I'm a huge nerd -_____-

I want to talk about "him" for a while.

I don't post anything in a long time and this is the first thing I decide to write about, lol.

It's kind of relevant right now. I feel like I have to talk about this.

I'm 24 years old now. My mom got married when she was 25. Many of my mom's friends' children are marrying young, and now, it seems like she wants me to get married soon too.

I know I've never dated anyone, but I'd be lying if I said I've never been in love. I'm constantly in love. I'm in love with an idea of him that exists in my mind. I want him to come to life.

But now...it looks like I have to let go of him soon. I kept believing that if I waited he'd come, but it's taking so long, and mom is now shoving other people at my face for me to consider marrying.

He doesn't exist...and will probably never will. And I have to accept it. He's too perfect. He is the amalgamation of all the fictional characters I've ever loved. I'm ridiculous, I know. But if you know me, then you'd know I immerse myself too deeply in every fictional world I grew up with. Those fictional worlds were my escapism that saved me from reality each time. I love those worlds and all the characters who live in it.

What does it mean to grow up as a girl? Why do I have to get married? I know in Islam it's a form of ibadah, sunnah that is strongly recommended. So even if I never fall in love with an actual human being, I'd probably still have to do it for that reason. I mean, nobody can push me into marriage, but society will still expect me to do it. My family, especially.

I just wish I could wait a little longer. He won't be perfect, I know, but I want him to fit into the picture I created of him. Is that too much to ask?

And yet...I don't know whether it's me being overdramatic, or whether he is already out there coming to me and I refuse to believe that he could ever be real, and I just can't see that he's already taken a life form. I don't know if I'll be able to recognize him when he comes. Which one will he be? What if I make the wrong choice?

Of course in the end, I would want to find my soulmate and build a family and be happy. I don't know.

I don't know if I'll get married soon...or much later. I don't know if I'll ever find "him". The rest of my life has already been decided for me even before I was born, so I'm powerless against fate anyway. He may or may not exist in this world. And I have no power to change that.

I just feel a little sad, if I had to say goodbye to the idea of "him" so soon. Honestly, I don't want to yet. I want to keep him here with me a little longer.

I'd just like to thank Mr. Darcy, Capt. Wentworth, Mr. Tilney, Ichigo Kurosaki (lol--but seriously), Halu Satonaka (lol--but seriously[2]), for giving him form, for giving him life within me. For helping me set my standards, for showing me what kind of guy a girl should deserve. Standards that have tortured me, but ones that have kept me from falling for the wrong guy. I will always love you guys.

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

This is it. This is the movie that made me want to return to my [crappy] blog and write movie reviews again. I just had to have a means to express myself on how much I liked the movie and maybe convince more people to watch it.
So here I am, back after nearly one year. I decided I will write a quick review about the movie on my [crappy] blog.
I wondered how I had managed to write all those old movie reviews before, and so I skimmed through those old posts...and I just have to warn you:

DO NOT READ MY OLD MOVIE REVIEWS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIES.
BUT YOU CAN READ THIS ONE. YES, PLEASE.

In the old reviews, I dropped 'spoilers' here and there without realizing, impervious that they were going to spoil your personal movie experience (I'm talking about the reviews which don't have "spoiler alert" warnings at the top). They're just awful, so stay away from them, for your own good.
No, I won't delete them because they remind me of a person I used to be. :P

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)
Directed by Colin Trevorrow
Written by Derek Connolly
Starring Aubrey Plaza, Mark Duplass, Jake Johnson, Karan Soni

This movie is something else.
Okay so basically it's about investigating a time-travel related ad in the newspaper, with the purpose of seeking a story to write for a magazine:

WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. I have only done this once before. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED.

Jeff (Johnson) takes two interns with him, "the lesbian and the Indian" Darius and Arnau, (Plaza, Soni) to go on a quest to find out about the person who wrote the ad (Duplass). I read on a website it's actually based on an ad in a magazine, except in real life it was written as a joke. The movie gives us an alternate reality that follows the timeline where the ad was not a joke, if the guy who put it out was serious about time traveling, or if that was the truth, was he a lunatic because he believed he could. Pretty interesting, huh?

The story is presented in a casual, unambitious way, with the feels of a typical 'indie' atmosphere, and if anything it adds to the movie's charm. I strongly suggest you watch the trailer, it's really effective in drawing you in and rousing your curiosity (it did for me). Watching the trailer made me feel like the movie had a great reveal, and, the positive reviews everywhere helped a great deal in convincing me this was the movie to watch. But I don't want to overwhelm you with the "great reveal" thing, it's really a subjective opinion which not everyone agrees upon. But in my own opinion, the movie was far from disappointing!

