MY VERY OWN :3

A quick recap of everything I've tried to cook since the beginning of university life two and a half years ago (excluding the ones I've already posted in the post entitled Food & Me. Hehehe.) This one is nostalgic since I only felt the sudden urge of doing this post after surfing through my old albums on Facebook and seeing these photos of food I made in the past when I used to live in a place with a kitchen. Let's just say now I live quite far from the comforts and joys of a kitchen and I haven't cooked that much ever since, except the times when I get to spend the holidays at home...and I just miss cooking right now. I just really love to cook, although I never stated I was an expert. Lol. Check out Food & Me if you wanna know why. Just don't expect much professionalism. Hehe. :9

So here they are, in no particular timeline.

Chicken Steak with Mushroom Sauce and Cherry Tomatoes, first try ever, wasn't that good, but I was happy with it

Sausage and tomatoes, and I really, really loved the roasted tomatoes, or burnt tomatoes, whatever you'd call it, but I basically just love tomatoes

Boiled Potatoes with Butter and Sauted Mushroom, I think I meant to make some kind of mushroom sauce, but when I poured it over the potatoes it just...flooded the plate

Okay I never succeed in making pancakes, but this wasn't bad, thanks to the sauted mushrooms and the fried egg (I never like my eggs half-cooked), it was quite good actually

Yep a confusing combo, crab sticks with sauted mushrooms and burnt / roasted tomatoes, but it was nice, sometimes I just like to put everything in..., of course if I wasn't serving anybody

Those were some of the random cooking I did while living alone in the university phase of my life with a kitchen at my place. As you can see some are really random, I know. I mean, I just cook to make myself feel satisfied most of the time.

The following, I hope, are less random, since the cooking is done at home and mostly served for my family of four. :)

My mom made the steak and I made the barbecue sauce, it was gooddd~

Thick-as-your-thumb Beef Burger, yes I've always wanted to make really thick burgers ever since I saw that Oprah Winfrey show about the best burgers in the U.S. Well, now, I can make my own. And my family loved it. That time was the first time ever, the beef mixed with garlic, onion, a pinch of salt, a pinch of pepper, olive oil..., and well I think that was it. :3

Salmon Steak, as you can see this was made for breakfast, I don't know whether that was the perfect time to eat a salmon steak, but I just couldn't wait to cook the salmon already. I wanted to use asparagus but I couldn't find it so I used, um, I forgot the English for "buncis", lol, but you can see it in the picture. I also wanted to use Hollandaise sauce, but I think the flavor was too strong I didn't decide to pour it over the salmon.

This was basically just Paprika, Smoke Beef, and Bread. It was sooo GOOD, I mean, if you love Paprika. It was all spicy and hot and delicious, but I was using French Bread, whose outer brown part was really stiff, it was too late to discover I should've cut off the brown part.

Roasted Lemon Chicken, I don't know what I did wrong, but the lemons kind of added this bitter taste to the juice and all, but apart from that all was good. I was really excited I finally got to cook a whole chicken. :)

Aren't Paprika beautiful? This time I cut off the outer brown part of the French Bread, and now, it tasted better.

Below are some baking I did at home. Baking cakes is harddd-uh, it's really harder than cooking normal food! My only success was with the Oreo Cheesecake, which I liked hehe. Not that the rest were failures, it's just that they didn't exceed my good expectations of how it would turn out. :3

Oreo Cupcakes and M&M Cupcakes, the first time I tried to bake cupcakes ever, and I realized later on I should have used stronger cups that didn't allow the dough to scatter all over the place

That one above was a Chocolate Frosting Cake I wouldn't talk about much because it failed me; I didn't succeed in making a soft, spongy cake. The following, though, I liked very much...

Oreo Cheesecake! The only flaw was that little bit of ruin at the top of the cake, not the black ones, those are Oreo, but the that roundish thing in the center. And another case of overuse of water, but in the end it didn't matter. Because it was good, and I was happy, and my brother liked it. :)

Of course there are many cooking that went unappreciated through photographs because I just wanted to eat the food already lol...

I am just really hungry right now. And really craving to cook!

Okay guys, another excerpt from another story of mine...

Remember that Pride and Prejudice post where I wrote that ever since I saw that movie, I couldn't get it out of my head and every fictional idea of a story that appeared in my head since then had been centered upon and inspired by the chronicles of Darcy and Elizabeth's love story? Um, yeah I think I said something like that.

Well, this one down here is one of them. I know I said last time I was working on one of my stories entitled A Vintage Dressed Up Fiction, but the truth is I'm working on many stories at once because my inability to focus on just one. Only this one is like, one of the promising ones, lol *hopefully*.

So this is an excerpt of it called Pride Meets Prejudice When Lily Meets Cam by me -yeah, I know the title itself expresses my huge devotion to that story written by Jane Austen and I did it on purpose. Hey Bridget Jones' Diary was written as some kind of modern and twisted version of Pride and Prejudice, so I figured, it's alright for me to write my own version. Hehe. I'm posting it because I NEED SOMEONE TO READ IT. Other than my brother, who read it only because I forced him to which afterwards he surprisingly said he was actually curious about their future, lol.

I hope y'all like it.

*

*An excerpt from Pride Meets Prejudice When Lily Meets Cam

December
Lily Brown was reading the script of the next play by the lake, practicing the lines at her usual spot. There was a part where she had to sing the soprano playing the piano again, this time ala nineteenth-century damsel in distress, and she practiced that too, trying not to sing too loudly, even though there was nobody around. All of a sudden, when she looked up from her bench, she was surprised to see the most unexpected face standing there in front of her a few feet away: the distant Cameron Sarazen. She didn’t know how long he’d been there.

“Hi,” he spoke first.

“Hi,” she replied, bewildered and embarrassed, not sure whether Cameron often went to see her plays or not.

“I liked your singing,” he said surprisingly.

Lily flushed at this abrupt all the same pleasant compliment. “Thanks. Um, what brings you here?”

He shrugged. “I usually walk by the lake weekends.”

Lily didn’t believe it. “Really? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Are you here often?” he asked.

“Most afternoons, yeah.”

“The afternoon is the loveliest part of the day here, isn’t it?” he pointed out.

“Yes, it is. As you can see…” She gestured at the horizon and attempted a smile.

Amazingly, he smiled back, although timidly. She scrutinized his face to make out what he was really intending to say, but he soon revealed it himself.

“Lily… I want us to be friends. You’re the first real-life character I could ever admire in my life. I’ve been watching you and you’re different from everyone else I know. You’re the only one in the world right now who lives up to my expectations of a friend, and who is therefore worth being friends with. Despite your gossipy friends, even in the case of the boys, and your lack of good connections, I’d like to be friends with you from now on.”

Lily didn’t know what to say, she hadn’t been expecting anything like this at all. It now felt like being inside an inflating balloon, as the surrounding pressure rose and crushed against your head, forcing into your ear tubes, trying to block every sound from vicinity, your head threatening to explode – but before being inside that inflating balloon, she could swear to God, she had imagined a candle being lit and melting to the fire… If that made sense.

“Wha-?”

“You, it’s been only you for the past few weeks. It’s always been just me, but now, it’s you,” he emphasized.

Lily was silent… Was this supposed to be a compliment? But the vision of the candle had gone and the pressure inside the balloon was driving her mad – the balloon popped. She stood up abruptly, and burst saying, not entirely rudely, “Despite my gossipy friends? And my lack of good connections? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Cameron remained calm. “I have to say you got a knack of falling into the wrong group of people. At the beginning of the semester it was that Berry kid’s gang, and now it’s that Knockerbutters whatsisname, the drama king.”

“It’s Knickerbucks. And do you realize it’s my good friends you’re insulting here?” she asked, remaining rather courteous.

“Lily, those people don’t deserve to be your friends.”

She let out a sarcastic laugh, absentmindedly dropping civility. “And you do? You shun everyone from your life and you call yourself – deserving?”

“I am. We have so many things in common, can’t you see? Listen, I see people for who they really are. Some of those guys are really sick. Knockerbutters, he auditioned for that lead role only because of that kissing scene in the end, knowing you’d positively land the lead female role.”

“It’s Jared Knickerbucks! And he didn’t get the lead role, Luke did.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, they’re both after that lead role because of you. Do you know how they talk about you after your rehearsals? It’s sick, but you can’t see any of that. I, though, can, and I’m gonna help you out of the wrong hole.”

Although this made her curious to hear what they did say behind her back, she didn’t want to give him the pleasure of believing his words. “The wrong hole? What makes us any less wrong than any of them?”

“I am, and you are. I see you, and I can’t find a single fault in you. And it bothers me.” Cameron looked down at this, sort of drowned in on the effect his own words had on his thoughts.

Lily was silent as the shock blew, being secretly flattered at this, and then she looked away, choosing to forget it. “I read your blog, you know.”

“You did?” he asked, a little hopefully.

“Yeah.” She looked at him square in the eyes. “I read what you wrote about Cassie-Loui.”

Cameron shrugged, the look of hopefulness gone. “So now you know.”

“How could you write something like that about her?”

“It’s not like she didn’t deserve it-”

“But that doesn’t make you less of a jerk! That was a hurtful thing to write about anyone,” she said this almost sounding like a kindergarten teacher scolding one of her students, which almost annoyed Cameron at once; he shook off the desire to make any comments about it.

“Look, I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never mentioned her name in that post, did I? She read my blog, realized that the series of events were extremely similar to her own and freaked out. Not my fault she kept stalking me.”

“You obviously knew she was one of your readers? You really have no regard for others, do you?” Her tone went up a notch.

Cameron extremely preferred this stern and brisk tone of hers rather than the earlier kindergarten-teacher one.

“Cassie-Loui doesn’t have any regard for herself. She tails some guy around –which, in this case, is me- sends him frequent love notes, and craves his attention every minute they’re around each other; dogs do that, but not girls. Girls should never lower their self-worth just because some guy-”

Lily cut, “Okay, I agree, but that’s what happens when you feel hopeless, you can’t help it. Haven’t you ever felt that way?”

