dreams and limitations~

I'm 21 and I'm still struggling inside. I like to observe people a lot. I like to think of how my friends are doing, how they're living their life now. Are they closer to their goals..., their dreams? And then I look at myself and realize that I am still so very far away from my own. What am I doing now? What have I done to earn myself experience in the field that I wish to occupy one day? What is the state that I'm in now?

Orang lain dihadirkan Tuhan juga sebagai tolak ukur untuk menilai diri kita sendiri, sejauh mana kita udah berbuat, atau mencapai sesuatu. Di umur segini, banyak banget temen-temen saya yang udah jauh lebih sukses daripada saya. Baik dalam hal studi, pengalaman, kerja, etc etc. Kemudian saya tertawa melihat diri saya masih gini-gini aja. Where have I gone to? Who have I been? I know I'm better than this. So what happened? Where did all those years go? Ke mana perginya tahun-tahun di mana saya seharusnya bisa menunjukkan kapasitas saya yang maksimum sebagai manusia yang diberikan bakat oleh Tuhan.

I think -no, I believe I was wrong when I said growing up means leaving your imaginations behind. Who says I can't grow up with it? Did I ever tell you why I cried watching Pan's Labyrinth when the little girl...um, okay so I won't spoil anything, you should just go see the movie yourself if you haven't. I grasped a whole new meaning when I saw the movie a second time and cried a lot more then. The loss of innocence that comes with growing up... The realization of a horrible world, horrible people... When you grow up your mind becomes polluted with all worldly things all void of purity and innocence and you become one of those horrible people... That when you die a child you are saved from the clutches of the evil world and its horrible people, you are safe... That I actually envy those children... And of course because of my faith I believe that the innocence of children sends them straight to heaven without being trialed for any wrong on earth... Meanwhile, us grownups... I can't imagine all the wrongdoings I've done.
Well anyways. Straying away from the point here.

What I do know is that my imagination won't help me unless I produce something out of it, create something of value. That's what I have to do. I have to stop dwelling in pointless fantasy and actually do something. I have to focus on making my dreams come true. They are not at all impossible or too high to reach, I realized after a while. They're really very simple dreams. And all are born of imagination (I'm not saying I have great imagination, just saying I like to imagine a lot hehe) :D

I want to make movies. Short movies. Documentaries. All sorts of movies. I like to write as well, so I think I can write my own screenplays too. Problem is I'm not a smooth communicator nor am I a good leader. I dunno if I can direct a movie or not. But actually...I thought it would be a problem too when I started debating in high school. Turned out I didn't do bad at all, if I did my teachers would probably have stopped my participation in the debates, lol. I think I'm just not pushing myself enough. That's a fact I can be satisfied with at the moment right? :) Trying to encourage myself here.

I want to design buildings. Not necessary buildings- I'm happy if fate reveals that I will simply be designing architecturally-acceptable dwellings for people (and if I can aim a bit higher, like the Falling Water designed by Frank L. Wright). But then...sometimes I forget to think logically. In my head everything works well but when I explain things people always seem able to find a logical flaw in it...lol... Okay so perhaps to solve this I just have to do more research and learn a little bit more of structure and physics and that stuff and even more important, discuss my design with people frequently. Of course. Discuss more.

I want to write books. Like I said I like to write, and I have tons of stories in my head it's hard to choose one and focus on it before I go on to the second story. The fact that I am easily doomed into boredom kind of prevents me from working on a story from beginning 'til end and I really need help with that. How to focus. Consistency. Perseverance. :/

So far I have discovered that those three are the biggest dreams I have now. Of course there are other more personal dreams but...that's between me and God hehe.
It just sucks that some people laugh at these dreams. Imagination. Many call it naive. Well some are naive but some are not. As to the thin line that separates one from the other I myself do not know. I guess we'll all found out later, after we've tried. I know I've been naive myself for some time. But it's also been a while since I got out (I think. Hopefully. I don't know).
What I must do now...is take one step forward and never stop walking ahead.
But the first step is always the hardest.
So how do I take that first step that will be the cornerstone that sets the course of my future and changes my life forever.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

a revelation that will hopefully last an eternity

Ladies and gentleman.

I've been so stupid and selfish. I say this with great regret in my heart.

What have I been thinking?

How did I suddenly begin to adopt some kind of completely Western mindset? Individual before society.

So about that last post. So now I'm thinking I've been really stupid.
It's not supposed to be about me. It's about...a whole unit. It's about God, my family, the society, the whole thing. In Islam, marriage is sacred and is done under oath and witnessed by God and established for the goal of building a family that can make itself worthy to serve God and the society. In Islam, according to Rasulullah it is sunnah, hence strongly recommended to gain God's blessings. Why did I overlook this?
Some nights ago in the mosque this ustadz who was giving a sermon reminded me that marriage is sunnah and if we avoid it when we are physically and mentally fulfilled to do it, it is considered ignorance to one's religion and the teachings of the Rasul, and ultimately, God.

And then I read this book of quotes from Muhammad Hatta, the first vice president of Indonesia, and boy, did his words shake me. :/ How I idolize Muhammad Hatta now more then ever. I think he's actually a real life character that I could truly, deeply, admire. And this is not entirely because of the fact that he was born in Bukittinggi, where my grandparents from my mom's side are from (that makes me Minangese by blood), but the fact that when you read his quotes and speeches you get a sense of his...sensibility, intelligence, humility, broad knowledge, how strong he upholds his principals, that he is open-minded and has strong roots that won't let anything shake him. He is, after all, Bapak Koperasi Indonesia.