WHY YOU MUST SEE IT:
First of all, I think it has originality. Is that a heavy thing to comment upon a time-travel themed movie, its being 'original'? Okay let me explain. You know when someone mentions a time-travel themed movie and you immediately, just naturally grasp an idea of people traveling through time, alternating history, and such and such? Well, this movie has a different take. I won't say time-traveling doesn't take place, or if it does take place, (it's more complicated than that, watch the movie!) but let's just say, you're better off not knowing what to expect. The movie is original on its approach on the theme of time-travel, with the characters it brings to life, and how they interact with each other in reaching the 'goal' of the movie. A different aspect of time-travel is presented as a focus for the movie, and it contests our impression of the story during the movie: it makes us care about what the main characters are thinking and what they want to achieve. I don't know if this is a spoiler, I don't think it is, but for me, the ending was terrific, in answering the single most important question as we watch the movie.

Secondly, this movie has a great script, according to my opinion, in that every line uttered by the characters are mostly saying something distinguishing about their characters. It's well-written, loaded with humor, full of wit, and it not only offers an absolutely fresh take on time-travel, but also comedy, if I may be so bold to say (compared to movies I've recently watched--notice I was talking about me :P). And the charming characters: Aubrey Plaza's deadpan character and her dry humor is so refreshing to watch, and so are Karan Soni's flat remarks that actually crack you up. Oh I can't leave Jake Johnson out as Jeff, the 'leader' of the group who actually had an ulterior motive in pursuing the time-travel guy. He was hilarious, comes off as quite a jerk, one of those characters you can't really attach yourself to, but whose character actually goes through an interesting 'development' phase. And of course, there's Duplass' character, the time-travel dude...the one we're trying to figure out. He gives a solid, ironically convincing performance as a character you can't easily decide on--I mean, does he really know what he's doing, or is he just too good at being nuts?

To wrap it all up:
You have to watch Safety Not Guaranteed, if for no other reason than it's being one of those movies you immediately have the urge to talk about with your friends after watching. I laughed loads watching the movie, I envy the writer for the witty lines he invented for the script (because I often have to try hard, lol), and despite the story's laid-back, unambitious nature (debatable--it really depends on how you see it *wink*), I love how it makes us care about the characters. I like it so much I'm telling everyone on social media to see it. If you enjoyed the likes of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Ruby Sparks, the ambiance in 500 Days of Summer, or if deadpan humor / subtle humor is a brand of comedy you like, or if you're one of those who prefer indies to blockbusters, you will most likely enjoy Safety Not Guaranteed.

Arnau: What kind of lasers?
Darius: I don't know, I'm not a frickin' stormtrooper.
Jeff: This guy's awesome. He's over there right now thinking he's building a frickin' time machine. Hey Arnau, what are the chances he can do that with these lasers?
Arnau: How would I know, I'm not--
Darius: He doesn't know he's not a frickin' stormtrooper either.
Arnau: Stormtroopers don't know anything about lasers, or time travel. They're blue-collar workers.

A revelation after reading other students' blogs about studying abroad

I have to believe I can do it.
The problem with me is I keep doubting myself, when the fact is if Allah SWT gives His say-so, everything I aspire to achieve can come true. And nothing can happen without His say-so. I keep being worried about things that I can't control, and forget to focus on things that are within my control.
I won't tell you my dream right now because I hold a new principle now--don't tell people your dreams, show them. I will let them know by showing them. Bismillah! If Allah says so, anything will happen, anything that I ask Him, if He thinks it's the best. He knows what's best. I need to stop stressing!
So, I know what I want now, and the next step is 'how'?
What do I have to do to achieve my goal?
The first thing is to probably switch personalities. I mean--identify, explore, and improve my potentials. Bury the self-pity and all this emo-thing going on and start believing in myself. Lol. Start focusing on the positive things. Putting order in my life, training myself to become an orderly, positive person. I need to change!
Next thing to do...get my transcripts and bachelor's certificate copies legalized...which is kind of a pain to do due to all these administrative procedures--but hey, training to be positive, aren't we?? Okay. Just have an open mind!
Lol you can probably tell I'm pretty psyched right now and self-motivation is currently at its peak. No problem, Cha. Just need to maintain it.
And then...well, the rest is still a secret, don't wanna talk about it unless I've actually done something about it.
Must believe in myself! Believe! Hosh hosh!

