Curcol #2: Waiting

Nooooooo it's that feeling again! I'm Tom Hansen once again. No, I'm Darren Hayes singing "I knew I loved you before I met you..." (???)

[Before you read further into this post, please note bahwa ini agak sedikit didramatisir dan ga tentu arah, and if you're not sensitive of it, you'll think it's crap. Whatever though, this is me. :)]

Silly me. Ini semua gara-gara masa laluuu. Kebanyakan nonton film percintaan yang ga seharusnya ditonton. Mau gimana coba, kartun aja ada cinta-cintanya: Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, Cinderella?? Mulan? (Naahhh, now that's what I call a kick-ass heroine!!^^b). Like Oprah said, this is all Cinderella's fault. And now everybody, just like her, is waiting for their prince charming. If there ever was such a prince charming. -__-

Geblek. Kenapa saya terus saja menunggu? Hahaha. Padahal, the most life-changing moments happen when you least expect it. I have to stop expecting him to come. I have to stop thinking about whoever he is, what he would look like, blah blah blah. Karena kalo terus menunggu, dia ga akan datang. Begitulah menurut penuturan tante saya lagi -yang saya panggil "kakak". Nanti dia akan muncul di saat yang tak terduga.

That's why I gotta feeling that he's never gonna show up! Because I know I'll always be expecting! What was that thing Elizabeth Bennet said in Pride and Prejudice? "Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony which is why I shall end up an old maid." EXACTLY!!! Which is why I also fear that I will end up an old maid.

And then I watched Alice in Wonderland, and saw Aunt Imogene, the old and lonely Aunt Imogene. She kept talking about this prince that didn't exist, and all of a sudden it was a horrible sight; I was scared that I would end up like her..., and I don't want to end up like her! Noooo. :(

Yes. Movies and books affect my life greatly. They always have a huge impact. I am who I am now thanks to all those movies I've seen and those books I've read in the past -which is bad! And don't forget music, of course, they also have a huge impact. Intinya, gara-gara itu semua, saya tumbuh menjadi seorang "pemimpi". -__-

"Can anybody find meeeeee, somebody to loooovee..." ~~

Tahukah kenapa saya begitu risau? Karena saya tumbuh mengadopsi pemikiran Elizabeth Bennet dan menjadikannya pemikiran saya. Well, of course she's not the only one dengan pemikiran kaya gitu, but since she's my favorite....., yeah, well anyways. Dan perkara yang semakin menyulitkan itu adalah, karakter saya (ce ileeee apaan coba). Ya pokoknya gitulaaaah.... XD

Somehow I feel like...., he's too good to be true. Because I have these imaginations of how he would be, and I'm just scared that one day if it turns out that he doesn't live up to what I imagined him to be, I won't be happy. Yes, that's the character I was talking about, ladies and gentlemen, my character, which is a tendency to be a perfectionist (menurut tante saya yang saya panggil kakak).

Jadi waktu itu saya dianalisa oleh Kak Iil. Hasil menurut analisanya adalah: saya itu idealis dan perfeksionis. Saya takkan bahagia sebelum suatu situasi atau kondisi tertentu memenuhi gagasan saya yang ideal mengenai suatu situasi atau kondisi bagi saya untuk bahagia. Sehingga jika melenceng sedikit saja dari gagasan yang ideal itu, saya tidak akan bahagia. And I realized that........, she was right. Ternyata itulah yang selama ini membuat saya sulit untuk bahagia. Oh Gooood, why do I have to be like this?? :(

Ga bahagia bukan dalam artian ga bersyukur, meskipun beda-beda tipis, which is dangerous, karena sering terjerumus ke jurang "kekufuran". Most of the time I am thankful -or at least I try to be thankful, but I can still feel the emptiness inside. Well, I wouldn't call it emptiness, just unhappiness. I can't force myself to be happy right? But I can try to be thankful. Or is there a better argument for this??? Please show me. :|

Topiknya jadi melanglangbuana gini kan? Ckckckck. Intinya, I'm still waiting. Yes, waiting if he will ever appear....., if he will ever step into my life.