So anyway, he talked about how we of the Asian culture uphold the society above individual, in which the latter is the option more valued by the Western people, and how we should maintain that. And then, Hatta relates that to our religion, Islam, where society is above all as well. It's true. If we live in a neighborhood and our neighbors are starving while we eat plentiful, our family will be void of all God's blessings. And the teachings such as sharing our riches and goods with the poor and the aiding the orphans prove it more so.

I'm just saying that...I've been thinking too much of myself and my own misery...

Here's what is true, though.
Although I've changed my mind and decided that I do want to get married one day, because it's sunnah and I seek for God's blessings, I know right now I'm still not ready.
If, though, I never get married one day, I know now it won't be because I don't want to, but because...I'll never be ready. I don't know.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to grow up. I noticed only yesterday how truly hopeless I am in my parents eyes. How they look at us like we're still kids. Especially my mom, lol. Maybe that's why when my aunt joked about how now I'm in my last year in university (hopefully, amen) and that it's nearing the "time" and how I still haven't found the "candidate"..., my mom just smiled and was like, "meh" and added that I'm not fashionable or didn't like to look pretty or something like that so how can I get a guy to like me. True, maybe. Except that I'm not looking for a dude who will like me because of my physical appearance.

All that made me realize even more...how utterly sick I am...how I'm scared of no one but myself, that I'll never be able to change me, to make me grow up. I have these dreams...and they made me realize that...I've been dreaming too high.

"Don't see you showing any effort. People who want success are usually hardworking, diligent, perseverant. You...?" (My mom about my dreams) Well she didn't exactly say it that way, but more or less it went something like that. And my dad added another fact that sounded roughly the same. And then I told my brother, "See that? See that?" I meant to show how our mother likes to do that, demotivate us by reminding us...those things that demotivate you all over again. It's not their fault. They were just being realistic. I know it's true. My brother reminded me it's reverse psychology, that it's supposed to motivate me.

People wonder why I don't tell them stuff or whatever's going on inside my head and instead let it all out by writing in my blog or whatever. Well, it's because I know that there's no use in telling them these stuff. They will never ever ever ever understand. They won't, ever. After I'm done, they'll just dismiss it. Like most people do. Most people are just curious and afterwards they forget. And it's not their fault either. It's just life. But of course not all people are like that. Some actually understand. Those are the people who I'm able to trust. Trust...isn't that the hardest thing to give to someone? Again, I'm not blaming anyone. You can't force someone to care when you don't mean a thing to them.
But maybe I do that too sometimes. I can't understand people as well. Except that when someone tells me a story about their life I get all hooked and be all sensitive and cherish the intimate moment of friendship until I realize later that I was being too sensitive. The next day that other person just pretends it never happened. More often than not, that person doesn't reciprocate the sense of intimacy and trust you begin to feel for them. Good thing that you realize it sooner too. But it's started to make my approach on people somewhat cooler. More casual. Colder? I don't know. I'm just selfish I guess.

So anyway I only wanted to talk about marriage but I end up talking about more completely unrelated personal stuff. And I want the world to know that I don't blame anyone, not my family, not my friends, not God, I blame me. I am such an ultra pathetic mega loser. Can't even make a character based on me in my stories because she'd just be a total loser and everyone would hate her.

Anyways, please don't take this too seriously. I think it's just PMS. My state of bipolarity at this time of month is just undefeatable. Lalala~

the roams and minding of life and love- okay let's just get this straight: this is another selfish post about me

Every time I see a young couple with cute little kids I'm like "Aw, I want to get married and have kids!" :/ But let's face it. I'm not ready. Not in this state, nope, nu uh. And I'm not even showing any strong effort to change myself. It's not like I don't try, it's just, many times after attempting it I just keep going back to the usual me. It's like, I'm good for a second, and then I get bored or something and I revert to the old me. So, I just stay here, stagnant, the only positive note being I at least have a plan to change. Obviously that won't be enough. Sigh.

I'm 21 and helpless and will probably never grow up because of this stupid Peter Pan complex. It's not stupid, really, most of the times it's really fun detaching yourself from reality. But have you seen my posts? Yeah I guess from all that mumbo jumbo you can see what kind of a real mess I am. Nothing is truly substantial, all of them are just self-indulgent and full of me expressing my love of all those kinds of fantasies and hobbies and--sigh. I really have to grow up don't I? Start writing something substantial, something inspiring. Blah. That'll be the day.

See why I think I won't ever get married? And yet, I want to. But I know, I have to better myself in order for me to find the supposed "one". I was listening to this Islamic spiritual teacher talk (I think it was on television) and he said, there's no use asking God to send you "the one" when you're in a state where you're not fit for it yet. The first thing you have to do, is improve yourself, improve your living, your state-of-mind, your mentality.