“No,” Cameron answered confidently.

“When the person whose attention you crave the most is not giving it to you – you seriously have never felt it?”

Cameron lingered for a moment on some pop-up thoughts but pushed them away. “Listen, Cassie-Loui’s problem is not my problem. If it’s so bad then she should hire a shrink whose expertise is settling down infatuation issues. She didn’t deserve my attention and I don’t regret it. You know what she did, how she’s like, and so does everyone else. Don’t go running around defending her, she’s not exactly a saint.” He paused at this for a while, enjoying the effect of his words on her. His eyes penetrated into hers and she frankly felt this eerie sensation that he was trying to rape her mind.

Lily was livid she no longer cared. “You’re a stuck-up asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else!”

Cameron appeared to look neither upset nor taken-aback. “I am better than everyone else,” he said indifferently.

Lily’s jaw dropped in shock of hearing this. “I have nothing more to say to you.” She started walking away.

Cameron kept up with her. “What is wrong with you?”

Lily laughed shrilly and spun around. “What’s wrong with me? Seriously?”

“Well, obviously there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to be friends with you.”

“Nobody asks other people if they want to be friends –they’re just friends! We’re not in kindergarten anymore, Cameron! For God’s sake, I’m eighteen in June-” Lily’s hands were flailing in the air, but she was cut.

“I’m seventeen in February.”

“You’re sixteen?” A decipherable air of annoyed understanding dawned on Lily’s face, which then mixed with a taint of sarcasm that was now evident.

“Seventeen in February,” Cameron repeated.

“That explains.” She started walking away.

“What?”

“Why you’re acting like a kid!” she shot at him. “If you wanted to be friends with me at all at least you didn’t have to tell me that it was against your own will and you only resentfully did it, despite this, despite that, blah blah –grow up, Cameron!”

He stopped dead in his tracks. “If growing up means I have to lie to your face for pleasure’s sake and everyone else’s then sorry, that’ll never happen.”

She turned around again. “Growing up means you should go to the mirror and start counting off the faults you have in you and fix you! Nobody is appreciated for always finding faults in others! ‘Hey, look at her, what a bitch! Hey, you got fat lips! Hey, you need a nose job!’”

“I don’t care about anyone’s appearance,” Cameron said carelessly.

“That’s not the point! The point is everyone’s only the greatest judge they can be for themselves.” Lily thrashed her arms in the air out of frustration. She fired away, “I mean, what do you know about people? You hide in this little hole you call life, you don’t know anybody’s stories! But I, at least, I mingle with them! I can make up my own judgment in my head but it doesn’t mean I have the right to be all negative, because I’m not perfect myself! You have no right to judge anyone unless you’re a God – or half-God, in any case.”

“Don’t talk about Gods with me, I know the case. Even those Greek Gods are flawed, why’d you think all those catastrophes kept happening? Hercules became a mortal, Hades attacked Zeus, Zeus slept with a mortal and the lady gave birth to Perseus…”

Whether Cameron was deliberately deviating farther away from the point, Lily couldn’t tell, but she decided not to combat him further on this. “Then I guess that would prove my point even more. Even Gods are flawed, why would you not be?”

Cameron had a straight answer. “Because a human such as myself should only be in comparison with other humans. Not with Gods.”

Both of them only stood there in silence. Cameron, apparently, was persistent that he was, as he stated before himself, “better than everyone else”. Lily was beginning to get the idea that Cameron wasn’t teasing, that he dangerously believed he was, and she suddenly found him the most haughty, disdainful, skeptic, boastful, full-of-himself, everything-prone-to-badness individual on the face of the planet.

“People like you should be extinct. I don’t want you to talk to me ever again,” she said.

The impact was at once and obvious. Listening to this hurt Cameron more than his expectations had warned him in advance… Or perhaps, he hadn’t been prepared in getting hurt at all. “I’m afraid I was wrong about you,” Cameron broke the silence.

It broke Lily’s heart severely that Cameron was the one to say this; as if he were the victimized in the outcome of the event. “You are, Cameron, just like you are with everyone else! How dare you say I have lack of good connections?!” She was on the verge of tears and was sick of herself for it.

“I’m just saying that there are people out there who are more deserving of your connection than the people you are connected to now.”

A thought crossed Lily’s mind that made her face suddenly turn bright red. “What kind of connections are we talking about here?”

Cameron didn’t answer. Lily understood. “I get it. My dad’s not an architect and my mom’s not a dentist. In fact, my parents are divorced, how disgraceful is that, right? And now I have a slutty step mom.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said through gritted teeth. He was almost angry.

“…Is it my autistic step brother? Is it because I work at my aunt’s bistro on weekends and hang out with the infamous people of the suburbs who appear to be so undeserving to you? Is it because of my weird twin sister?”

“No, she doesn’t have anything to do with this-”

“Is it because my uncle was your Physics teacher in high school and you never liked his teaching because you were always disturbed by the untidy way he dressed to school among all you neat and powerful rich kids who ruled the realm while you were unmistakably his favorite student? Yeah, Cassie-Loui told me.”

He tried to speak despite the shock he was trying to defy. “I didn’t mean…” But he didn’t continue.

Lily couldn’t believe this. Cameron didn’t appear to be tenaciously refuting any of it. If she was hurt when Cameron began addressing these issues to her just minutes ago, it was nothing compared to the agony he’s aggravated upon her now. She looked away. “You were wrong about me, Cameron. I’m sorry if it turns out I’ll never be able to live up to your expectations of a friend. But hey, I just did you a favor, didn’t I? You just found a fault in me.”

Cameron tried to crop up a rebuttal for this, but it seemed that half of his brain seemed to consent with what she just said. He despised himself for it. “I guess this means I’ll never talk to you again?”

Despite all the hurt, Lily was surprised to find herself slightly dumbfounded by the thought. She sighed. “No, you won’t.”

It had started to rain for a while. Cameron just stood there looking at her for a moment, taking in the entirety of the current affair; her replies, her accusations, her name-calling, her rejection, her –and it was heartbreaking to see- luminous but dampen almond-shaped eyes… And then he walked away…only to turn back at her again.

“You know what?” he addressed her, “Before I go, I’d like to say this one thing to you: you’re just as stuck-up and high as I am.” He had that hard look on his face and Lily’s obstinacy wavered. “At least I got that right.”

“What?”

“You believe yourself to be above everyone else, even though you don’t say it aloud.”

Lily was taken aback. “I do not believe myself-”

“Singing in the church choirs every Sunday morning when everyone else is fast asleep in their dorms? Staying behind class and completing your model until sunset when everyone else knows it’s a Friday night? Never joining in pub gatherings your roommate invited you to and instead, choosing to spend the night enhancing your architecture-drawing skills alone in your room by the window? Waking up fresh in the morning when everyone else is stooped out of drinking the previous night? Reading Harry Potter fan fictions on the web while everyone else tunes in on the latest fashion and celebrity gossip? And you think I don’t know what goes through your mind when you compare yourself to these people, when you think of who landed at the better end? You, and that you’re better than them.”

Cameron let this fact sink a while, and when Lily was about to comeback with a retort, he continued, “I have countless evidence but I’m not staying here much longer, so get this: -” he stepped in much closer and it staggered Lily a little but she didn’t back away, “the reasons I fell for you are the same reasons you believe yourself to be better than everyone else.”

And he left Lily standing there by the lake alone with her own thoughts, her feet seemingly rooted to the ground, eyes distractedly gazing at the sun setting on the horizon, the direction where Cameron’s figure had been earlier. She couldn’t believe all this.

Lily was strangely upset by her own charges and rejection more than his last addresses to her. She couldn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. Probably, she hadn’t expected Cameron to give in so easily and let her go in a flash with a harsh bite back. Possibly, she only wanted Cameron to admit she was right and he was wrong, and that he could give her a promise she could hold on to, or look up to, or whatsoever. Cameron was, after all, Lily couldn’t help denying, one of those scarce, uncommon, striking young men who impossibly existed in the twenty-first century where not a girl in the modern world could afford to reject. But that same striking young man had wounded her feelings more than she had imagined possible – the request and then the accusations – and that was it… they’d never speak to each other again.

*

*Praying to God that I will be able to continue and finish this story or at least ONE of my stories, amen*

2011. Copyrighted.

All rights reserved.

The Fall.

DAFFA:

Dunia ini dan aku berelasi bagaikan sebuah kinematoscope dan penonton. Motion picture di dalam sebuah kotak yang disaksikan oleh satu penonton sekali putar. Bedanya hanya, aku bergerak bebas. Aku bergerak leluasa memutar sendiri film yang di hadapanku saat ini, dan aku memegang kuasa atasnya. Semua pilihanku menentukan bagaimana jalannya film-film itu ke depan, hingga bahkan aku sendiri tidak tahu bagaimana film itu akan berakhir. Oleh karena itu, selama ini aku tidak pernah membiarkan orang lain mempengaruhiku untuk menetapkan pilihanku. Ini adalah film di mana aku yang menentukan akhir jalan ceritanya. Dan aku akan memastikan bahwa aku bahagia dengan setiap pilihanku.

Ketika ayahku memaksaku mengambil kuliah kedokteran, aku tidak menghiraukannya sama sekali. Well, ketika aku mengharapkan dirinya menjadi ayah yang baik bagiku dan kakak-kakakku apakah ia menghiraukan? Relasi antar manusia yang satu dengan yang lainnya itu seperti sebuah tim dalam permainan basket. Kenali tim, bangun persaudaraan dan rasa saling percaya, dan ketika bermain kau tahu kau bermain menurut strategi yang benar, sesuai kepercayaan, ekspektasi, dan pengharapapan yang telah dibangun atas satu sama lain. Bahkan, setiap langkah, setiap bola yang kuopor itu adalah pilihan, dan jika rekanku tanggap ia akan meneruskan pola bermain yang telah kucanangkan di pikiranku dan bertindak sesuai harapan. Lalu, dia akan mengopor kepada si pemain nomor tujuh, and number seven scored, dan benar, kan, mereka melakukan sesuai yang kuharapkan?