Sejujurnya sih, saya suka iri. Melihat pasangan-pasangan di sekitar saya (ga semuanya lho), yang memenuhi gagasan saya yang ideal tentang suatu hubungan. Grrrrr, listen to myself talk, it sounds like all I'm saying is just utter........ CRAP. Hahaha. Gagasan? Ideal? Hubungan? Hahaha. I laugh at myself sometimes.

Intinya, saya seringkali iri, wishing I had something that special with someone.

Hmmm, I don't know what God is planning for me, but I'll just hope for the best (my ideal prince charming) while keep expecting the worst (growing up an old maid)... Noooo. I don't wanna be an old maid, Ya Allah. If I have to, I'll make the first move! Yep. Kalo perlu, saya akan bergerak duluan, dan pedekate duluan hahahaha (like I could actually do that -__-).

Sekian curhatnya. I'm already feeling better now. :)

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)

By Vertical Horizon
Lagu lama, dan sebenarnya juga belum pernah ngalamin, tapi selalu berhasil bikin saya nangis kalo lagi ngedengerin sambil dihayati super duper dalem (beneran, ngga lebai loh).
I hope the guy who wrote these lyrics eventually finds someone that makes him happy.
Sedih... T_T

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay. Love can be so boring.
Nothing's quite the same now. I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had.


So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony. Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely.
Send it in a letter. Make yourself feel better.
But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't need me back. You're just the best I ever had.


And it may take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right. You're always right.


So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay. Love can be so boring.
What was it you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted.


But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. I don't want you back. You're just the best I ever had.

Curcol #1: Invisible

Ummm, before you read this, please note that this is a little personal. But I wrote it down anyway, just because I wanted to let it all out.

Do you sometimes wish you didn't exist? Sometimes I do. Let's play a little game called "Imagination: My Nonexistence". Peraturannya gampang, tinggal membayangkan bagaimana jadinya dunia tanpa kehadiranku. If I didn't exist, my brother would be a single child. If I didn't exist, anak ars 09' inter hanya berjumlah 12 orang. If I didn't exist................ Anehnya sekarang pikiranku lagi ga kreatif dan males mikir to come up with more facts. Pokoknya semua pasti beda.

Saya itu labil. You know water, when it's steady, it's really steady, tapi kalo diguncang dikiiiiiiit aja, itu bukan main efeknya. Lebih kurang seperti itulah. -__-

Okelah, saya bersyukur atas kehidupan ini. I'm thankful that God created me. But along with my existence, I wish I were invisible. Ya mungkin kalo dibandingkan dengan situasi saat ini ga ada bedanya (berhubung saya merasa ga ada yang bisa melihat saya hahaha) tapi saya tuh pengen benar-benar invisible, literally invisible. Jadi ga nanggung-nanggung invisible-nya. You know, sometimes people look at me like I'm some other creature from another planet. I mean, duh, I didn't ask to be created. Why is it my fault that I existed? Atau itu hanya perasaanku saja?

Labil. Sometimes I just hate myself. I hate how I made other people see me. I hate the impression that I made about myself. Because I'M NOT LIKE THAT. And I didn't mean to be like that. I'm just this ordinary girl who just likes being behind the screen and hates the attention because I've had ENOUGH of all the attention when I was a kid. Yep. Back then, all eyes were on me as if I was a creature about to be extinct and nobody knew how I felt at that time. No one could understand me. And no one can understand me now.

I miss my self as a child. My brave, daring, adventurous, confident, friendly, and cheerful old self. Yep. I blame those days, back in the past. The days that changed my life forever. If only I had lived a normal life, away from all the noise, all the whispering, all the staring, all the attention. If only. And now I'm just this stupid girl stuck in her own stupid head, wishing she was invisible when all she wants is to stand out.