I've been blinded all this time by the visions of perfect lovers such as Darcy, Peeta (lol I'm ridiculous) and so on and so on that I keep dreaming these impossible dreams instead of taking a look at myself and assess me. Am I fit enough? Do I deserve to be sent "the one"? I know that I'm still quite emotionally unstable though, and that I easily get bored in most situations. I can't imagine myself living a life of commitment with one person for the rest of my life...at least not yet.

Here's the thing that scares me. There's this other half. The one that thinks...I don't want to get married after all. It's funny, because all my life I've been thinking that it's ridiculous that people don't want to get married, that the idea that a person would choose to live alone for the rest of their lives is absurd. But now, I think I get it. I mean, not in a way that I can put myself in their shoes, but in a way that..., for a possible cropped up scenario for me, I get it. I realized something about me that honestly frightens me. What if I, deep inside, don't ever wanna change? Meaning, to grow up and manage my life like a wise grownup should? I know that right now, I don't want to live in a world where people tell me what to do, where I have to abide by a rule, where I have to live this commitment... I sound like a complete mess.

I just don't think, right now at least, I can possibly live up to that harmonious, settled life of marriage. I picture these things that could possibly happen to me if I ever get married in the near future and I realize...I don't want to iron my husband's clothes and fold them neatly in his suitcase whenever he has business out of town. I want to be able to clean the house anytime I want, not following a schedule like every morning after I wake up and before I go to sleep or something. But when I'm somebody's wife I'm supposed to do all that. And when we have babies, the rest of my life will have to be dedicated for my husband and my babies that I'll have to lose that part of me constantly dwelling in fantasy... I'm despicable aren't I? Selfish?

I know I'm entirely self-indulgent and it's kind of horrible that I am. I just want to do what I want when I want to do it. That's me right now. And that's what I'm scared of. What if I won't ever be able to change? :/

At the same time I realize, that's his role. I mean, not for all of it, but at least, his role as the trigger. I need him to be there to change me. If he doesn't show up, how I can I ever find motivation to change myself...? But according to that spiritual teacher, I have to fix myself first and he will come along the way. So...that leaves us...where?

I think about him a lot, you know, the designated "one". I even tried singing an unwritten song about him once, lol. I don't know who he is but I like to imagine what he's doing at times. When I wake up in the morning, I wonder if he's still asleep or has he been awake since dawn. 'Cause I wonder if he's just as much of a mess like I am. I wonder if he's trying to fix himself, to make himself a better person, so God would send me to him. Then again I'm supposed to know how he is, because he can't possibly be that much different from me, can he? We don't have to be the same person, but I guess we could complete each others' flaws. I don't know. God says every good girl is destined for a good boy, so yeah I obviously have to make myself qualified for it. Aw man, I'm really confused. :/

What I know is that I need someone who...honestly, has power over me. I mean, in a positive, non-compulsive kind of way. Someone whose character and presence is so strong he can influence me and bend my thoughts somehow and make me willingly follow him. And yet someone who at the same time can appreciate my thoughts and respect my views and jokes with me and gives me space. Someone patient who can guide me, who can answer these questions that keep spontaneously popping up in my head at random times. I overthink a lot. About life, about my actions, about my religion. I need someone whose answers can satisfy me. I need someone wise to lead me. But I can't imagine myself waking up early in the morning and cleaning the house and preparing breakfast for him and then afterwards prepare his clothes for work... Omg..., I can't imagine me doing that. Even if he were rich and we had housemaids, I still can't imagine me abiding by an actual rule. I said I can't imagine, doesn't mean I'll never do it. Hmmm. But then again...maybe he could change me for me. Maybe I wouldn't mind doing all that, being the obedient wife, if it were for him. Maybe if I found the right person.

Sometimes I come across other people's blogs more or less my age and their blogs are full of these...substantial, inspiring stuff, things that really matter. Things about people, about ideas, about the world. And here I am, willing to do nothing more than to separate myself from reality. If I could choose to live in a fantasy world I would. I'd jump straight into the rabbit hole! I'd live in a castle in the sky. I guess that's another problem. If I actually find him one day, the designated "one" for me, I finally have to accept that I have to let go of my fantasy that I'm aware will never come true, my self-indulgence, and stick to reality for a definite infinity. I have to accept the fact that I have to grow up...

That's the hard part, growing up.

I'm a Muslim, so I have to take my religion's teaching into perspective.
In Islam, marriage is a sacred thing, it is the only way a relationship between a man and a woman is acceptable. There's supposed to be no dating or anything.When I think about it again, I'm thankful because I've been single all my life. There was a time when I really wanted to know what it felt like to be dating someone, to be in a relationship (maybe I still do sometimes). But now, I just think God is keeping me away from the harms an unofficial relationship can bring to you. Can't guarantee what'll happen to me in the future though...

One of the factors are maybe because I think people are kinda scared of me. I mean, not in a way that they fear they're going to get hurt when they're near me, but in a way that, I'm weird... They think I can't see but I can see clearly that they feel uncomfortable talking to me. I'm socially awkward, yes, I know that, and it's hard for me to have these smooth conversations with people unless it's about something we both really love or know much about. I'm not good at making small talks. I'm awful at that. I'm the worst player ever in the game of pretend some of my friends put up and maybe that's why I've only had a few close friends. I don't like being in a crowd, it just confuses me. I tend to listen rather than talk when we're in a crowd, but when it's just me and a friend I think I can also talk a lot. Well, about something that I can talk about. So I think I need someone who's not scared of me because I'm weird or awkward. Maybe that's when I know he's "the one".