Karena latihan telah membentuk kami menjadi keluarga yang bisa membuat kami membaca pikiran satu dengan yang lainnya. Jarang sekali tindak lanjut pemain yang satu dengan pemain yang lainnya melenceng dari yang diharapkan. Secara tidak langsung sesi-sesi latihan, termasuk tentunya sesi pertandingan, telah mengajarkan kami tentang satu dan yang lainnya, sehingga dengan yakin kukatakan, aku juga membalas kepercayaan mereka terhadapku, dan aku tidak pernah mengecewakan mereka. Tidak hanya dalam permainan basket, aku yakin dalam permainan lain juga begitu. Hanya saja tempo permainan basket yang cepat mengharuskan kami untuk berpikir dan mengambil keputusan ekstra cepat. Kalau tidak, we'll lose the upper hand.

Aku tidak mempercayai ayahku, kenapa aku harus mengopor bolaku padanya dan menaruh harapan padanya untuk menjalankan pola yang kurencanakan untuk hidupku, to score in the game? In my game? Jika suatu hubungan tidak bisa dibangun di atas pondasi saling percaya, maka hubungan itu tidak akan berjalan. Jangan pernah harapkan apa-apa dariku jika kau tidak bisa memberikan hal yang sama padaku untuk diharapkan. Jangan berharap aku memenuhi permintaanmu jika selama ini harapanku padamu kau sia-siakan. Demikian hubungan ayahku dan aku.

Aku ingat hari di mana kedua orangtuaku memberitahu aku dan kedua kakak laki-lakiku keputusan mereka untuk berpisah, setelah enam belas tahun berumah tangga. Saat itu aku berusia sepuluh tahun. Aku tidak bisa menggambarkan bagaimana hancur berkeping-kepingnya perasaanku hari itu karena itu terlalu menyakitkan; mengilustrasikannya lewat kata-kata tidak akan pernah cukup sampai kapanpun. Yang jelas, aku terpukul berat, dan aku tidak berbicara kepada orang tuaku selama berminggu-minggu... Mereka mengkhianati kepercayaanku selama ini. Tapi..., ini bukan cerita tentang orang tuaku. Aku menceritakan semua ini padamu, karena Azka mengetahuinya, dan itulah yang merupakan titik balik hubungan kami yang terjalin selama ini.

I am now vulnerable in her eyes.
Azka dan aku beda jurusan; dia Arsitektur, dan aku Teknik Kimia. Cerita bagaimana kita bisa saling mengenal itu sebenarnya...sangat biasa saja, walaupun aku sudah beberapa kali melihat dirinya di kampus sebelumnya, entah itu di Kantin Teknik, di Lapangan Teknik ketika sedang gencar-gencarnya Teknik Cup, atau sekedar lalu-lalang di koridor, dan di pikiranku, ok, dia termasuk lumayan...untuk ukuran mahasiswi di Teknik.

Sampai suatu hari di mana aku berkenalan dengannya langsung, dan ini semua dimulai berkat teman baikku, Dika; jika bukan karena Dika mundur dari tim debat bahasa Inggris akibat terlalu sibuk dengan kegiatan di MPM dan lain sebagainya kala itu, aku tidak akan pernah maju menggantikannya...dan mengenal Azka.

Waktu itu adalah bulan April di tahun kedua perkuliahan, dan di kampus sedang berlangsung OIM FTUI. Hari berlangsungnya final debat antara Arsitektur melawan Teknik Kimia pun datang, dan Azka merupakan salah satu dari tim oposisi. Mungkin kau sudah bisa menduga apa yang terjadi selanjutnya. Dia tidak berbicara sebaik temannya dalam hal struktur argumen ataupun percaya diri, walaupun bahasa Inggris-nya sangat fluent, tapi dia membantai argumen-argumenku dan mempelintir fakta-fakta yang kulontarkan habis-habisan demi keuntungan timnya, dan aku tidak habis pikir kenapa dia terlihat begitu kesal padaku lewat sorot matanya itu. Ketika debat selesai dan kedua tim bersalaman, dia hanya tidak tersenyum padaku, sedangkan kepada dua temanku yang lain ia tersenyum. I admittedly was amused, tapi seperti biasanya aku tak ambil pusing.

Ketika duduk di kursi penonton menunggu dewan juri selesai berdiskusi, Dika sempat-sempatnya muncul di auditorium dan duduk dengan tim Arsitektur karena pacar barunya itu adalah first speaker tim Arsitektur yang bicara tadi. Aku menghampirinya dan bercanda mengatai dirinya pengkhianat, lalu ia mengenalkanku pada pacar barunya...dan Azka yang duduk di sebelah pacarnya. Aku bisa melihat Azka memalsukan senyumnya ketika diperkenalkan denganku, dan ketika Dika menyuruhku duduk di sebelahnya, Azka menjauhkan kursinya. Aku ingin tertawa. Was it something I said in the debate?

Semenjak itu aku selalu berpikir bahwa Azka tak menyukaiku. Setelah mengenalnya lebih dekat, dia akhirnya memberitahu alasan sebenarnya dia bersikap seperti itu...but we'll get to that later.

Dari perkenalan di final debat, insiden di mana dia memarahiku di sebuah sesi latihan debat untuk OIM UI, hingga waktu itu... waktu di mana sesuatu terjadi yang mengoyak-ngoyak pertahananku sehingga aku tak dapat menahan diri menangis di hadapannya.

Semenjak orangtuaku bercerai, aku memutuskan, akulah yang menetapkan pilihan hidupku ke depan. Aku tahu jika aku yang mengambil pilihan itu atas kehendakku sendiri, aku tidak akan menyesal. Akulah yang berkuasa atas diriku sendiri, dan akulah yang menentukan apapun langkah ke depan yang harus kuambil. Maka ketika aku mengopor bola di dalam permainan basket, aku bukan semata-mata mempercayai rekan setimku, tapi mempercayai naluriku, instingku. Ketika aku berperan dalam filmku sendiri, aku sekaligus sebagai sutradara dan penulis naskah. Dunia ini milikku, layaknya seorang penonton film dan kinematoscope.

Akulah yang mengambil pilihan-pilihan itu. Jika pun aku menyesal, setidaknya aku tahu bahwa akulah yang memilih itu dan saat itu, aku punya alasan-alasan yang bagus. Hubungan yang kubangun dengan orang lain, semuanya dilandaskan atas rasa saling percaya seperti tim permainan basket, dan aku tidak akan pernah menaruh ekspektasi apapun terhadap orang dan berharap mereka akan peduli padaku ataupun pilihan-pilihan yang kuambil, kecuali mereka layak mendapatkan tempat itu. Ketika kau tidak percaya pada orang itu, kau tidak mengopor bola, kau menentukan aksimu sendiri, kau mempercayai pilihanmu sendiri. Seperti yang kukatakan, tiap langkah yang kuambil dalam bermain adalah pilihanku. That's how it is with people.

Aku tahu repetisi tentang permainan basket ini membuatmu jenuh, muak mungkin, tapi aku mengulang-ulang ini karena aku sendiri...berusaha membuat diriku mengerti. Mengerti posisiku dalam permainanku sendiri -dalam hubunganku dengan orang lain. Dalam filmku sendiri -dalam hidupku.

And now, there's Azka.

Sebelum aku bisa merasakan kepercayaan timbal balik itu dengan dirinya, pertahananku sudah terlanjur runtuh, dan aku menangis di hadapannya. Titik balik itu.

"Gimana filmnya?"

"Yang Before-Before? Sucks."

"Lah? Kenapa?"

Because it makes me think of being away from you and it hurts. 

"Sucks aja."

"Ah, payah lu."

"Ya, ya, okay, screenplay bagus, chemistry antara Ethan Hawke dan si cewek juga bagus banget deh..."

"Ya kan? Lebih suka Sunrise or Sunset?" 

"Sunset. You mean the sun, right?" 

"I mean the movie." 

Aku hanya diam, melihat ke dalam matanya. Sebentar lagi gue bakal pisah sama lo, Ka, how can you expect me to be happy with movies like that at this moment?

...A recorded memory. Not long ago.

Ikatan.

AZKA:

Dari kejauhan, aku masih bisa melihatnya. Aku bisa melihatnya dengan jelas, in my mind's eye. Hari-hari setelah ia pergi, kedua mataku berhenti merekam seluruh adegan yang berlansung di hadapannya dengan teliti. Dulu, aku adalah pemerhati hal-hal terkecil yang biasanya tak dipedulikan orang, dan biasanya aku selalu mengingatnya. Tapi sekarang, aku seolah-olah lupa untuk merekam semua itu. Bagaimana caranya, jika otakku sibuk memutar memori tentang dia yang sekarang berada amat sangat jauh di sana? Jika mata di dalam pikiranku sibuk melihatnya? Waktu yang tak kulalui dengan berbicara dengannya terasa hambar. Yang paling parah, aku selalu merasakan semacam lubang besar yang menganga di suatu tempat di hatiku sekarang. Beginikah rasanya? Jika ini masih belum cinta namanya, aku tidak tahu apakah aku masih sanggup menerimanya ketika ia datang. Seperti yang diucapkan tokoh yang diperankan Ben Affleck di film Chasing Amy, Holden,

"If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened."

Tadi malam, aku terguncang karena sesuatu yang dikatakan Daffa padaku. Sungguh. Benar-benar.

Kenapa dia baru menanyakannya sekarang?

Setelah dia pergi, aku sempat berpikir dia tidak serius mengatakan yang dia katakan padaku sebelumnya. Apalagi, setelah hari ulang tahunku, kami sempat tidak berkomunikasi selama empat hari. Empat hari yang cukup membuatku depresi (bayangkan, cuma gara-gara dirinya). Pikiran yang aneh-aneh merasuki benakku. Apa yang terjadi? Secepat inikah dia menemukan yang baru? Dan hari berikutnya, aku ditiupkan angin kelegaan di atas kelegaan; ia muncul. Lalu kami akhirnya melanjutkan komunikasi lewat segala macam bentuk social networking online yang tak perlu disebutkan lagi.