Does that make sense?

Whatever.

Perkenalkan, inilah keLABILan saya.

Nanti-nanti juga baikan.

Maaf.

Paperweight

By Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk
Currently loving this song...... :)

Been up all night staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time


You want the sunrise to go back to bed
And I wanna make you laugh


Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers, I'm waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't wanna forget come daylight


Happy to lay here just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song, your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue


Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket


Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers, I'm waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't wanna forget come daylight


And no need to worry, that's wasting time
And no need to wonder what's been on my mind
It's you.....
It's you.....
It's you.....


Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't wanna forget come daylight
I give up
I'll let you win
You win cause I'm not counting


You made it back to sleep again
Wonder what you're dreamin'....


The bold ones are the lyrics that I love most! Hehehe. Sweetness......... :)

orangtua perhitungan membawa hikmah :)

Seandainya saya punya iPod. Huaa, iPod touch. Waaah. Dulu waktu SMA minta iPod ga dibolehin. "Apaan, ga guna," said father -father yang sekiranya mendadak punya aksen gaul. Intinya sih papa nanya, "Buat apa?" Saya jawab, "Buat dengerin musik." Beliau pun menatap saya heran. Dengan mama juga gitu. "Buat apa?" "Dengerin musik." Beliau juga alisnya berkerut dan bilang kalo saya bisa dengerin musik dari hape aja. Saya ngeyel. "Ga cuma buat dengerin musik. Buat nyimpen video juga. Buat nyimpen film juga bisa. Itu alat yang fungsinya khusus buat itu..." Ngarang. Tetap aja intinya mereka nanya, "Tapi buat apa? Memang benar-benar perlu apa gimana???" Saya terdiam. They just don't understaaaandddd. I just need to have an iPod...! T_T

Then again ternyata saya ngga butuh iPod. Karena sejauh ini saya mampu bertahan dan hidup saya ternyata baik-baik saja tanpa iPod. Ha.

Sejak kecil kalo minta apa-apa yang menurut mereka ngga ada guna, kalo cuma alasannya karena pengen punya, pasti ga dikabulin. Lain lagi kalo buku-buku Harry Potter yang terbitan Bloom*bury. Hahaha. Waktu itu papa dengan senang hati mau membelikan saya buku-buku harpot yang sudah dipaketin dari buku pertama sampe buku ke empat yang harganya saya lupa tapi lumayan. Dan untuk selanjut-selanjutnya, tiap kali terbit buku berikutnya, papa saya selalu mau membelikan buku-buku itu kalo misalnya saya nitip saat ia sedang keluar kota. I know why. Papa suka saya berkutat dengan bahasa Inggris dan ingin saya terus memperluas vocab. Entah kenapa, baginya, bahasa Inggris itu hal yang "sakral" hahaha. Tiap kali papa keluar kota dan aku nitip buku-buku, entah itu karya Nicholas Sparks, Stephenie Meyer (out of curiosity, I swear), atau Jane Austen, papa selalu berusaha nyariin (soalnya di Pekanbaru ga ada Periplus hahaha). Nah, itu kalo buku.

Tapi kalo yang lain-lain, waaaah, jangan ditanya.

Blackberry? "Hape nokia yang lama kan masih bagus."

Laptop baru? "Emang yang sekarang kenapa?"

Dan masih banyak lagi..........

Sebagian besar yang saya dan adik saya peroleh saat ini adalah hasil kerja keras. Haha -dalam skala yang agak didramatisir. Adikku mendapatkan PS2-nya berkat waktu itu menang lomba waktu SMP. Saya mendapatkan laptop ini berkat jadi juara kelas di kelas satu SMA (wehehe beda banget ama yang sekarang -uda gitu ga boleh milih merk laptopnya lagi). Apalagi ya? Biasanya pasti selalu ada embel-embel "kerja keras" lah. Wakaka. Pokonya pengecualiannya hanya buku, hahaha, dan itu pun dengan jaminan harus dibaca.