Whatever.

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

I first heard this song in one of the episodes from One Tree Hill season 1 and I loved...I loved...I loved it. I fall in love with this song every single time. One of my all time favorites. Just wanted the world to know that lol.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear 

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up better
I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so 

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything, I've held so dear 

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up better
I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so 

Heaven bent to take my hand
I have nowhere left to turn
I've lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step, you'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed 

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up better
I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so, no
I've messed up better
I should know
But don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so

THE HUNGER GAMES!

I LOVE THE HUNGER GAMES!!!
I've never felt this way about any book since Harry Potter. It reminds me of the last days I went through after reading Harry Potter and the Deahtly Hallows: it haunted and haunted and haunted me, even in my sleep! I know people don't have the same reactions even though they like it, and some even shrug it off easily but, when I fall in love with a book, I am completely, completely, immersed in it I can barely pull myself out again... And it's been like that with The Hunger Games, the same as it's been with Harry Potter.
Oh my God. I can't believe all the things Suzanne Collins made me go through. And now I'm just gonna have to go with it for the rest of my life.

I saw the movie before I got my hands on the books, but I'd known about The Hunger Games for a while and I'd wanted to read it before the movie came out, only at that time I had a sort of reading list to complete so I decided to see the movie first to see if it was good. I knew the premise, knew the basic plot about The Hunger Games and all, but of course I didn't know how it was gonna end and the twists and stuff. And the movie gave me a show of something really promising that I could find in the book, so in a way, the movie kind of confirmed my suspicions of awesomeness. :D

I was basically already drawn to the idea of dystopian future the book offered before I saw the movie that I just had to, HAD TO, go see the movie, that I went to the theaters by myself when none of my friends could go with me. I didn't care, I just had to see it!

As soon as the credits rolled I found myself already plunged into a world where I'm still unable to pull myself out. And here I am now, having read all books, painfully loving it.

(I know some people keep comparing this with Battle Royale, and I've seen the movie although I haven't read the book, and yes, it is the dream dystopian movie I really, really loved BR you guys. But having read through The Hunger Games trilogy, the two are really different things. I hate how people who haven't read through the HG trilogy keep hating on it and saying it was just a complete rip-off of BR. So no, I won't be comparing it with BR--)

So here, besides why I love The Hunger Games, I also write down my thoughts and reactions towards comments I've seen on many Hunger Games websites about the books and the characters. It's pretty lengthy and boring, it's just I'm pretty self-indulgent I basically just want to let it all out to make me feel better, lol. :)

*SPOILER ALERT* The post sorta takes form as a discussion / essay so I practically dropped spoiler bombs everywhere, so if you haven't read the books don't read this, don't even surf through it if you don't wanna catch glimpses of it!

#1 THE HUNGER GAMES

The book was WAY MORE AWESOME than the movie. The movie gave me a lot, but after I read the book I was like...holy bananas it just blew me away. The book is deep and full of emotions, the characters are well written and developed and you easily get hold of them and find yourself wishing for their survival. I was just instantly drawn to Katniss' and Peeta's characters and their story.

There's so much story here: a story of survival, a story of a terrible future that awaits mankind if we let it slip through our fingers. I mean look at us humans right now, we aren't far different from that future we see in the story. And then of course there's the story of love, except I think it can hardly pass as a love story because of Katniss' perspective on it (she plans on never getting married) and how she deals with it.

The idea that each district has to present a boy and a girl tribute for an annual game called The Hunger Games where they have to fight to the death until one victor remains is just...terrifying and tragic. Of course we love the entertainment in it (in the book), just look at the games we play today, what we see in televisions and movies today. I actually don't have to go any further and just say...look at The Hunger Games trilogy. We love it. The plot antagonizes the annual Hunger Games and the vicious Capitol, but (in real life) we fantasize about playing in it anyway, what weapons we'd use, the strategy we'd take on, and stuff and stuff.

The point is, we only love it because it's not real. It's fantasy. Dwelling in fantasy is beautiful, because we know it's not real. But in The Hunger Games, it's happening. At least for the people of Panem, and especially for Katniss, and you feel so pulled into it and you feel its rawness and the reality of it through Katniss' voice. We imagine the Capitol citizens watching the annual games and actually seeing it as entertainment when they're actual people...children, even. And you realize it's horrible, but you love it, because the main character is trying to fight it; trying to defy the Capitol (even though she doesn't realize it yet because her goal is just to survive and keep her family alive).

As Suzanne Collins wrote this in Katniss's point of view, I can really feel her voice there, the voice of Katniss. Unlike in some other books I've read, the narration in her head synchronizes with the reactions she gives, the words she delivers, and the whole thing seems to fit and she has that strong, whole personality that's able to move the plot. Now that's what I call a powerful agent, a vessel. I thought Jennifer Lawrence was perfect in delivering Katniss' character. Only sometimes, the scenes she's in in the movies aren't as emotional as the ones in the books (especially ones involving Peeta) probably because in the book she narrates to us the whole thing

This book delivers a LOT. The power of media, the power of the audience's voice, the power of manipulation through the media, the power people have over the government, the power the government has to manipulate the people so they'd follow them, the tragic of seeing children and teenagers kill each other forced by the government. That star-crossed lovers act to attract the audience, to give the audience a story that they want, it's just brilliant and resonates, in terms of mirroring it with our actual daily lives. There's just so much here.