Sudah tiga minggu semenjak hari ulang tahunku. Dan ia baru menanyakannya sekarang. Sudah berminggu-minggu aku bertanya-tanya, kenapa dia tidak pernah menanyakan itu? Waktu itu, kupikir mendengar dirinya menyatakan perasaannya saja cukup. Lama kelamaan, aku mulai sadar, mungkinkah itu berarti bahwa ia hanya ingin aku tahu perasaannya, tapi ia tak ingin bersamaku karena satu dan lain hal yang ia pendam? Mungkinkah, ada beberapa kekurangan di dalam diriku yang tak bisa ia terima? Aku tidak tahu. Sungguh selama berminggu-minggu aku hanya menghibur diriku sendiri dengan memori sehari sebelum keberangkatannya ke Jepang, dan segala bentuk perhatian yang pernah ia tumpahkan padaku semenjak kami mulai dekat.

Tak sekalipun aku ragu memberikan jawabanku. Like are you kidding? This is what I've wanted for a LONG TIME! Aku telah sangat ingin menjalani hubungan seperti ini dengan seseorang semenjak SMA. Kebanyakan menonton film drama-romance dan membaca novel-novel ber-genre serupa membuatku malah menjadikan itu sebagai impianku, betapa bodohnya. Dan pada saat itu, aku sudah tahu yang kuinginkan bukan hubungan pacaran anak SMA yang labil dan penuh drama, aku menginginkan yang serius, yang tulus, tanpa drama. Namun, tentu saja aku tidak mengekspresikan diriku seperti itu ketika ia menanyakan pertanyaan itu padaku, yang benar saja. Daffa itu orangnya dewasa, setidaknya aku berusaha mengimbangi sedikit kedewasaannya dengan bersikap...sok misterius sedikit. Yang jelas, aku menjawab iya.

Cara menanyakannya saja berbeda. Tidak sekalipun ia menyebutkan kata "pacar" atau "cewek" atau bahkan, "be mine". No, he didn't say it like that. Dia mengatakan,

"Ka, gue cukup mengenal lo untuk tahu kalau lo ngga suka terikat sama apapun. But, unless I'm mistaken, you feel the same way about me. Gue ngga mau ribet lagi dengan pikiran-pikiran yang cuma nambah berat semuanya. Yang gue tahu, gue sayang sama lo dan gue pengen terus ada buat lo. Gue minta maaf karena ini datangnya ngga lebih awal dan sekarang gue udah jauh dari lo, tapi walaupun gue jauh, gue bakal berusaha untuk selalu mastiin gue ada. Gue udah nanya sama diri gue sendiri, dan jawabannya, ya, gue mau terikat, gue sangat yakin. Seperti sepasang benang kusut yang ngga bisa dipisahkan lagi, seperti lautan ngga terpisahkan dari darat. Dan gue tahu, gue ngga bakal tenang sebelum gue menanyakan ini. Walaupun lo ngga bisa lihat gue saat ini, lo harus tahu bahwa permintaan gue ini amat sangat tulus dan ini yang sejujurnya gue rasakan. Azka, lo mau terikat sama gue?"

Aku sempat mudik ke sebuah dunia paralel di mana waktu tak berjalan. Aku hanya menatap layar dengan mulut tercengang dan tangan kaku di atas keyboard. Selama beberapa detik, aku hanya terpaku. Sementara aku mematung, aku sedang memberikan ruang pada kebahagiaan membuncah-buncah di dalam hatiku untuk berledakan seperti kembang api di malam tahun baru. Lalu selanjutnya, kebahagiaan itu menyebar dan aku merasakan pacu adrenalin yang sangat kuat lalu aku bangkit dan, seperti hari dia menyatakan perasaannya itu, jingkrak-jingkrak sendirian di kamar.

Aku membaca kalimat-kalimat itu berulang-ulang, dan di dalam kebahagiaanku yang tak terbayangkan, yang kupikirkan sambil senyum-senyum sendiri hanya, "Dasar Humas BEM, tipikal." Omongannya terstruktur, diksinya terpilih, semuanya tertata. But I didn't mind. Mengetahui Daffa, aku sudah yakin bahwa ia telah susah payah memikirkan bagaimana cara yang tepat untuk mengatakannya, dan yang terpenting, bahwa ia tulus.

Aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta sebelumnya, dan sepengetahuanku, Daffa juga tidak pernah. Mungkin, lebih tepatnya, dia tidak sempat.

Selama perkuliahan, aku mengenal Daffa sebagai orang yang sangat berdedikasi terhadap komitmennya menjalani segala sesuatu yang dia pilih, masuk dalam organisasi BEM tidak semata-mata untuk eksis, tapi benar-benar mengincar pengalaman dan menyalurkan aspirasi dan pendapatnya. Buktinya, ia mampu mengimbangi kesibukan organisasi dengan tuntutan tugas dan persaingan yang begitu tinggi di jurusannya. Seolah belum cukup, dia juga atlet basket di Fakultas Teknik... Aku tak habis pikir bagaimana anak itu mengatur waktunya. Setelah dekat, aku akhirnya tahu; Daffa itu orangnya santai, tapi disiplin waktu. Dia jarang sekali menghabiskan waktunya untuk main-main jika ia merasa masih ada tanggung jawab yang belum ia penuhi. Aku benar-benar salut. Masuk akal kan jika waktu untuk pacaran jadinya juga tidak ada?

Lalu, bagaimana bisa dia sempat-sempatnya melihatku...lalu memilihku? Aku yang biasa-biasa saja dan amat sangat pasif ini, dia memilihku. Hingga sekarang, aku selalu berbunga-bunga memikirkan ini. Selama ini, aku terus bermimpi. Kapan saatnya datang di mana aku bisa merasakan hubungan spesial itu dengan orang yang tepat? Aku sempat curiga diriku akan menjadi an old maid. Tapi, Tuhan maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang, aku benar-benar tidak percaya, I'm living it now. Dan terlebih lagi, bersama seorang Daffa. Daffa yang sejak dulu selalu kukagumi dari kejauhan.

Aku menjawab iya.

Aku hanya ingin dicintai seperti Fatimah dicintai Ali, seperti Khadijah dicintai Rasul. Aku ingin tidak terpisahkan, seperti sepasang benang kusut yang tak bisa diurai lagi, seperti lautan tak terpisahkan dari darat.

"Iya, Daff, gue mau."

Azka.

DAFFA:

Aku adalah pemimpi banyak hal yang tak mungkin. Mimpi-mimpi yang indah untuk diimpikan, tapi menghadang bagai serbuan ribuan shuriken yang siap mengoyak-ngoyak...lalu aku pun terbangun di realita. Namun, jika aku lihai, mungkin aku bisa menangkap shuriken-shuriken itu satu per satu dan menyimpannya untuk koleksi. Shuriken itu senjata ninja super sakti, super, dan kalo aku punya banyak akan kutempelkan sebagai hiasan di dinding kamarku. Intinya, tinggal bagaimana kita mempersiapkan diri kita untuk menghadapi mimpi-mimpi itu. Jika persiapan diri baik, aku tidak jadi 'terbunuh'...namun bagaimana jika aku tidak mempersiapkan diri sama sekali? Terkoyak-koyaklah ragaku. Aku harap ini masuk akal bagimu.

Tapi aku sangat menginginkan shuriken-shuriken itu. Mungkin untuk selanjutnya aku dapat mempersenjatai diriku dengan itu. Dan, akhirnya, aku mulai membekali ragaku dengan segala ilmu yang dapat membantuku bergerak dan bereaksi super cepat, refleks super fleksibel. Aku belajar menguasai pedang. Lama kelamaan pedang seolah-seolah menjadi perpanjangan dari tangaku, menjadi tanganku. Lalu aku pun menjadi samurai. Sehingga suatu hari kemudian muncullah sekelompok remaja kura-kura ninja menyerang...musuh abadiku. Okay, so, maybe not like the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Masalahnya adalah, ada satu hal. Hal ini tak pernah menjadi bagian dari mimpiku. Maka ketika ia datang, pedang samuraiku, bahkan shuriken-shuriken itu, tak berdaya. Apa yang harus kulakukan? Salah satu mimpiku mulai terwujud menjadi kenyataan. Ini tahun ketiga kuliah, dan aku akhirnya mendapatkan beasiswa untuk transfer selama satu tahun di sebuah universitas ternama Jepang. Satu tahun... lumayan. Lumayan, dalam arti...aku harus menunggu cukup lama untuk melihatnya lagi.

Yang membuatku bingung adalah aku tak pernah merasakan ini sebelumnya, mengimpikannya saja tidak. Aku mengesampingkan semua pikiran itu untuk nanti, ketika aku sudah kerja, sudah mapan, tidak mau mimpi-mimpiku membunuhku dalam kelengahanku. Tapi, apa mau dikata? Pada awalnya ketika ia datang aku mengutuk diriku, dasar bodoh, dasar lemah, tapi bukan serbuan ribuan shuriken yang datang mengoyak-ngoyak. Tubuhku utuh...ia hanya mengoyak hatiku. Mengoyak hatiku, dan aku membiarkannya.

Aku membiarkannya.

Yang paling meyiksa adalah malam-malam itu, ketika sendiri, dan pikiran-pikiran tentangnya muncul. Perasaan itu menyakitkan sekali, amat sangat menyakitkan, berkali-kali aku harus menahan diri untuk meraih handphone dan meneleponnya. Kenapa perasaan itu membuatmu ingin selalu mendengar suaranya? Aku sering tidak bisa tidur dibuatnya. Ia membuatku bertanya-tanya banyak hal tentang dirinya. Aku tak mengerti, aku benar-benar tak mengerti. Kukira hanya mimpi-mimpiku yang bisa membuatku seperti ini. Masih lumayan, aku masih bisa menangkal serangan-serangannya dengan keahlianku, tapi dirinya? Aku sama sekali lost.