Karena itulah, saya tahu bagaimana susahnya mendapatkan sesuatu yang saya inginkan (lebai). Saya seringkali terkejut di kala melihat beberapa teman saya gonta-ganti handphone. "Mereka bilang apa ya ke orangtua mereka? Kok kayanya gampang?" Dengan sedihnya. Hahaha. Sebenarnya iri. Tapi seiring menuju kedewasaan, saya mensyukuri ini. Saya amat sangat bersyukur dikaruniai orangtua yang ngga gampang ngasih. Hahaha.

A chance for me to get a blackberry: a minimum GPA of 3.5. Itu saya yang menawarkan sendiri. Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, saya sebenarnya ga terlalu pengen punya blackberry. Sudah cukuplah semua-semua yang sudah ada: facebook, tumblr, blog -semua yang mengalihkan dunia saya (ngaco). Kalo ditambah pula dengan bb dengan antek-antek bbm dan group dan segala macam yang ngga terlalu saya kuasai itu, takutnya nanti semakin menjadi-jadi. I'd be a lifeless zombie. Jadi cukuplah semua yang sudah ada saat ini. Hahaha.

Nah, right now, there's this thing that I'm really really really craving for right now............. a new SLR Digital Camera (if that's what it's called). I really really really wanna learn photography and be a master of photography! My dad understands that an architect student needs to have a good camera, so............. saya akan mempergunakan liburan tiga bulan ini untuk membujuknya agar mau membelikannya buat saya. Hahaha. Terakhir kali membicarakan ini, saya menangkap sinyal-sinyal yang bagus. Haha. Tinggal pendekatan sedikit lagi. Ya Allah..... semoga berhasil. :)

Hmmm, untuk sekarang, sekian dulu. Hehe. Oh ya, tulisan ini saya buat tanpa bermaksud ngejudge sama sekali siapapun, hanya murni menceritakan kehidupan keluarga saya yang hanya terdiri dari ibu, ayah, saya, dan adik saya, supaya orang-orang bisa paham dan ngga berpikir negatif (kalaupun memang ada kesan negatifnya which is agak ngga relevan). Haha.

I love my mom and dad... (and my brother)!!!

Akhir kata, peace forever......^^v

stupidity: that guy again

Sementara menunggu spaghetti-nya direbus, saya ingin menceritakan salah satu tindakan tolol yang pernah saya lakukan terkait dengan seorang cowo yang ngga saya kenal tapi tinggal selantai dengan saya dan diam-diam saya kagumi. Haha.
Yep. I can do really stupid things sometimes. Jadi waktu itu turun dari bikun, dan hendak menyebrang ke barel. Pada saat itulah, I saw him! Him! I didn't see his face, I only saw his back. Tapi dari caranya berjalan uda cukup untuk mengetahui kalo itu adalah dia, DIA yang tak kuketahui namanya. Haha.
Dan dengan bodohnya, dengan penuh semangat, saya mengejarnya. Harus se-lift! Harus se-lift!, pikirku. Saya pun berlari sampe ngos-ngosan. Eh taunya di barel banyak rintangan menghadang. Motorlah. Oranglah. Di gang sempit itu apalagi, ada tiga cewe jalan sambil ngegosip dan jalannya amat pelan dan saya ngga bisa nerobos. Si dia uda di ujung gang! Yaaa, akhirnya saya pasrah. Mungkin belum waktunya saya se-lift dengannya lagi. Waktu mau nyebrang jalanan margonda yang angker, dia juga uda di ujung sana. Hahaha. Pasrah.
Dengan kecewanya waktu itu nyampe di lift, dianya ngga ada. Waktu nyampe di lantai empat, dianya juga ngga terlihat di mana-mana. Kesimpulan saya, dia sudah masuk kamar. Apa saya ketok aja ya pintu kamarnya? Pura-pura salah kamar.

