I don't post anything in a long time and this is the first thing I decide to write about, lol.
It's kind of relevant right now. I feel like I have to talk about this.
I'm 24 years old now. My mom got married when she was 25. Many of my mom's friends' children are marrying young, and now, it seems like she wants me to get married soon too.
I know I've never dated anyone, but I'd be lying if I said I've never been in love. I'm constantly in love. I'm in love with an idea of him that exists in my mind. I want him to come to life.
But now...it looks like I have to let go of him soon. I kept believing that if I waited he'd come, but it's taking so long, and mom is now shoving other people at my face for me to consider marrying.
He doesn't exist...and will probably never will. And I have to accept it. He's too perfect. He is the amalgamation of all the fictional characters I've ever loved. I'm ridiculous, I know. But if you know me, then you'd know I immerse myself too deeply in every fictional world I grew up with. Those fictional worlds were my escapism that saved me from reality each time. I love those worlds and all the characters who live in it.
What does it mean to grow up as a girl? Why do I have to get married? I know in Islam it's a form of ibadah, sunnah that is strongly recommended. So even if I never fall in love with an actual human being, I'd probably still have to do it for that reason. I mean, nobody can push me into marriage, but society will still expect me to do it. My family, especially.
I just wish I could wait a little longer. He won't be perfect, I know, but I want him to fit into the picture I created of him. Is that too much to ask?
And yet...I don't know whether it's me being overdramatic, or whether he is already out there coming to me and I refuse to believe that he could ever be real, and I just can't see that he's already taken a life form. I don't know if I'll be able to recognize him when he comes. Which one will he be? What if I make the wrong choice?
Of course in the end, I would want to find my soulmate and build a family and be happy. I don't know.
I don't know if I'll get married soon...or much later. I don't know if I'll ever find "him". The rest of my life has already been decided for me even before I was born, so I'm powerless against fate anyway. He may or may not exist in this world. And I have no power to change that.
I just feel a little sad, if I had to say goodbye to the idea of "him" so soon. Honestly, I don't want to yet. I want to keep him here with me a little longer.
I'd just like to thank Mr. Darcy, Capt. Wentworth, Mr. Tilney, Ichigo Kurosaki (lol--but seriously), Halu Satonaka (lol--but seriously[2]), for giving him form, for giving him life within me. For helping me set my standards, for showing me what kind of guy a girl should deserve. Standards that have tortured me, but ones that have kept me from falling for the wrong guy. I will always love you guys.