Ah! Dan jauh darinya sama sekali tidak memperbaiki keadaan. Walaupun aku sudah menyatakan perasaanku padanya sebelum berangkat. Walaupun dia tidak berkata apa-apa, dari reaksinya aku tahu dia merasakan hal yang sama. Lalu kenapa harus berpisah sekarang? Kenapa ketika mimpiku sedang baik padaku, prospek dengannya justru juga sangat bagus ke depannya jika aku tetap di sana? Atau ini justru hanya efek keberangkatanku ke Jepang? Mungkin aku harus berterimakasih. Kalau bukan karena mimpiku yang terwujud menjadi kenyataan ini, aku tidak akan pernah terbuka dengannya tentang perasaanku. Tapi seperti yang kukatakan, berada jauh darinya malah semakin membuat perasaanku berantakan, konsentrasiku terpecahkan, stabilitasku terganggu...stabilitas dalam belajar, tentunya, aku tidak akan pernah mengakui diriku galau. Galau itu untuk para anak yang masih hijau. Tidak, aku tidak pernah mengikuti trend galau, aku hanya... berusaha jujur pada perasaanku sendiri.

Kemajuan teknologi memungkinkan kami untuk berkomunikasi setiap hari, tapi aku tak bisa menghindarkan diriku dari pikiran aku tidak bersama dengannya... ketakutan bahwa ketidakberadaanku di sana akan membuatnya... lupa. Untuk pertama kalinya, aku takut dilupakan. Selama ini aku tidak peduli apa yang dipikirkan orang tentangku. Tapi aku sangat peduli apa yang dia pikirkan tentangku. Aku takut ada yang mengambilnya dariku. Di tahun pertama kuliah, aku tidak pernah melihatnya sebagai perempuan yang cantik, tapi entah bagaimana, setelah mengenalnya dengan baik, I saw her in a new light. Sungguh, aku seolah-olah melihatnya sebagai orang yang berbeda, ternyata selama ini, dia itu cantik, aku saja yang tidak melihatnya. Dan aku takut, jika ada yang melihatnya seperti aku melihatnya. Lebih baik aku loncat dari tebing tinggi daripada mengakui hal ini, tapi jika aku loncat, aku akan mati, dan aku takkan pernah bertemu dengannya lagi.

Antara mimpi dan dirinya. Siapa yang menyangka dikoyak-koyak hatimu oleh seorang manusia tak bersenjata bisa lebih menyakitkan? Aku ingin mengikatnya padaku, ingin memastikan tak akan ada yang bisa mengambilnya dariku, tapi demi Tuhan aku bukan manusia posesif, aku ingin tetap memberikannya kebebasan. Long distance relationships rarely work, and they hurt. Aku tidak ingin mengambil resiko itu. But, then again... Maybe I want to take that risk. But what about her?

Jika menembakkan pistol ke kepalaku bisa menyelesaikan semua masalah ini, pasti sudah kulakukan.

Mungkin, yang terbaik adalah membicarakannya dengannya. Apakah dia ingin terikat? Aku harus bertanya, satu pertanyaan itu saja, untuk membuat hatiku merasa secure. Menyatakan perasaan saja tidak cukup, semuanya masih gantung. Mungkin itu kunci dari kerisauan ini. Aku ingin tertawa. Tidak pernah seumur hidupku keyakinanku terhadap diri sendiri bergantung pada sebuah jawaban dari orang lain.

I truly meant it when I told you I loved you, Azka, truly.

when Rukia meets Ichigo in an alternate world (edited)

*editan

Aku berjalan di tepi trotoar. Melihat-lihat sekelilingku sambil mencoba memecahkan suatu persoalan yang sangat rumit. Yang hingga berabad-abad yang lalu gagal dirumuskan oleh para ilmuwan: semua orang di sekelilingku berpasangan. Ya. Dan aku sendirian. Aku sendiri, while they all have each other. Persoalan yang ingin kupecahkan adalah, kenapa dua orang yang sedang jatuh cinta merasa bahwa dunia menjadi milik mereka berdua? Ini persoalan yang tak bisa kumengerti. Aku tak mengerti karena aku tak pernah jatuh cinta. Aku tak pernah jatuh cinta, karena aku merasa memang belum ada laki-laki yang bisa kucintai sejauh ini -yang layak kucintai.

Sejauh ini, yang kulihat, mereka semua sama saja. Sejauh yang kutahu, memberikan hati sama saja meracuni laki-laki. Racun itu nantinya menyebar lewat pembuluh darah menuju sel-sel otak mereka, menyumbat pembuluh, menyebabkan aliran tidak berjalan, sehingga menghasilkan penyakit yang disebut BESAR KEPALA. Itu sejauh yang kutahu.

Aku memasuki sebuah cafe. Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya apa yang kulakukan sendirian. Well, teman-temanku semuanya ada urusan. Ayah dan ibuku keluar kota. Kakakku keluar bersama teman-temannya. Mungkin kau akan lebih terkejut mengetahui tepatnya jam berapa aku keluar pagi ini. Ya, pagi ini masih pukul sembilan. Di kota ini, warganya memang lebih suka keluar pagi. Aku sangat mengerti kenapa. Namun tak perlu kujelaskan lagi.

Jadi, aku melangkah ke dalam sebuah cafe yang ramai dengan pasangan-pasangan. Sengaja. Aku seolah ingin memamerkan kesendirianku pada mereka. Menunjukkan bahwa aku bangga karena aku single. Dan bahwa aku berani menapaki tempat itu sendirian, tidak peduli mereka peduli atau tidak bahwa aku hanya sendirian. Intinya aku hanya ingin menunjukkan keberadaan kesendirianku. Tiba-tiba terpikir olehku, mungkin alasan aku masih sendiri sampai sekarang adalah karena aku memang sanggup sendiri, aku kuat, aku tangguh secara fisik dan mental, dan banyak laki-laki yang tidak suka itu.

Aku duduk di tengah-tengah cafe. Tidak ingin duduk di pojok, karena tidak ingin memberikan kesan menyudutkan diri. Kesan bangga dan rasa percaya diriku bisa hilang jika aku melakukan itu. Lalu…, aku melihatnya. Laki-laki itu. Tepat di seberangku. Ia sedang duduk bersama seorang perempuan. Yang menyebabkan aku tercengang, adalah fakta bahwa tiga hari yang lalu, aku juga melihat laki-laki yang sama duduk di seberangku, namun dengan perempuan yang berbeda. Entah kenapa, dan aku bersumpah, aku tidak tahu kenapa, darahku mendidih. Emosi menyelimutiku. Aku marah. Aku marah karena si perempuan tidak tahu diri. Saat ini ia sedang merasa di atas angin gara-gara perhatian dan mesranya sikap si laki-laki terhadapnya. Laki-laki itu tampan memang, dan ia menyadari ketampanannya. Namun ia tidak tahu. Ia tidak tahu bahwa tiga hari yang lalu, laki-laki itu ke sini dengan perempuan yang berbeda, dan memperlakukan perempuan itu dengan cara yang sama. Bodohnya kaumku…!

Yang lebih parah, ketika perempuan itu menoleh, aku baru bisa melihat dengan jelas mukanya. Karin, anak pindahan, teman baru adikku yang belakangan sering main ke rumah dan ngobrol denganku. Karin, yang menurut bocoran dari adikku, sakit-sakitan, tapi menutup-nutupinya gara-gara tidak ingin dikasihani. Aku harus bertindak. Aku harus bertindak…!

Ketika pramusaji menanyakan pesananku, saat itulah aku beranjak dan berjalan ke mejanya Karin. Semua orang memang mengenalku sebagai perempuan yang cenderung impulsif. Aku sendiri tidak bisa menahan diri kadang-kadang, tapi itulah aku. Dan kadang aku juga suka diriku seperti ini. Reckless, some people say. Anyway, aku berjalan ke mejanya Karin. Semakin dekat laki-laki itu semakin tampan saja. Tapi aku tidak akan termakan. Dua puluh tahun hidupku aku tidak pernah termakan laki-laki seperti itu, kenapa kali ini harus berbeda?

“Karin.”

“Kak Rukia?” Karin tersenyum, kaget melihatku berdiri di hadapannya.

“Hai. Jauhi dia, Karin.”

“Eh?”

“Jauhi laki-laki ini. Dia membohongimu.”

“Maksud kakak?”

“Tiga hari yang lalu dia membawa perempuan lain ke sini, Karin! Dia telah mempermainkanmu. Jauhi dia. Ayo, kuantar pulang.” Selama berbicara aku tak sekalipun menatap langsung mata laki-laki itu, tapi dari sudut mataku, aku tahu, dia sedang menertawakanku.

Karin tertawa. Aku semakin panas.

“Karin, kau tak percaya padaku? Ayo kita pulang. Jangan buang-buang waktumu untuk laki-laki seperti dia.” Aku menarik tangannya, pelan-pelan tapi pasti. Karin tidak memberontak. Aku justru heran. Karin masih tersenyum.

“Biar aku yang mengantarnya pulang.” Laki-laki itu akhirnya bicara. Ia telah berdiri.

“Jangan sok pahlawan. Aku tahu apa yang kaulakukan. Kau itu penipu. Ayo kita pulang, Karin.” Hmmm, kuakui aku memang sensian sama laki-laki berwajah tampan.

Karin tertawa.

“Jangan berbuat ini, Nona. Kau hanya akan mempermalukan dirimu sendiri nantinya. Biar aku yang mengantarnya pulang. Aku tinggal serumah dengannya.”

Kalimat ini menusukku. Mereka…, jangan-jangan, sudah menikah? Karin, si anak berusia lima belas tahun itu, dengan lelaki perayu ini?? Membaca keheranan di wajahku, Karin berbicara.

“Kak Rukia, tenang. Ini hanya kakakku.”

Laki-laki itu tersenyum melihat ekspresi di wajahku yang tak bisa kutahan. Sandingkan wajahku dengan tomat, dan kau akan melihat yang mana yang lebih merah sekarang...

“Perempuan yang dibawa kakakku ke sini tiga hari yang lalu itu Yuzu, adikku.”