In the end, I realized it was just one of my stupid acts, untuk menghibur diri.
Hahaha. Sekian. Saya mau makan spaghetti. :)

analyzing the post "I Have a Best Friend"

It's half past six in the morning, and I couldn't sleep all night. I keep trying to go back to sleep but I can't. My eyes are tired and so is my mind, but somehow I just can't sleep. And I don't know why, but this post just flashed through my mind and I thought to myself, I needed to clear things out. Jadi, di postingan itu kedengarannya saya terlalu arogan dan amat besar kepala. Haha. (Sebenarnya arogannya sih ada benernya tapi bukan besar kepala...)
So, here are the two points of what I wrote.


"The first is that I will not start a relationship with someone if I think that it wouldn't work out. I would consider the prospects thoroughly. If there's a possibility that one of us is going to get hurt in the end, I will not start it. And no, I don't wanna try to work things out. Because our hearts are at stake -no, my heart is at stake. And I'm too proud to get myself hurt.

The second is I will not submit my heart to this guy, unless I'm sure he's the one I'm gonna marry. Yep, I need to be sure that I will live the rest of my life with him. Then I will give him my heart, piece by piece, step by step. I will be careful in giving it -I will try to restrain myself from giving it up all at once. So I will probably be a little cold and toughen myself up in the beginning, hoping that in the end, he will carry my heart and take care of it with all of his heart for all eternity.


So in the end, even if I had done all of the above and in the end we still have to go our separate ways and suffer from heart breaks, I know that I've already done the best I could and that it is God's will that I must go through."
Baiklah. Haha. Well, actually these are only good intentions... for myself. Ya, selfish, I know, but what can I say, saya hanyalah remaja delapan belas tahun yang memang ngga tahu apa-apa soal "cinta". -__-


Cuma mau negasin poin kedua. Jadi ini juga saya pelajari dari kakak saya (tante sih sebenarnya). Dia sendiri yang bilang ke saya, kalo dia ngga mau terlalu sayang  dulu (menggunakan istilah "sayang" dan bukan "cinta" karena merasa "cinta" terlalu berat) sama cowonya supaya nanti kalo ternyata ngga jodoh, ngga akan ngerasa terlalu sedih seolah dunia mau kiamat seperti yang dialami kebanyakan teman-temannya. Dia bilang, sayang boleh, tapi yang segede-gede sayang itu nanti, kalo uda mau nikah, kalo uda yakin itu jodohnya forever. Haha, konservatif ya. Ya makanya sekarang kakak saya itu menjalani seperti air mengalir saja. Hehe.


Itulah pelajaran yang saya dapatkan dari sahabat dan kakak (tante) saya. Sahabat saya terlanjur memberikan sepenuh hatinya tanpa pikir-pikir panjang kepada si cowo itu, dan akhirnya sampe sekarang susah ngelupain dan masih suka nangis gara-gara si cowo, dan saya juga sedih ngeliatnya dan amat kesal pada si cowo itu. Kesimpulannya, masalah hati adalah masalah yang RIBET. Jadi, karena saya sudah tau itu, makanya hati ini akan berusaha saya jaga baik-baik. Pantas aja kita disuruh "menjaga hati".


Sebenarnya maksud poin pertama dan kedua itu simple.


Yang pertama itu, saya ngga mau main-main dalam menjalani hubungan, takut nanti keduanya ujung-ujungnya sama-sama sakit. Kalo prospeknya ngga bagus (ini belum nyampe ke isu pernikahan kok haha), maksud saya prospek ngejalaninnya ngga bagus dan bakal banyak rintangan menghadang, ya ngga usah dijalanin aja toh. Misalnya nihhh, saya kan seorang Muslim, trus si cowo bukan Muslim, nah kalo sekiranya dia ga nunjukin sinyal-sinyal ketertarikan ke agama saya ya wess toh, andai kata saya suka dan dia suka, tapi lebih baik ga usah dijalanin. Tapi kalo menurut saya hubungan itu bisa, ya bisa-bisa aja kali ya haha.


