someone to make her feel certain so she wouldn't end up in a divorce like her parents, and Tom didn't give that, while the guy who became her husband did. Summer explained in the end, didn't she? That she discovered the feelings she was never sure of with Tom in another guy, the one who was now her husband. I mean, nine months is quite a long time for a 'casual' relationship, Summer did feel something for Tom since the relationship held on till that long, but she wasn't sure, and she was scared, and she left. So, Summer's not a cold hard b*tch after all. :)

So, those were the observations I made on both Summer and Tom, which I hope can suffice. I understand how the audience tends to take sides with the victimized in movies, without trying to look from other perspectives, like feeling sorry for Tom, and hating on Summer, making it all her fault. I did too, but that's the point, you just have to see it one more time. One. More. Time. And discover more.

*Just for your information, I found a Facebook page just now titled "I hate you Summer Finn (500 days of summer)" - For those who really hate that cold hard bitch, I can't believe what she did to Tom - er, to those, I take it you're not happy reading about her in this post..., so, sorry!*

Memorable scenes in the movie? Well, the scene where Tom draws on Summer's hand is one of them.

The scene in the elevator...the beginning of everything. "The Smiths? I love the Smiths. You have great taste in music. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die... I love 'em."

Let's see. There are a lot of memorable scenes from the movie. There's the 'penis' scene, the 'do you like me?' scene, the scene where Summer explains her feelings in the end, and a whole lot more.

Once again, I really love this movie, I don't get how some people can hate it. The screenplay, the characters, the supporting characters especially Tom's two best friends, the performances, the editing, the music, love it all. I can actually say that this is a typical me movie. And now...Summer Finn.

I think Summer Finn totally passes as one of the memorable female characters in contemporary film. Give it thirty-forty years and the future generation might see her as how we see Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's today -well, might, I don't know if other people see her the way I do, might. I, personally, adore how she dresses in the movie and how she does her hair. I recently tried to get a Summer-haircut, yeah that sort of 60s haircut Tom mentioned, and it worked on the first day, but it didn't last long since I was forced to tie my hair up most of the time due to the heat of the weather here. Anyway, here's Summer Finn...(as if you didn't know already)

Okay, that's all from (500) Days of Summer! (All images were googled) :D

when you have no other topic to talk about.

Oh man. Today, I feel like talking about some of my favorite films of all time as well as my favorite fictional characters in film history ever. I'm currently back in my 2009 fever on (500) Days of Summer, and I don't know... Sometimes these sort of fevers, they don't happen only after you've been exposed to it, but they also happen when you've revisited the pages after having them being put down for a while... Well, with the exception of this particular following title that heads the whole post, in which I've been doomed to suffer till the end of time.

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

You have no idea how this movie has affected my life. Lol. So I write stories too, right, and ever since I saw Pride and Prejudice, and read the novel, all of the stories in my head (stage: pre-writing) have sort of become Pride and Prejudice-oriented, Darcy-Elizabeth oriented more like. I have in my head characters named Cameron and Zoey, and Tommy and Audrey, both with similar storylines, and they're all growing from Darcy and Elizabeth's characters and love story. Omg. I even thought about making an exclusive collection of stories dedicated to the chronicles of Pride and Prejudice, but that would be too freaky. What else could I do?

How do you explain that immense satisfaction when a high and mighty character such as Mr. Darcy submits to his suppressed although 'ardent' feelings towards the supposedly 'inferior' Elizabeth Bennet? Why do we love it so much? Why am I crazy about his love confession to Elizabeth? I want that sort of thing to happen to every heroine I create in my head. And most especially, to me. Hargh.

So, yeah, I saw the movie before I read the novel, but I loved them both, differently. I was introduced to the world of Jane Austen through that movie, and reading the book was a completely different thing from watching it. I'm able to appreciate the brightside of both 2005 film and the novel, unlike some hardcore Austen fans who much preferred the 1995 BBC miniseries and hated the film. I've watched the BBC miniseries, and I loved it as well, but I can't lie that I love the 2005 film much more, Joe Wright's Pride and Prejudice. It's more...I don't know, impactful, immediate, believable, and relatable to modern relationships today, and most importantly, direct and dramatic, haha. The BBC miniseries was truer to the book alright, so it made sense that it was more...literate and old school, but it wasn't dramatic, wasn't it? I mean, let's appreciate Joe Wright's Pride and Prejudice as a movie alone, with its own screenplay, with his own way of bringing the characters to screen, tangent from the book. It's already a masterpiece, isn't it? I mean, the direction, the cinematography, the score, the picturesqueness, and the scene where Darcy confesses on that rainy, thunderous day. But hey, I was born in 1991, so. :)

Pride and Prejudice BBC Miniseries - 1995

As much as I love Colin Firth's Darcy, I fell for Macfadyen's Darcy more. I don't know... maybe it's because I saw his Darcy first, followed by the book Darcy, and the Firth Darcy. Maybe it's because I like his hair and his eyes better and his voice better. Maybe it's because the sort of fierce look on him the moment he first walked into that ballroom, and that same impression we held on to through the entire movie. You could detect concealed agony in him just by looking at him in that state, like how he addressed himself to Elizabeth. And again, most fans say that Firth's Darcy was truer to the book. But you gotta believe me when I say I really do love Colin Firth, so, it's a tough call between the two, really.

I loved that the movie contained no vulgar or sexual content at all in the presentation of Darcy and Elizabeth's love story. Of course we all know that Jane Austen's book itself contained no such content whatsoever, and I thank her for that, and for Joe Wright for keeping it clean, elegant, and charming as it is. I loved the cinematography and the original score as well...God it was magical and it all totally bewitched me. I think I was fifteen or sixteen when I first saw the movie so you can imagine how great the movie impacted my life as I stated earlier, lol. Perhaps I'm being a little dramatic, but I'm still twenty years old, so...that's still allowed. Heee :D

I loved Elizabeth Bennet. I think Elizabeth mothered most of the modern female characters we see today. I first saw her as this intelligent, free-spirited, lively, courteous, yet fearless woman of the 19th century who would've fit in most well in the 21st century for all we know, and despite her flaws (being rather quick to judge, as we see in the book and movie, especially the book, but of course the flaw of her character is redeemed in the end), she was truly an inspiration for me. She's what I've never been able to be yet what I've always wanted to be. I have to admit Keira Knightley created a sort of different image of Elizabeth from the Elizabeth I imagined in my mind's eye when I read the book, but I can't tell which version I loved the most. I mean, they respectively have their own values, each of them. Keira had Elizabeth a more modern version of the book, but I didn't mind. It's understandable to try to be relevant to the current era, for the sake of, showbiz, commercials, contemporary audience, perhaps, I don't know, but it worked out fine for me. Then again, this may be perhaps because I saw the movie before reading the book, but still, I really think people have got to relax a bit. It wasn't as if Joe Wright was undervaluing or disrespecting the book -in my opinion. Jennifer Ehle was also splendid as Elizabeth, and I loved her too, and again I can't crown the better Elizabeth, because Joe Wright meant Keira Knightley to be the more modern version, if you can call it that.

Favorite scene? Does anyone seriously need to question that? :D Okay, there are three: 1. Darcy's first love confession, 2. Darcy's second love confession, 3. Darcy's secret love confession by the way he looks at Elizabeth at that scene with Georgiana. The end. ;)

To be continued on the next post.

(500) Days of Summer [2009]

:)