I forgot to post this last Saturday...

But it remains absolutely relevant.

Saturday – 23/11/2013

Today, after cleaning up my room, I spent a whole afternoon just sitting and dwelling in my thoughts with the music blaring, as if waiting for something amazing to happen, for inspiration to strike out of nowhere. Afterwards I lied in bed and fell asleep. It’s been years since I felt this awful about myself. I mean, the feeling never really goes away, but this time it’s reached its peak again. The cause? After-graduation. Unemployment. Dreams and expectations screaming inside my head.

Have you ever felt like you’ve reached a dead end? There are many options, in truth, but when you break it down, what it really comes down to is the fact that you are actually…scared. Either you choose option A or option B, you feel insecure about how these options might or might not bring happiness to you. I thought I was over the whole fear thing, but this is a new kind of fear I guess. When you ask yourself what you really want to do, you think it’s irrelevant because you believe it will never happen. There’s a difference between dreams and fantasies. I am nowhere near actualizing my own dreams, thus in my fantasy they now belong. Hell both option A or option B are not even stable. This means, both options could easily slip away from me.

When I think about the source of my fear, I find that the real reason I’m scared of my future is me. I’m afraid I might mess up, bring embarrassment to my family, get fired at work, give myself a bad name—there’s just too much going on inside my head when I haven’t even made my first step. And I keep doing that…I keep worrying about things that are nowhere near happening, things that I actually have control over when the time comes to it. I feel like I might blow up. Do you know what that feels like?

Buku Perasaan

(Jadi waktu itu terlintas sebuah ide agar setiap perasaan/pikiran yang dirasakan/dipikirkan pada saat itu harus ditulis saat itu juga, dan ini sebagian hasilnya. Just random feelings at random moments :P)

Sakit
Kusimpan di dalam, kurengkuh, kepalaku bersandar padanya. Kutahan air mata, kutahan. Ia adalah bentuk binatang buas yang mengaum, menampakkan gigi taringnya, ingin menerkam, namun kuelus-elus, kutenangkan. Ia tidak boleh menerkam, sebab ia akan kembali terluka, tercabik-cabik. Belum saatnya keluar. Tunggu sampai sudah cukup kuat, cukup besar, dan bijaksana. Baru nanti ia akan kubiarkan keluar. Dan ia akan kembali dengan kepala tegak, dengan kehormatan. Musuh-musuhnya akan malu tertunduk, hidup, namun hidup dengan takut terhadapnya. Tunggu, tunggu saatnya. Ada saatnya.


Cinta
Aku cinta ibuku, aku cinta ayahku. Namun mereka sudah digariskan menjadi milikku, dan aku milik mereka. Namun cinta kepada dirinya berbeda, kepadanya yang bukan milikku, kepadanya yang perasaannya terhadapku tak dapat kubaca. Ada yang mengikat diri ini kepadanya, an invisible rope. Aku selalu merasa ditarik-tarik. Ragaku leluasa bergerak, menari, jungkir-balik jika aku memerintahkannya, namun jiwaku… Jiwaku dibekap. Kadang-kadang sakit rasanya. It’s like having butterflies in your stomach, they say. Tapi rasa sakit ini sampai membuatku ingin ke kamar mandi. Menunggu, namun tak keluar-keluar. Setidaknyaman itulah rasanya mencintaimu. Belum mencintaimu, mungkin, karena kita baru maju selangkah. But I am in danger of it. And I am scared.

Benarkah begitu rasanya? Sejujurnya aku belum pernah mengalaminya. Namun, aku ingin.


Nilai
Aku bukan objek. Aku bukan untuk dilihat. Aku bukan untuk ditonton. Aku tidak semudah itu kaudapatkan untuk kesenanganmu. Aku punya nilai tinggi, karena kau menginginkanku. Itu sudah menjadi fitrahmu. Aku belum disentuh siapapun. Kesucianku terjaga. Aku memasang harga tinggi untuk nilai yang kupunya, yaitu sumpah setiamu di bawah saksi Tuhan. Harga tinggi yang harus kau bayar dengan cintamu. Hanya dengan itu aku menyerahkan diriku padamu.