Nah, poin yang kedua itu, ya lanjutan dari yang pertama. Kalo dijalani, ya jalani seperti air mengalir. Ga usah banyak maunya, minta ini itu. Jangan langsung "sayang" yang gimana-gimana. Haha. Ya begitulah. Karena, menurut sebuah saying yang saya temukan di tumblr, if you give your heart to someone, you give him the chance to destroy it on one single crush of his hand. Something like that lah.
-__- But I'm not strong enough to take that risk.


Sisanya, diserahkan pada Allah SWT. Haha. Kalo ujung-ujungnya tetep sakit, ya apa mau dikata. Yang penting sudah dijalani dengan baik hehe.


Semua yang di atas itu hanyalah "menurut saya" dan seorang "saya" amat sangat bisa SALAH. So please don't judddgggeee meeeeeeeeee......


Inilah sedikit isi hati dari seseorang yang sebenarnya ngga pernah jatuh "cinta" dan menjalani hubungan "cinta" (tidak termasuk kisah jalinan "cinta" dengan sahabatnya sahabat saya yang agaknya... main-main, hahahahaha XD).


Because I know nothing, that's why I'll just be careful.


Peace forever...^^v

Narcissus

I read the history of Narcissus on wikipedia. Here's an excerpt of it:

"Narcissus or Narkissos (Greek: Νάρκισσος), possibly derived from ναρκη (narke) meaning "sleep, numbness," in Greek mythology was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him. As divine punishment he fell in love with his own reflection in a pool, not realizing it was merely an image, and he wasted away to death, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection..."

So he fell in love with his own reflection = he fell in love with himself.

Read the other versions on wikipedia.

Hahaha. I just felt like I needed to post this.

he wouldn't be you

Her: For the first time in years, I'm so glad that ITB rejected me.
Him: Why is that?
Her: Because if I got accepted, I would've gone to school there and I would never have met you.
Him: (laughs) Well you probably would've met some other guy anyway.
Her: Yes, but he wouldn't be you.
Him: (smiles)

I Have a Best Friend

It's been over a year, and she still can't get over her ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I doubt whether she really wants to forget this guy or not. She still drops some silly comments about her boyfriend in our chats, acting like it's normal to fantasize on stuff like marrying him and stuff like that. But even if it was only a joke, EVEN SO, it would still hurt her. She would still get hurt in the end because, well I don't know, it seems like she just doesn't want to get her mind off of him. And somehow, I hate him for that. I don't know this guy, but I hate him.

Thanks to her, I've learned a few things about love that I never thought of before. Lessons I should learn in order to not get myself hurt when I'm in a relationship with someone in the future.

The first is that I will not start a relationship with someone if I think that it wouldn't work out. I would consider the prospects thoroughly. If there's a possibility that one of us is going to get hurt in the end, I will not start it. And no, I don't wanna try to work things out. Because our hearts are at stake -no, my heart is at stake. And I'm too proud to get myself hurt.

The second is I will not submit my heart to this guy, unless I'm sure he's the one I'm gonna marry. Yep, I need to be sure that I will live the rest of my life with him. Then I will give him my heart, piece by piece, step by step. I will be careful in giving it -I will try to restrain myself from giving it up all at once. So I will probably be a little cold and toughen myself up in the beginning, hoping that in the end, he will carry my heart and take care of it with all of his heart for all eternity.

So in the end, even if I had done all of the above and in the end we still have to go our separate ways and suffer from heart breaks, I know that I've already done the best I could and that it is God's will that I must go through.

Thank you, my best friend. You didn't realize, but you taught me a very valuable lesson.

Ummm...

So I stopped posting the "When I See Your Halo" story because I honestly haven't figured out the best way to end it. Ha. Amateur, I know.. Well, maybe I'll come up with something soon.