One of the most tragic things about it is how it depicts tragic loss of innocence, tied with the lost of innocent lives in the games. It was just horrible, reading that part where that tribute from District 1 (who is practically a child in the long shot of life) thrusts the spear into Rue's stomach, killing her. I felt the rawness of it reading the book and cried a lot more reading it than watching the movie. The idea that something like that could ever happen with people watching it as entertainment is just tragic. Sorry for my lack of diction variety.

And then there's the strength hidden in that act Katniss pulled with the berries. Obviously we know that she never intended that act to ignite the sparks for a new rebellion, and I find myself again and again entranced and preoccupied of Collins' brilliance in it, of how she steers the story with all that lying beneath it. Later on it is revealed that for a time the district citizens have already begun to be restless and that Katniss is actually the instigator of something much more big that will follow in the second book. It's amazing how an act that small can mean a lot to people when they feel desperate and defeated against the Capitol...

The twist for me, was unpredictable. I didn't predict at all that there would be two winners. Okay so maybe I spoiled everything already by seeing the movie first but if anything, the book enriched the experience even more. I still felt like I was experiencing it all new all over again, even though I already knew the twists from the movie. Overall, it was just awesome and unpredictable.

Katniss and Peeta

I love Katniss. I love how strong she is, how she's able to be the main supporter of her family at just eleven years old, how she took hold of the awful situation that entrapped her when she was young, how she never overlooks the little things in life. Her cleverness, her sarcastic humor. How she's a loving and caring sister, a strong daughter, how she's genuinely kind and gentle (pinpointing her moments with Prim and Rue especially), how she's just...able to hold herself together and hold on to something to fight for (her promise to Prim). I think I had a big sister crush on her on the first book. In a way, I love that she's also confused and frustrating at times because it just proves she's human and capable of wrong. Sometimes she's annoying, but it's terrific because turns out I just can't stand being annoyed by her too long. That's how I love Katniss.

About that part where people accuse her of being manipulative and selfish, well, for me that's just not true. I try to picture myself in her situation in the first Hunger Games, I would've done the same thing: I would've done anything it took, anything, to keep me and my partner alive. And that part about being selfish...could you really call Katniss selfish after she stepped in to take her sister's place in the games? After she allied with Rue and buried her in flowers when she died? After she took all that trouble of getting Peeta his medicine at the feast in the Cornucopia? No, if anything, I think Katniss is selfless. That's what caused all the trouble in her head, all the confusion, all the anger. She cares about what happens to other people, what other people might think, the effect of her actions.

Really, I think if she were selfish she wouldn't give a damn about anything and just leave Peeta to die. Okay, so what if one of the reasons that drove her is the thought that people back in District 12 would hate her for abandoning him (Katniss herself is unable to make out the definite reasons for her actions but she clearly says she doesn't want to lose the boy with the bread) but she still knew the danger and risks if she went to get that medicine to save Peeta, but she went anyway. She maybe not entirely selfless that she could pass for a saint, but at least definitely not selfish (at least not in the first book, that's for sure).

And then there's Peeta. Oh, Peeta. I have to be honest at first I wanted Katniss to be with Gale. I'm a girl, so, at the start of the book this already crossed my mind, yes. Katniss doesn't realize this at first but I think she'd want to be with Gale too...if the Hunger Games didn't happen. Unfortunately for her, it did, and she had to go and be with Peeta throughout the entire games... And then I fell in love with Peeta. Oh, Peeta. The boy with the bread.

Meanwhile, with Gale... I love Gale because he's...well, as Katniss describes later, male. He hunts, he's strong, protective, caring, kind, good-looking too, the dream big brother. At the end of the book though, I just had to completely helplessly fall for Peeta. The book made me--Katniss made me. I couldn't help it. And I continue to fall for him throughout the entire trilogy. I think he was the character I ever truly, madly, deeply vouched for.

Peeta is...well, in a quality point of view, he's in the same league with Gale. Only perhaps, yeah, yeah, he's the baker's boy, and Gale's a hunter, but who cares? Peeta's what Katniss needs.

What made me fall for Peeta is...his unconditional love for Katniss, the attitude he takes on regarding his feelings that have been there for her since forever, and of course, his easy humor, his good-nature, and he's just so...you know--he's the type who makes you (me) want to immediately rush into his arms after a troubling day. I just knew he's right for Katniss, he's the perfect one who should balance her...let's say, hostility.

I mean look at Prim, look at how she is, and what a big role she has in being the source of comfort and joy and strength for Katniss. I can't help viewing Peeta the same way. Especially after what happens in book three. Katniss. Needs. Peeta. But according to Katniss it really doesn't matter anyway because she never wants to get married and have kids due to the existence of the Hunger Games.

Star-crossed lovers...

I love everything about the book, most especially the concept of giving the audience a show that they want to survive, the star-crossed lovers act. Holy bananas, it totally made me fall for Peeta...he's just the perfect lover omg. Katniss is just too distracted to plunge deeper into her own consciousness and notice. It's that guard she puts on, that guard against the possibility of a greater feeling, maybe even love, and it's blocked anything that might open up a chance with Peeta or Gale.