Laki-laki itu tersenyum lagi, lalu mengulurkan tangannya. “Perkenalkan, Ichigo Kurosaki.”

“…Ru- Rukia.. Rukia Kuchiki.”

***

Semuanya baik-baik saja sekarang. Sebelum pulang Ichigo menawarkanku duduk semeja dengan mereka. Tidak usah kuuraikan lagi betapa malunya diriku. Itu sudah tidak penting karena semua orang juga tahu bagaimana rasanya jika berada di posisiku. Tapi Ichigo berhasil mencairkan suasana.

Dan…, aku tidak bermaksud menggombal, tapi kurasa, ia telah mencairkan hatiku. Sungguh!

Aku tadinya mengamati bagaimana sikapnya kepada adiknya (yang tadi kukira kekasihnya) dan aku sangat, sangat terharu. Dia adalah tipe laki-laki penyayang. Kulihat dia cuek, apa adanya, namun sangat penyayang kepada adik-adik perempuannya. Dari perbincangan itu juga, aku tahu bahwa Karin telah menceritakan sebagian tentangku pada kakaknya itu.

Aku merasa malu pada diriku sendiri. Aku telah termakan. Seumur hidupku, inilah pertama kalinya aku tidak bisa santai kala duduk semeja dengan laki-laki. Padahal di situ ada Karin.

Kurasa inilah jawaban dari persoalan yang selama ini ingin kupecahkan. Di sebelahku ada Karin, namun aku tidak merasakan kehadirannya. Aku hanya merasakan… Ichigo. Ichigo Kurosaki. Dan sekelilingku, buram. Hanya dia. Setiap kali aku menatap ke dalam matanya, itulah yang kurasakan. Bodoh memang. Tapi ternyata begitulah rasanya, ketika dunia menjadi milik berdua (untuk sementara karena aku tidak tahu perasaannya, dunia masih menjadi milikku saja).

Ingin rasanya kumenampar diriku keras-keras. Aku tidak ingin terluka nantinya. Namun, sebelum berpisah, Ichigo mengatakan sesuatu yang membuat jiwaku ingin melompat keluar dari ragaku.

“Nanti sore kau sibuk?”

“Tidak.” Aku menjawab sambil berusaha stay cool.

“Kalau begitu kau bisa menemaniku keliling kota? Sudah banyak yang berubah selama tiga tahun terakhir.”

“Oh. Kenapa tidak dengan Karin atau Yuzu?”

“Aku takut adik-adikku kecapekan kalau kuajak. Tapi kalau kau…, kita sama-sama tahu.” Dia memamerkan senyumnya yang paling menawan.

Aku berubah pikiran. Kupikir ia tidak sadar betapa menawannya dia. Ya, dia benar-benar tidak tahu. Ada ketulusan di matanya yang tak kutemukan pada kebanyakan laki-laki.

Anehnya, aku mengiyakan. Dan yang terjadi selanjutnya, sudah bisa ditebak. Jalan-jalan sore berujung ke sebuah makan malam di restoran seafood di pinggir pantai, dan setelah itu ia mengantarku pulang. Selama bersamanya, aku benar-benar menemukan jawaban itu. Dunia hanya milik aku dan dia. Aku tidak peduli orang-orang di sekelilingku.

Keesokan harinya, Ichigo mengajakku keluar lagi. :)

Daffa.

AZKA:

Seperti inikah rasanya? Matamu memiliki jangkauan penglihatan yang luas, batasnya paling-paling bahu di sisi kanan dan kirimu. Aku menjelaskan ini secara rinci karena ingin kau membayangkan betapa luas sudut pandangmu. Coba lihat. Kau memiliki banyak titik yang bisa menjadi fokus lensa matamu. Namun, tahukah apa yang dilakukan sebuah perasaan asing ini padaku? Aku hanya bisa melihat dirinya. Yap, sisa pemandanganku blur. Aku tidak melihat pohon hijau yang daunnya rimbun dan kemayu ditiup angin. Aku tidak melihat langit biru cerah dan awannya yang putih bertebaran bak kapas-kapas bertempelan di kanvas. Semua itu berasal dari memori. Yang aku tahu sekarang, hanya dirinya.

Aku melihat sepasang jendela hatinya yang terpampang di wajahnya. Ia tidak terlalu tampan, tapi ada sesuatu di sana. Ada sesuatu yang membuat mataku tertarik mengintip ke dalam jendela hatinya itu. Iya, matanya. Matanya sungguh berbeda. Matanya berbicara.

Entah bagaimana, hanya aku satu-satunya yang berpikir seperti itu. Yang lain menyebut dirinya, "Biasa-biasa aja. Menang tinggi doang." Namun, mereka tidak merasakan apa yang kurasakan tadi pagi, ketika ia berdiri di sebelahku berhimpit-himpitan di dalam bis kampus hingga bahu kami bersentuhan. Mereka tidak merasakan ketika dirinya berusaha menahanku ketika tubuhku -seperti halnya mahasiswa lain yang berdiri- menjadi sebuah contoh nyata dari soal-soal fisika SMA ketika sang pengemudi mengerem kendaraan secara mendadak. Tapi yang terjadi, tubuhku tidak terhempas ke arah depan, tubuhku tertahan pada tubuhnya yang entah bagaimana bisa tetap berdiri tegap tak bergeming. Tapi aku merasakannya! Aku merasakan force tubuhnya melawan force tubuhku. Dengan kata lain, dia menahanku! Dan pada saat itu, entah bagaimana ceritanya, kedua mata kami bertabrakan dan aku pun tahu. Aku pun tahu. Selama ini, kami tidak hanya berteman. Selama ini, aku hanya butuh sign, sebuah konfirmator untuk menyegel kebenarannya. Sebuah moment. Itulah momennya. Ketika aku berhasil mengintip ke dalam jendela hatinya, dan hatinya berbicara padaku. Dan aku merasakannya. Dan aku berharap, dia juga merasakannya. Tapi, ia pasti merasakannya kan?

Kalau tidak, kenapa waktu aku mengalami maag akut dan muntah-muntah di kamar kos salah seorang temanku dia susah payah datang berkunjung dan menetap hingga aku tertidur pulas malamnya? Padahal itu hari Jum'at dan ia tidak jadi pulang ke rumahnya di Jakarta Selatan, padahal ia selalu pulang di akhir pekan.

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia susah payah membuatkanku sebuah karya collage yang amat sangat bagus dari kumpulan foto polaroidnya dari perjalanannya menjelajahi alam dan wisata Indonesia sejak SMA, hanya karena ia jenuh menyelesaikan laporan praktikum di hari Minggu?

Kalau tidak, kenapa semenjak aku terpaksa bolos dua kali karena ketiduran akibat begadang malam sebelumnya, dia yang selalu bangun pagi meneleponku setiap pukul enam pagi di hari Senin untuk memastikan agar aku bangun dan tidak ketinggalan kelas jam delapan di hari itu?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia membaca dan menganalisa satu per satu setiap posting dalam blog, tumblr, dan twitter-ku dan membicarakannya denganku keesokan harinya? Seperti yang, baiklah kuakui, diam-diam kulakukan pada profile dan wall facebook-nya, berhubung dia tidak punya blog maupun twitter ataupun tumblr?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia menonton semua film dan membaca buku-buku kesukaanku berulang-ulang hingga menghapal dialog-dialognya dan memamerkan 'pencapaiannya' padaku?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia menceritakan semua yang dia rasakan dan pikirkan pada hari itu padaku, tapi tidak pada orang lain?

Kalau tidak, kenapa dia sering menatapku ketika aku tidak menyadarinya? (Baca: pura-pura tidak menyadarinya)

Aku yakin...ia pasti merasakannya. Namun, itu tadi. Sekarang, aku tahu ia merasakannya.

Karena, tadi pagi, ketika turun dari bis dan hendak menyeberangi jalan, dia memegang pergelangan tanganku dan tidak melepasnya hingga kami sampai di seberang jalan. Memang jalanan kampus sedang ramai karena kakak-kakak yang wisuda, tapi tetap saja itu belum apa-apa dibandingkan jalan raya Margonda yang angker dan pengendaranya bikin makan ati. Ia melepaskan pegangannya dengan cepat lalu bersikap seolah-olah tidak terjadi apa-apa.

Karena tadi pagi, setelah sepagian menunggu appointment ke dokter gigi bulananku selesai di PKM, setelah bubar makan siang bersama-sama dengan teman-teman sejurusan di Kantin Teknik, setelah ia mengantarku pulang sampai ke kosanku, di depan gerbang, ia memberikanku sebuah kado untuk ulang tahunku besok yang bertepatan dengan keberangkatannya ke Jepang dalam rangka memenuhi panggilan beasiswa yang ia raih di sebuah program studi pertukaran pelajar Indonesia-Jepang. Padahal tidak ada yang tahu hari ulang tahunku.

Karena tadi pagi, ketika aku tidak kuasa menahan haru dan air mata mengalir di pipiku, spontan tangannya mengeluarkan topeng konyol yang sama-sama kita kenal itu dari balik tasnya, dan ia mengenakannya dan menirukan dialog-dialog aneh dari film-film komedi yang relevan dengan situasi saat itu sehingga membuatku tertawa.

Karena tadi pagi, sebelum pulang, kami hanya bertapapan selama waktu yang tak terhitung, dan tanpa diduga siapapun, dia mengatakan tiga kata itu, dan aku tidak mampu lagi menatapnya, dan ia tidak butuh jawaban karena aku menangis lagi, tapi ia tersenyum hangat...dan aku membalas senyumnya.

Dan dia berbalik dan melangkah pergi.

Seperti inikah rasanya? Matamu memiliki jangkauan penglihatan yang luas, batasnya paling-paling bahu di sisi kanan dan kirimu. Aku menjelaskan ini secara rinci karena ingin kau membayangkan betapa luas sudut pandangmu. Coba lihat. Kau memiliki banyak titik yang bisa menjadi fokus lensa matamu. Namun, tahukah apa yang dilakukan sebuah perasaan asing ini padaku? Aku hanya bisa melihat dirinya. Yap, sisa pemandanganku blur.