Paradoks
Paradoks itu adalah mereka yang mewanti-wanti agar anak bangsa bangga pada budayanya, namun hidupnya sendiri menganut cara-cara yang bukan bagian dari budayanya. Tidak ada penghakiman di sini. Hanya menyebut paradoks. Alangkah baiknya menetapkan pilihan yang tidak bertentangan dengan diri sendiri. Dengan kata lain, jujur pada diri sendiri. Mengambil satu contoh: pergerakan ‘progresif’. Menganggap dirinya ‘progresif’, namun tidak memahami anutannya sendiri. Membohongi dirinya sendiri. Ada orang yang benar-benar progresif. Ia memikirkan dampak pergerakannya / perbuatannya berdampak positif terhadap masyarakatnya, bangsanya. Dampak positif yang konkret, yang bergerak, dapat dirasakan. Ada orang yang mengadopsi pemikiran progresif tersebut karena itu berasal dari Barat dan itu pasti selalu ‘progresif’. Ikut-ikutan. Tidak ada penghakiman di sini. Hanya menyebut ikut-ikutan. Whether it’s wrong or right, you decide.


*Sorry if it's awful. Masih dalam tahap belajar. :P (Yang 'Cinta' itu becanda, don't take it too seriously okay :P)

To be continued.

2013.

To future Icha:

Hiya! I haven't posted anything in a long time, wow. This is my first post in 2013, and I just wanted to say, that, alhamdulillah, 2013 is going on pretty well. I think I've progressed mentally since last year, less anxious, less negative, a little bit more stable, and I've managed to try and see most things on the bright side. I still get anxious sometimes, get all negative on things, stressed out, depressed, but it's normal I guess. ;)

I'm doing my thesis now (baca: skripsi) and it started out quite exciting but now I just want to graduate already. The semester began with a determination of, "I'm getting an A for my thesis." Yep, that spirit stayed for quite a while. And then I started to get like, "You know what? A- will be fantastic." And then last month it went like, "You know what? I'll be satisfied if I get a B+." And then these last few days I settled with, "I just want to graduate."

My topic? Something about architecture and film. Lol. When I told my brother my topic he was like, "Is that even academic?" and "Gunanya untuk Indonesia?" Well, bro, sorry to say, my thesis cannot save our country. I chose it because I like it. It involves discussing Jacques Tati's 1967 film Playtime. At the beginning it was quite enjoyable to work on. But nowadays, I'm hoping my thesis would just finish itself already...

That's pretty much all I've been doing this year, working on my thesis. I still don't have a boyfriend. Lol. Oh and by the way, I sorta adopted this new perspective on this boyfriend/girlfriend thing? It's all this reading on 19th century novels I've been doing since the beginning of 2013. :| Yeah so I read Mansfield Park and then Persuasion and then North and South, and I saw the BBC Miniseries of North and South and then the Mansfield Park movie and both Persuasion movies, and I realized what I want...When I fall in love I want to get married (apart from the fact that I'm not ready yet lol, but hopefully I will be then). I want to avoid getting stuck in a long relationship and don't know how the relationship will end. Probably be in a relationship a few months, get engaged a few months, and then get married. You know, like Darcy and Elizabeth, Captain Wentworth and Anne, Margaret and Mr. Thornton. Oh my God. Yeah, I'm old-fashioned, whatever, lol. Because, "If a man really loves you, he will marry you." I forgot where I read that, but it stung me... And what if I die young? We never know. I don't wanna waste any precious time. It's not like I'm a teenager anymore, I'm turning 22 this year... :O (Gatau kenapa pengen jitak diri sendiri menulis ini, seolah-olah yakin banget things will go according to plan) Wallahu alam. Harus menyerahkan semuanya pada Allah SWT.

But now I'm worried about what'll happen to me after I graduate (insha Allah this August, if everything goes well, amin amin YRA ya Allah) because I decided I wanted to try get myself accepted in an architecture firm (firm, is that right?) and try to make money of my own, but my parents want me to try and get a scholarship. Not to mention my aunt who is in Adelaide with her husband and my brother, taking her S3 degree under a scholarship she got and which she is now advising me to try to get. I do want to try for that scholarship, but I'm just not scholarship-material... I'm too self-indulgent :| have I told you about my thesis topic? Yep, no contribution at all for this country.

Anyways that's how 2013 is going so far. Oh, and this week I started listening to Foster the People's Torches album, and surprisingly I love all their songs, I've been listening to the album all week. Omg. I've never felt this way about music in a long time. #FtP <3

2013 started out pretty good. Alhamdulillah. And bismillahirrahmanirrahim, may Allah guide us all in the small steps that we take to go further ahead. :)

(Jadi sebenarnya ini itu hanya dimaksudkan untuk selingan post yang berikutnya sebenarnya ingin saya publish, tapi terlanjur curcol, ya udalah hakhak) :* lupyu

dreams and limitations~

I'm 21 and I'm still struggling inside. I like to observe people a lot. I like to think of how my friends are doing, how they're living their life now. Are they closer to their goals..., their dreams? And then I look at myself and realize that I am still so very far away from my own. What am I doing now? What have I done to earn myself experience in the field that I wish to occupy one day? What is the state that I'm in now?