Honestly I think Katniss has already had a little something for Peeta since the beginning, since that incident with the bread, the first dandelion in the spring, but she doesn't know it. Yeah, she feels she owes him, but it's actually just more than that, I think. Maybe even something slightly powerful than curiosity. What Peeta did to her to save her life and her family's when they were strangers, it's affected her deeply and will continue to affect her for the rest of her life, and she knows that. All this happens before she meets Gale. And after knowing that Peeta is and has been actually irrevocably in love with her, it can't help but affect her more. Collins already hinted at how valuable Peeta's presence in Katniss' life is, with that metaphor with the dandelion after the winter... But at least, in that cave, Katniss admits to herself she has feelings for Peeta she can't explain... And again, on the train ride home. Satisfying enough for me. :)

I know I said this doesn't pass as a love story but it doesn't mean we can't discuss it, hehe. :3

But here's the thing. Katniss questions her feelings for Gale and their relationship in the possible future because she's been with him longer, their strong friendship, all the hardship they went through together, all those years they've watched each others' backs and helped one another keep their families alive. Meanwhile, Katniss only just started talking with Peeta, with that little incident with the bread in mind. Even back then, when she met Gale, she said herself she was able to smile to him only after months of hunting together and after knowing she could trust him. So with Katniss, it's something of a moments-you-spend-together thing, it's...time.

Time is the remarkable thing that differentiates Katniss' status with Gale and Peeta. Time made her have feelings for Gale, time as well will make her question her feelings for Peeta. That's not until later, I guess. But even now Peeta already shows a huge dedication of unconditional love for her... It might seem impossible that someone can act so selfless for a person who doesn't even treat him lovingly, but it's possible for Peeta.

What confuses me, is the part where in the end, on the ride home, Peeta is angry at Katniss because he finds out all the romance was something Haymitch kind of worked out with her, that she was only pulling it off for the audience so they could survive. Um, well...I thought he knew that? Well okay, he completely drowned in it because he felt the thing for real, but was he angry for allowing himself a moment for thinking it was real on Katniss' part, or was he angry because he wasn't told any of it? I love Peeta and this sorta hurt me too, but of course I knew it was an act. Did I miss something? I did see the movie first and in the movie this wasn't included (in the movie it was as if Peeta knew all along and he just played with it).

But, okay, I think I already know the answer anyway.

Anyway it was just marvelous for me, The Hunger Games. :)

#2 CATCHING FIRE

This is where things begin to heat up... Where it's not just about the Hunger Games anymore. The Capitol starts to show much of its crueler side to Katniss that rattles her. The moment where she finds she has endangered her family and friends by that act with the berries. This is where...I think, Katniss starts to break down a little. A little.

And then there's that confusing thing with Peeta and Gale now that she's back home.

This is where she falls apart the moment she finds out that she has to go back to the arena. Wasn't it shocking?! Because I completely didn't expect that. And this time she resolves in keeping Peeta alive, and is determined to die for him. Despite all the shock and hurt, Katniss manages to keep herself together, for the sake of her family, and Peeta, although resulting in a slightly, slightly, more hostile, pitiless, distrustful Katniss. Some parts of her that I love from the first book start to give away. Thanks to all the pressure and terror and threats President Snow gives her. But she's still my hero.

Katniss and Peeta

First of all, why is everyone saying "Peeta was there for Katniss even if she didn't love him"? I don't think she didn't love him...I think she's just confused. Well, she didn't love him romantically, that's obvious, but she cares about him and Gale equally--okay maybe at first not as much as she cares about Gale, but here's what I think. Going back to the point I mentioned earlier, I think it's that resolve she has against ever getting married, that guard she puts on against her feelings that won't allow any deeper feelings to emerge, or at least to acknowledge them. Her basic instinct is to protect, remember? So the moment when Gale gets hurt badly by that new head peacekeeper, Katniss realizes how much she loves him and chooses him. Also, it's because the thing with Peeta is the Capitol's design and such.

And again, it's the thing with time. Katniss is not the typical romantic. I think her feelings are built along with trust and reliability. She loves Gale because all that time she's spent with him. She will love Peeta after all the time she'll spend with him. So, it's not true if they say Katniss didn't love him.

Okay so I guess it's kinda obvious I'm fighting real hard for Peeta's cause right now, lol. I said this isn't a love story but I end up giving lengthy explanations of what I think is going on between them, hehe, but hey, it's discuss-able because it's not a love story...because it makes the whole thing complex and prone to be discussed anyway, right? :3

So as Katniss leaves her home again, this time with a resolution to keep Peeta alive, she knows she's never going to see Gale again, despite knowing that her heart has chosen him (because again I have to say that she feels the emotional bond between her and Gale is real, honest, and stronger, after all those years together--compared to the one she shares with Peeta, that is confusing and rushed and shaped by the Capitol's design). She realizes now she has nothing to lose...except maybe Peeta.

Sometimes it's annoying for me as well, how it seems like it's kinda selfish for her, taking advantage of Peeta's love for her, how she wants Peeta's arms around her to comfort her at night. But then I try to picture myself in her position, having absolutely nothing to lose, having resolved to die for him, and I'd do the same...I'd relent and give myself to any source of comfort available, thinking I'd hurt no one by doing so. And there's still that confusion about her feelings for Peeta, despite having previously chosen Gale. So really, I just think it's not fair for us to call her selfish, Katniss not being a romantic and all.