Aku tidak melihat pohon hijau yang daunnya rimbun dan kemayu ditiup angin... Aku tidak melihat langit biru cerah dan awannya yang putih bertebaran bak kapas-kapas bertempelan di kanvas... Semua itu berasal dari memori.

Yang aku tahu sekarang, hanya dirinya...sosoknya yang menjauh. Aku tidak akan bertanya kenapa momennya datang terlambat... Aku tidak akan bertanya kenapa konfirmatornya muncul di saat seperti ini... Walaupun aku tidak akan bertemu dengannya dalam kurun waktu lima bulan ke depan, tapi aku berharap, aku yakin...aku tahu, aku tetap menjadi satu-satunya yang dia lihat. Walaupun dari kejauhan.

I love you too, Daffa.

favorites and least favorites in A Game of Thrones

So I recently finished reading George R. R. Martin's first book of A Song of Ice and Fire series right, A Game of Thrones, and I LOVED it, and now I'm in the middle of reading the second book, A Clash of Kings, and I just gotta write down my thoughts on the first book before I forget. After reading the book, I've now seen the HBO miniseries adaptation, but we'll get to that later. As usual, this post contains spoilers.

A Game of Thrones. I didn't love it right away, at the beginning it was hard for me to digest the writer's style of narration, because I was sort of used to J.K. Rowling's style in Harry Potter (yeah I'm referencing the series because it's like my favorite series of all time even A Song of Ice and Fire isn't capable of bringing down...yet), but while I read further onto the twentieth-thirtieth pages, I started getting the hang of it.

First time I started reading the book, it was hard to situate and sort of picture myself in the story, because, you know, a moment one character says this, and then another character appears and starts to refer to something else, and I had no idea who these people were, where they were, what they were doing, but as I said, you start to get the hang of it, because bit by bit the pieces start completing the puzzle and it all starts to make sense and you start getting plunged into the story. And yes, it was when I was able to start capturing the whole picture, that I started to love it, and when you love a story, you have your own personal favorite characters who make the story worth reading for you.

Of course, as the story develops in the series, the characters develop as well, and from the beginning to the end of the first book, a couple of times I've undergone change of heart, altered regard, but as far as the characters go in the first book, here are my favorite and least favorite characters.

Favorite characters

Jon Snow

So, yes, 14-year-old Jon Snow is one of the most common favorites of readers. His point of view was one of those I loved to read most. Having been born a 'bastard' and hence being befallen upon the misfortunes derived from his status, the one who is despised and deliberately mistreated by Catelyn Stark, all of us easily fall for this 'bastard' of Ned Stark's and his good heart, me most especially by his affection towards the Stark kids, Arya and Bran, and of course, predictably, his kindness and later on close friendship with Samwell Tarly.

Being brought up as a 'bastard' in Winterfell, Jon grows into an utterly sensitive boy, especially against those talks regarding to his status as a Stark 'bastard', and this is most apparent once he has joined The Wall. Sometimes he whines, complains, and acts and talks recklessly, and sometimes I think he's not half as mature as his half-brother Robb Stark is, but still, we can't help but sympathize with him and his kind heart and his courage. He is one of those characters whom you expect big stuff from in the future of the series, and I can't wait to see what becomes of Jon Snow.

Arya Stark

Okay, first of all I'd like to say, Arya Stark was built out of the typical character bases of those I've encountered so many times before it was unsurprising to find her like that, but that didn't stop me from loving her as the story developed. She's strong, smart, brave, she fights, she gets to have sword lessons, she's close with Jon, and she sees a lot more to stuff compared to her naive sister, Sansa, and she's only 9 years old in the first book, and on top of all, she hates Joffrey and Queen Cersei.

Like Jon, I'm also anticipating a lot from Arya Stark, and I can't wait to reveal to myself what roles she has in the future of the series which I haven't read yet. I like the book Arya much, much, better than the HBO miniseries Arya, probably because the miniseries Arya was too...I don't know, loud and reckless compared to the book Arya? But hey, I don't know, that's just me.

Robb Stark

I started falling in love with Robb's character when he started leading his men towards war against the Lannisters, when he came up with that idea of dividing his men, which came unexpected for the Lannisters, and in which he ultimately retrieved victory against Jaime Lannister and held him captive. I like how wise and mature Robb is for is age. I like how he answers the call for duty and his responsibility as his father's eldest son, no matter how he feels tortured inside. At first, I found him acting older than his age and pretending to be all lordish and trying to take command and all that stuff annoying, but later on, he became it, without having to act it anymore.

I completely fell in love with him more when he maturely agreed to the terms of Lord Frey, of him marrying one his daughters. That was a big thing for a fifteen year old, and he took it like a man, so he could bring his army across the Twins. Not that he had any choice, but at least he didn't complain and act like a kid when his mother told him of it. Oh, Robb. And he defeated Jaime Lannister! And the direwolf of his, Grey Wolf! Yes, I love him too.

Robb is not one of the characters who gets a point of view, but I hope this is because another character is supposed to depict his greatness someday, like, become the ones who witness the greatness of his role when it comes, like that part when they made him the King in the North. That part made me CHILL. I just hope Robb continues to be great and doesn't disappoint. I hope he becomes truly wise, wiser than his father if he can. In fact one of the reasons why I don't include Ned Stark as one of my favorite characters is because I found some flaws in his character and his thinking, but it doesn't mean I'm indifferent of Ned Stark. No, I regard him deeply and I actually deem him as one of my almost favorite characters (he was a favorite at the beginning of the first book).

I just hope that Robb Stark becomes a great king one day! I even have this sort of random expectation that he'll end up marrying Daenerys Targaryen in the end, lol, but who knows? Hehe :D

Now..., the HBO miniseries Robb? He was no disappointment. Yes, he made me fall in love with Robb even more, as I continued to watch the series, just as when I was reading the book. *giggles* Hey, I'm a girl. And besides, I really thought he was able to bring up everything the book delivered about Robb.

Least favorite characters

Joffrey Baratheon

The moment I first read about Joffrey, I already HATED HIM. He was such an insufferable pain in the ass, he was so PAINFUL to read that I wished he'd just get killed already. I really wish Robb Stark will be the one to kill him one day. I don't think I need to explain anymore. Everyone knows. He's stupid, he's spoiled, he's a coward, he's big-mouthed, he's stupid, he's spoiled, he's a coward, he's big-mouthed, yep I said them twice. I don't care how old he is, I hate him. And he is EVIL. He is just pure evil.

Cersei Lannister

Incest? Murder? Incest? The willing to do anything for power and self-satisfaction? And... let me see, incest? I hate the book Cersei a thousand times more than I hated the HBO miniseries Cersei. Lena Headey was able to soften her a bit, make her seem a bit elegant a bit, I don't know..., in my mind's eye Cersei was just a lot worse. She is just pure evil. Did I say this already? Oh yeah, on account of her son. Mother and son, both pure evil.

Sansa Stark

Okay, I know she's just an eleven year old, and that she's naive, and has the innocent dreams of becoming a queen like Cersei one day, but I just hate her, and I hate the HBO miniseries even more. Well, alright, if it wasn't for the HBO miniseries Sansa, I wouldn't include her in this list right now. The book Sansa was a bit more lady-like and innocent than the one on TV, who was so demanding and rude to her Septa. So, yeah, I hate the TV Sansa. Although I'm starting to feel slightly sorry for Sansa in A Clash of Kings, part of me thinks she deserves it.

So, yes, basically all my favorite characters are the Starks. Why I don't include another common favorite, Tyrion Lannister? Firstly, he's a Lannister. Secondly, he sleeps with whores. Thirdly, well, he's too straightforward sometimes it's annoying. But alright, he's clever and good all right (but who knows what he'll do in the future with that cunning mind of his, right?) Ned Stark? Apart from the points I've made about him and his flaws, there's this other thing that, despite how sad I was when they killed him, when JOFFREY killed him, I couldn't help thinking that it was all his own doing, that he fell into his own trap, I mean, how could he trust Littlefinger so easily? How could he be so forgiving towards Cersei after he found out and why did he have to reveal to her that he KNEW? The immense regret I felt for his loss and the cause behind it (and such a HUGE loss it was, especially for the Stark kids) sort of made me lose my sense of heroic appreciation for him, if that makes sense... Daenerys Targaryen? Um, I don't know, it's just hard to admire a fourteen year old girl far, far away, when you have the Starks around in the Seven Kingdoms, being in the action, stealing all the attention. And the Starks rock! Though I have to admit Daenerys grew strong in the end and I actually cried when she pushed the cushion on Khal Drogo's face, and that part where they discover those baby dragons on her? That also made me chill. Although not as much as the screams of, "THE KING IN THE NORTH!"

Yep. Those were my favorite and least favorite characters in A Game of Thrones, and as I've said before, as the series develop, anything can happen that can allow the characters to change, and you might like them forever, you might lose that regard, you might discover new characters to like... We'll see. :)

I RECENTLY DISCOVERED LOOKLET

OMG. Today I started looking up looklet.com that a friend of mine recommended (yes, you, Nadia) and I instantly became addicted to it! I'm not really a fashionable person and I don't follow the latest trend and I could never admit I have good sense in fashion, but yes, as a girl, it's perfectly normal to be attracted at least a little to fashion. Okay, in my case, maybe not a little. I looked up some of the styles the other girls created and they were fantastic.

Well, okay, to be honest I actually liked designing ever since I was a little girl. When I was little, I used to draw these dress designs and when my dad took a look at it, he said that I was going to be a designer one day. Well, I'm not designing clothes right now, I'm studying architecture and if I succeed at this I might be designing buildings one day, but who knows, maybe I could design buildings and clothes at the same time, you know, like the amazing Zaha Hadid. She's like, fantastic, incomparable. Maybe I could do three like buildings, clothes, and books at the same time, lol, I'm giving myself a tall order. Hey, I can dream stuff, okay? :P

So, in Looklet, you sign in, and then you get to create your own styles and save them to your account. There's a variety of cool real life fashion items such as clothes, bags, hats, and shoes (by real designers) from which you can make your combination on the model you choose yourself, and some of these girls on Looklet make the most spectacular designs.