Orang lain dihadirkan Tuhan juga sebagai tolak ukur untuk menilai diri kita sendiri, sejauh mana kita udah berbuat, atau mencapai sesuatu. Di umur segini, banyak banget temen-temen saya yang udah jauh lebih sukses daripada saya. Baik dalam hal studi, pengalaman, kerja, etc etc. Kemudian saya tertawa melihat diri saya masih gini-gini aja. Where have I gone to? Who have I been? I know I'm better than this. So what happened? Where did all those years go? Ke mana perginya tahun-tahun di mana saya seharusnya bisa menunjukkan kapasitas saya yang maksimum sebagai manusia yang diberikan bakat oleh Tuhan.

I think -no, I believe I was wrong when I said growing up means leaving your imaginations behind. Who says I can't grow up with it? Did I ever tell you why I cried watching Pan's Labyrinth when the little girl...um, okay so I won't spoil anything, you should just go see the movie yourself if you haven't. I grasped a whole new meaning when I saw the movie a second time and cried a lot more then. The loss of innocence that comes with growing up... The realization of a horrible world, horrible people... When you grow up your mind becomes polluted with all worldly things all void of purity and innocence and you become one of those horrible people... That when you die a child you are saved from the clutches of the evil world and its horrible people, you are safe... That I actually envy those children... And of course because of my faith I believe that the innocence of children sends them straight to heaven without being trialed for any wrong on earth... Meanwhile, us grownups... I can't imagine all the wrongdoings I've done.
Well anyways. Straying away from the point here.

What I do know is that my imagination won't help me unless I produce something out of it, create something of value. That's what I have to do. I have to stop dwelling in pointless fantasy and actually do something. I have to focus on making my dreams come true. They are not at all impossible or too high to reach, I realized after a while. They're really very simple dreams. And all are born of imagination (I'm not saying I have great imagination, just saying I like to imagine a lot hehe) :D

I want to make movies. Short movies. Documentaries. All sorts of movies. I like to write as well, so I think I can write my own screenplays too. Problem is I'm not a smooth communicator nor am I a good leader. I dunno if I can direct a movie or not. But actually...I thought it would be a problem too when I started debating in high school. Turned out I didn't do bad at all, if I did my teachers would probably have stopped my participation in the debates, lol. I think I'm just not pushing myself enough. That's a fact I can be satisfied with at the moment right? :) Trying to encourage myself here.

I want to design buildings. Not necessary buildings- I'm happy if fate reveals that I will simply be designing architecturally-acceptable dwellings for people (and if I can aim a bit higher, like the Falling Water designed by Frank L. Wright). But then...sometimes I forget to think logically. In my head everything works well but when I explain things people always seem able to find a logical flaw in it...lol... Okay so perhaps to solve this I just have to do more research and learn a little bit more of structure and physics and that stuff and even more important, discuss my design with people frequently. Of course. Discuss more.

I want to write books. Like I said I like to write, and I have tons of stories in my head it's hard to choose one and focus on it before I go on to the second story. The fact that I am easily doomed into boredom kind of prevents me from working on a story from beginning 'til end and I really need help with that. How to focus. Consistency. Perseverance. :/

So far I have discovered that those three are the biggest dreams I have now. Of course there are other more personal dreams but...that's between me and God hehe.
It just sucks that some people laugh at these dreams. Imagination. Many call it naive. Well some are naive but some are not. As to the thin line that separates one from the other I myself do not know. I guess we'll all found out later, after we've tried. I know I've been naive myself for some time. But it's also been a while since I got out (I think. Hopefully. I don't know).
What I must do now...is take one step forward and never stop walking ahead.
But the first step is always the hardest.
So how do I take that first step that will be the cornerstone that sets the course of my future and changes my life forever.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

a revelation that will hopefully last an eternity

Ladies and gentleman.

I've been so stupid and selfish. I say this with great regret in my heart.

What have I been thinking?

How did I suddenly begin to adopt some kind of completely Western mindset? Individual before society.