This is where I fall for Peeta again. Yeah. The beginning of the book doesn't show much of Peeta, but after they get back on the train back to the Capitol, I start being helplessly in love with him again. Funny thing is I can never picture Peeta with that curly blond hair. When I think of Peeta I always see Josh Hutcherson's Peeta. He's absolutely perfect as Peeta. Ah gosh, I just love Josh as Peeta! Yeah I just practically repeated the same thing again and again. But isn't Peeta just...amazing?? Okay, some of you don't think so. Maybe he's too much of a saint it's stupid. But, actually I don't think he's perfect, that's why I love him. Maybe he's too quick to give it all away for Katniss, maybe the unconditional love thing is...too unconditional, but that's also why I love him as well. Peeta is the type you (Katniss) would want to protect and be in their arms forever...because Peeta is just comforting, strong, compassionate, bighearted, omg. You just want to hug him.

But this is also where I start believing that Katniss is, definitely, in love with Peeta, even though she's still not sure in what way.

This time, there is nothing but us to interrupt us. And after a few attempts, Peeta gives up on talking. The sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body, out along my arms and legs, to the tips of my being. Instead of satisfying me, the kisses have the opposite effect, of making my need greater. I thought I was something of an expert on hunger, but this is an entirely new kind.

It's the thing with time again, all the things she did for him, all the things he did for her. She can't define the feelings that are starting to grow for him, and later in the third book, she'll realize just how much, when all the time Gale's there for her to comfort her, but all she can think of is Peeta, and she is drowned in the misery of losing him. We'll get to that later, hehe.

New characters

So anyway, the new characters. Here is where we all start to like Finnick Odair. Ah, yes, he's an Adonis and quite a sex symbol in Panem, but it's only after we get to know him that we love him. After we find out that he's not the seductive, narcissistic, sexy type after all (I didn't suspect his true character at all, it was really a sweet surprise. I kind of see him as a hero afterwards). After we find out that he's strong and brave and kind. And gentle, and friendly, and caring... Hmmm. I find that it shakes me a bit that he's too...too good to be true, but I guess it doesn't hurt (at least not until the third book...).

There's Plutarch Heavensbee. I knew he was gonna be the one to help the victors break out. First of all, it's how he hints to Katniss he volunteered as Head Gamemaker when nobody else wanted to (he did volunteer right? Or was that just an impression I got?) And then there's the thing with the Mockingjay symbol showing momentarily on his clock. When Katniss meets Bonnie and Twill at that house near the lake and they show her the Mockingjay on the cracker, I was immediately reminded of Plutarch and was then sure that Plutarch is one of the rebels in disguise.

And then there's Johanna Mason, who you can't help but love as well, despite her attitude... When she gets picked up by the Capitol I was like "Oh no not her, I hope she doesn't die!"

And it's really sad, you know, having those victors all dead, when in the end the surviving victors break out... Chaff and Seeder dead, Mags dead, the morphlings from 8 dead, Wiress dead... Some of them we don't even get to know well, but it's still sad, knowing that they're all victors, at some point one of the strongest people alive, all worshiped by the Capitol the years of their victory, but now they're just all dead. Mags' death was one of the saddest for me, especially after knowing that she volunteered for Annie who happens to be Finnick's lover, and that she turns out to be Finnick's mentor.

It was just tragic and I can't help but say awesome, how all these new characters appeared and helped contribute to the plot.

I know some people won't agree, but I think Catching Fire is the magnum opus of the trilogy.
I think it's the Quarter Quell factor, with all the victors in the arena once again, with the slight acts of rebellion beginning to surface--it's the kind of things that you know will lead to something BIG and that you really can't wait for it.
The appearance of all these new characters, and the new arena...and the twists. The rebellion! I guess you can see from the beginning that they're going to escape the arena, that they'll finally rebel against the Capitol (because obviously it's not going to happen the same as last time). I especially love that part where they hold hands on Flickerman's show.

It wasn't even nearly halfway through the book when I started hyperventilating and gasping and exclaiming "Oh my God! Oh my God!" and then getting goosebumps again and again. Of course, the ending of the book was a cliff hanger...(thank God I had the third book readily by my side) and the story that builds towards it was just adrenaline rushing...I had to remind myself to breathe many times, reread the last chapters again and again to make sure I didn't miss anything. But I think the biggest twist for me was...Peeta being picked up by the Capitol...and "There's no more District 12."

It was uhmazing for me.

#3 MOCKINGJAY

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT COLLINS KILLED OFF FINNICK?? WITH A BUNCH OF MUTTS!? MUTTS!
FINNICK!!! X"""O

I can't help but write this as my first reaction towards the third book. Finnick's death killed me. I. Cried. A river.
I don't know Collins' reason for killing him off. Is it just for the sake of tragedy, painful tragedy that's meant to twist our emotions and stab and stab and rip us apart!? Because I don't know what effect it has on the story besides that. It's such a wasteful death, and I'm not saying this only because he became one of my favorite characters, I'm saying this because the matter of his death is as if he's unimportant to the story. It's like Collins dismisses him just like that--I mean, even if he has to die, why not a more honorable and valiant death for the brave, kindhearted, strong Finnick?! After all he's been through? After he and Annie just recently got back together?? And why doesn't Collins have the characters mourn for him more? After all he's done for Katniss and Peeta? Sigh...