Here's the styles I came up with today! I'm actually feeling excited about this. I'm not saying they're good, but they're sort of like how I'd probably dress myself in an alternate universe since I can't possibly dress like it in real life. In other words, here's me! :D

Now that I think of it, that first one up there is horrible. :| I think so, I don't know.

This one below was inspired by the character Winona Ryder played, Lydia Deetz, in Tim Burton's Beetlejuice [1988]. Ever since I saw her in that movie, I actually considered dressing myself up all Gothic grabbing it as my personal style in the future. As if.

So yeah, that's probably how I'd dress myself up in this universe if I were allowed to. Not that anybody restricted me to do so or anything, it's just...you need to have money to buy the clothes right? While I'm just a student pursuing her study. In architecture. And I don't have a job yet. And these days architects rarely make big time money unless people know your name and your works are top notch. Er...correct me if I'm wrong.

Maybe in the future, when I make my own money, yeah, I'd get all the types of clothing I want. Or maybe, when I marry a really rich guy. I don't know. Deviating from the point, sorry.

I haven't decided how I look today, but now that I've thought about it, here's today's look!

Anyway, I really wanted to start working on my architecture assignment, but Looklet got the best of me. All Nadia's fault. Kidding.

I think I'll be posting more from Looklet soon. ;)

Link to my account on Looklet: Icha

one of those dear diary posts

Dear reader, (if any)

This is just one of those moments where I vent my heart out because of another storm of...'galau'-ness. Okay so I had a dream. I'm not gonna tell what dream I had yesterday, but I woke up smiling from it and my mood lifted all day, I even named it the best dream I ever had in twenty years. :O It was so real I felt like I was literally living it. There was him and he sat next to me and I felt our shoulders brush and I finally knew what it felt like to feel that thing you call love on someone. I mean, I can't believe I learned it in a dream, it's so NOT fair! What I felt was so real I could still feel it now. And I want to have that in real life.

So, all in all it was one of those really good dreams, but really bizarre, I was like sort of making a really huge decision out of blue and everyone questioned it and even I questioned it and couldn't believe it would be happening at last, and my family and his were starting to arrange it and all that, but my family started questioning my decision, and then I woke up. No, I didn't get married in that dream, if you guessed that, but okay, something that leads to that.

What makes it a bit disturbing is it involves some of the close people in my life. So him was someone I knew in real life, and one of my best friends was actually in it and she was a completely different person I really much preferred her to the real-life her O.O -hey best friend, no hard feelings here, you were just like so cool in the dream that's all. I mean, she really took over things, she asked me these questions, she brought him to me, she was really different, it was as if she was the strong one and I was the one who always needed direction. Wow, I really miss the dream her now, I really admired here there. What makes it truthfully the most disturbing is because who he is in real life. Like, come on God, really?? What do you mean by that? And now I'm starting to think of him again and I actually stalked his facebook profile today, haha. -_-

Maybe it would've been better if he didn't exist in real life, or if I hadn't seen his face in the dream clearly, but I clearly saw who he was and the dream obviously understood our situation in real life to bring it in like that. God..., this is really awkward and embarrassing for me. But in that dream I was so happy! I was about to enter a new phase in life and I felt excited, I felt like I was ready for it! Omg this is so weird. With him? Hahaha.

It just seems so abrupt and out of the blue considering how things are in real life. In real life, it's just impossible right now. But I guess, it's entirely my fault that I was self-indulgent and stalked him again, haha, I mean, at the beginning I was smiling all day because of that dream, because of what I felt in it, not because of him in particular, not because who he was. But then I started getting all curious and I started thinking like 'how's he doing now?' and I gave in to my own self-indulgent suspicions. Lol. The dream wasn't supposed to head to that direction. Now my head's full of what ifs. I let my mind think these thoughts and have these expectations and it's just frustrating.

I'm sorry for writing about this stuff. I feel so pathetic. I just have to let it out or else I'll keep thinking about it. The point is, I usually don't think too much about this stuff, I mean, didn't, but now I think about it all the time. Ever since that dream. When, God, when will you show me The One? Or have you, but I just don't realize it yet? Sigh. I feel ridiculous. It's not about having a boyfriend, it's about feeling 'that thing' again, when I sat next to him in that dream and heard his voice -not referring to the him in real life, but him as that someone just for you. Blah. Maybe I shouldn't write about this stuff. I don't know, maybe I'll delete this post in the future. But I just have to admit I'm really one of those hopeless romantics right now. Sigh. I wanna feel it again, God...

And yet, now I look at myself again, and I think, who on earth would like a girl like me? Even I wouldn't like me. But then, God promised each of us our soulmates. Maybe I just gotta keep waiting. *fingers crossed* :|

continuing when you have no other topic to talk about.

*this post contains spoilers*

So I think it's time I talk about another favorite movie of mine.

(500) Days of Summer [2009]

I loved Marc Webb's direction, I loved the cinematography, the art direction, the editing, the screenplay, the cast, the main characters as well as the supporting characters, and the music especially....and, Summer Finn's hairstyle, wardrobe, and pretty much all of her. But let me first go back to when I saw this indie movie for the first time...

I saw this movie the first time when I was 18, in the first semester of university, in 2009. Man, I just got it, like, it really got me, totally. I was literally inside Tom Hansen! Not, literally, of course, but anyway, that expresses as much. I could feel all the things that Tom felt for Summer -I could like, literally absorb everything that the movie offered, I felt like I was literally sucked into this wholly alternate universe. Zooey Deschanel as Summer was adorable and I could completely understand how Tom felt around her. I know I've been using the expression 'literally' wrong but let's just ignore that. The point is watching this movie I felt the same things as when watching Pride and Prejudice (2005).

Okay, so I think this is one of those movies where you have to see it more than one time, to actually get more than what you've gained on the first watch. So, it's like, the first time I saw this movie, I was seeing it entirely from Tom Hansen's point of view, like I was the victim and all that. That first time, I was really, really unhappy with Summer, I mean I didn't understand her...I almost hated her.

It was disappointing to me that he didn't end up with Summer, to be honest, on the first watch, but then if it had ended otherwise, it would be too typical and predictable...it would be a love story. And the narrator said upfront that it was not a love story.

But the second time and so forth, I was able to start seeing from Summer's point of view as well and I learned to actually forgive her. I know that there are a lot of people who don't like the movie, and I'm guessing it's the Summer factor, but let's look again. We all know Summer said she didn't want a serious relationship, so they didn't make it serious and they didn't define their relationship anyhow. Tom played along with that. But what Summer really is, is a fragile-hearted girl whose heart was broken when her parents got divorced. What more could she ask for than reassurance, someone who could overrule her own belief that 'there's no such thing as love, it's fantasy.' Tom and Summer had that so-called casual relationship for an approximate time of, what was it, nine months? That's quite a long time, I'm guessing Summer's been waiting for reassurance from Tom, but he didn't show it. Instead, he kept holding things as they were when they began, and she started losing that feeling of certainty, in other words...she started getting bored, but once again it was not because of Tom, but because he wasn't able to make her feel sure about him, make her feel secure...when she already felt that thing she never believed existed. Remember what Alison, Tom's blind date, said? Well, hinted, more like, but drunk-Tom wasn't able to catch the hint.

When I look at Tom again, he's a bit childish at times... Like that time he hit that guy in the bar, when he didn't have to do it for Summer's sake, but he did anyway to get her attention. Tom didn't have this certainty about him, a courage to act, something that could reassure Summer. Tom couldn't read Summer that well nearing towards the end, I mean, it was time he shifted his game, but he couldn't see that, he couldn't see that Summer was starting to lose the 'it'-ness of their relationship. Like, he easily believes one thing and gets destroyed by the other -in this case he's also a fragile little thing, and a bit naive. Summer needed someone to make her feel certain so she wouldn't end up in a divorce like her parents, and Tom didn't give that, while the guy who became her husband did. Summer explained in the end, didn't she? That she discovered the feelings she was never sure of with Tom in another guy, the one who was now her husband. I mean, nine months is quite a long time for a 'casual' relationship, Summer did feel something for Tom since the relationship held on till that long, but she wasn't sure, and she was scared, and she left. So, Summer's not a cold hard b*tch after all. :)

So, those were the observations I made on both Summer and Tom, which I hope can suffice. I understand how the audience tends to take sides with the victimized in movies, without trying to look from other perspectives, like feeling sorry for Tom, and hating on Summer, making it all her fault. I did too, but that's the point, you just have to see it one more time. One. More. Time. And discover more.

*Just for your information, I found a Facebook page just now titled "I hate you Summer Finn (500 days of summer)" - For those who really hate that cold hard bitch, I can't believe what she did to Tom - er, to those, I take it you're not happy reading about her in this post..., so, sorry!*

Memorable scenes in the movie? Well, the scene where Tom draws on Summer's hand is one of them.

The scene in the elevator...the beginning of everything. "The Smiths? I love the Smiths. You have great taste in music. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die... I love 'em."

Let's see. There are a lot of memorable scenes from the movie. There's the 'penis' scene, the 'do you like me?' scene, the scene where Summer explains her feelings in the end, and a whole lot more.

Once again, I really love this movie, I don't get how some people can hate it. The screenplay, the characters, the supporting characters especially Tom's two best friends, the performances, the editing, the music, love it all. I can actually say that this is a typical me movie. And now...Summer Finn.

I think Summer Finn totally passes as one of the memorable female characters in contemporary film. Give it thirty-forty years and the future generation might see her as how we see Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's today -well, might, I don't know if other people see her the way I do, might. I, personally, adore how she dresses in the movie and how she does her hair. I recently tried to get a Summer-haircut, yeah that sort of 60s haircut Tom mentioned, and it worked on the first day, but it didn't last long since I was forced to tie my hair up most of the time due to the heat of the weather here. Anyway, here's Summer Finn...(as if you didn't know already)

Okay, that's all from (500) Days of Summer! (All images were googled) :D