So about that last post. So now I'm thinking I've been really stupid.
It's not supposed to be about me. It's about...a whole unit. It's about God, my family, the society, the whole thing. In Islam, marriage is sacred and is done under oath and witnessed by God and established for the goal of building a family that can make itself worthy to serve God and the society. In Islam, according to Rasulullah it is sunnah, hence strongly recommended to gain God's blessings. Why did I overlook this?
Some nights ago in the mosque this ustadz who was giving a sermon reminded me that marriage is sunnah and if we avoid it when we are physically and mentally fulfilled to do it, it is considered ignorance to one's religion and the teachings of the Rasul, and ultimately, God.

And then I read this book of quotes from Muhammad Hatta, the first vice president of Indonesia, and boy, did his words shake me. :/ How I idolize Muhammad Hatta now more then ever. I think he's actually a real life character that I could truly, deeply, admire. And this is not entirely because of the fact that he was born in Bukittinggi, where my grandparents from my mom's side are from (that makes me Minangese by blood), but the fact that when you read his quotes and speeches you get a sense of his...sensibility, intelligence, humility, broad knowledge, how strong he upholds his principals, that he is open-minded and has strong roots that won't let anything shake him. He is, after all, Bapak Koperasi Indonesia.

So anyway, he talked about how we of the Asian culture uphold the society above individual, in which the latter is the option more valued by the Western people, and how we should maintain that. And then, Hatta relates that to our religion, Islam, where society is above all as well. It's true. If we live in a neighborhood and our neighbors are starving while we eat plentiful, our family will be void of all God's blessings. And the teachings such as sharing our riches and goods with the poor and the aiding the orphans prove it more so.

I'm just saying that...I've been thinking too much of myself and my own misery...

Here's what is true, though.
Although I've changed my mind and decided that I do want to get married one day, because it's sunnah and I seek for God's blessings, I know right now I'm still not ready.
If, though, I never get married one day, I know now it won't be because I don't want to, but because...I'll never be ready. I don't know.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to grow up. I noticed only yesterday how truly hopeless I am in my parents eyes. How they look at us like we're still kids. Especially my mom, lol. Maybe that's why when my aunt joked about how now I'm in my last year in university (hopefully, amen) and that it's nearing the "time" and how I still haven't found the "candidate"..., my mom just smiled and was like, "meh" and added that I'm not fashionable or didn't like to look pretty or something like that so how can I get a guy to like me. True, maybe. Except that I'm not looking for a dude who will like me because of my physical appearance.

All that made me realize even more...how utterly sick I am...how I'm scared of no one but myself, that I'll never be able to change me, to make me grow up. I have these dreams...and they made me realize that...I've been dreaming too high.

"Don't see you showing any effort. People who want success are usually hardworking, diligent, perseverant. You...?" (My mom about my dreams) Well she didn't exactly say it that way, but more or less it went something like that. And my dad added another fact that sounded roughly the same. And then I told my brother, "See that? See that?" I meant to show how our mother likes to do that, demotivate us by reminding us...those things that demotivate you all over again. It's not their fault. They were just being realistic. I know it's true. My brother reminded me it's reverse psychology, that it's supposed to motivate me.

People wonder why I don't tell them stuff or whatever's going on inside my head and instead let it all out by writing in my blog or whatever. Well, it's because I know that there's no use in telling them these stuff. They will never ever ever ever understand. They won't, ever. After I'm done, they'll just dismiss it. Like most people do. Most people are just curious and afterwards they forget. And it's not their fault either. It's just life. But of course not all people are like that. Some actually understand. Those are the people who I'm able to trust. Trust...isn't that the hardest thing to give to someone? Again, I'm not blaming anyone. You can't force someone to care when you don't mean a thing to them.
But maybe I do that too sometimes. I can't understand people as well. Except that when someone tells me a story about their life I get all hooked and be all sensitive and cherish the intimate moment of friendship until I realize later that I was being too sensitive. The next day that other person just pretends it never happened. More often than not, that person doesn't reciprocate the sense of intimacy and trust you begin to feel for them. Good thing that you realize it sooner too. But it's started to make my approach on people somewhat cooler. More casual. Colder? I don't know. I'm just selfish I guess.

So anyway I only wanted to talk about marriage but I end up talking about more completely unrelated personal stuff. And I want the world to know that I don't blame anyone, not my family, not my friends, not God, I blame me. I am such an ultra pathetic mega loser. Can't even make a character based on me in my stories because she'd just be a total loser and everyone would hate her.

Anyways, please don't take this too seriously. I think it's just PMS. My state of bipolarity at this time of month is just undefeatable. Lalala~