The most heartbreaking part was when Katniss sees a glimpse of him being attacked by the mutts to the death and sees bits of his life flash before her eyes as if she were Finnick. I totally had to reread that several times to make sure he did...absolutely...die. Sigh. Finnick. Finnick Finnick Finnick. Strong, brave, kindhearted Finnick. Killed by horrible mutts. The memory of him being torn by the mutts just kills me.

And then...PRIM!!! OMG.
This one made me cry my eyes out. Somehow, I don't feel it was random at all, that Collins chose to kill her. When you look back, you wonder why you didn't see it coming: Katniss having some very grownup and intimate talks with her little sister in the beginning and the middle. Prim talking about being a doctor, and telling Katniss how Snow is using Peeta to break her down. Prim was so precious...and perfect it was almost impossible. She didn't deserve to die that way...no. It was heartbreaking...at least for me. But I guess, her death had to happen, to turn things into perspective, to steer Katniss towards what she finally had to do. But still it's so tragic.

I feel a different kind of pain for her death than the one I feel for Finnick. I cried for Finnick because I love him (who doesn't? He deserves a better end!), while with Prim...I cried because it tore me apart knowing how much Katniss loves her, and how much she loved Katniss. I picture Katniss' future without her...the dread of losing her little sister all those years finally happening.

That's why it had to be Peeta. Katniss lost her only source of joy and comfort that made her a fighter, and now there's no one else who can give it to her except Peeta.

Another heartbreaking scene is when Katniss finally pulls herself together in the end and, with Peeta, start to write a book of all the people she lost, ones who lost their lives for her, for the rebellion, ones victimized by the Capitol. Oh man, as if I wasn't crying enough. It is the moment where you know everyone is absolutely gone. It is where the book ends any possibility of Cinna having survived. Of course when Katniss tells us in the beginning that Plutarch's sources tell him Cinna got killed during interrogation, there is a hope in every one of us that the sources got it wrong and Cinna survives. But turns out, no... Omg, when Katniss gathers the details of the people who died to put in that book, I cried and I cried. I'm pathetic, I know.

The book gives us little time to mourn, with everything going on at a quick pace and all. It's not until the very end that we get to mourn for the characters, when Katniss and Peeta made that book together. Cinna's received the appropriate share of time, yes, with that sketchbook, with the uniform reminding Katniss of Cinna every moment, but it isn't until the end that you realize he's truly gone. And probably the most unfair part is Finnick's death. Give him some more credit for all the things he's done and been through, willya! (saying to nobody in particular)

Yeah okay when it happens, Peeta's in a state where he's struggling to stay his true self and fight the terrors the hijacking brought upon him, so okay he doesn't have the power to...mourn or take note of the situation of something because he doesn't wanna risk slacking on his efforts to hold on. Meanwhile, Katniss mourns for Finnick, yes, but it's not enough, and 'til the end it just doesn't seem enough and the whole thing isn't fair... Why, Collins?? You make us fall in love with a character and you kill him off just like that.

*takes deep breaths* So now that I've delivered the saddest parts of the book I was unable to contain earlier, I think I can deliver the other points now. (deliver the other points, it's like I'm in a debate or something -___-)

Katniss is farther away from the Katniss I loved in the first book. But even though, either in the first, second or third book, several times I'm on the point of...hating her, I always turn back and find that I can't. She's been through too much. It's not like I'm being nice and overlooking her flaws because she's been through a lot, but let go of all of that, all the torture and pressure she's endured, and it's really just that voice that she holds that I love. You know what I mean? The true Katniss whose life has never been affected by the Hunger Games.

From the plot, what's kind of disappointing from the third book is that everything is not as full of action and adrenaline-rushing as anticipated. The third book is kind of a setback, after all the intense build up in Catching Fire. It's kind of an anti-climax or something. Every time something substantial to the plot happens we don't get a share of it because the next thing you know Katniss wakes up in a hospital and it's all over. Everything is always over too quick... The defeat of the Capitol... The death of Coin and Snow... The return to Victor's Village...

Again, the book covers the power of the media, the force a face, a symbol, has for a cause. I don't know, I don't doubt this power, but somehow, I kind of think it's a bit ridiculous that they just had to have the cameras following them in the fields at all times. I mean, was the reality show more important than the war itself? Okay, at first, it was intended as a force to drive the districts to unite against the Capitol. The part where Finnick spills all the secrets of the important people of the Capitol and Snow's secrets himself was my favorite; it was heartbreaking to know Finnick's past, and it was definitely an important drive so that everyone would turn their backs against the Capitol.

After they've all united, I actually didn't see any point of continuing the shots. When they're all finally on the outskirts of the Capitol and camped, it's a bit ridiculous in my point of view that, on the verge of the biggest war, Coin actually still cares that the footage she receives are dull and unsatisfying. I mean, it's just silly, that the footage still matters when everyone is basically on guard and prepared to fight and that they'll have no time to watch the footage anyway. But, I don't know, maybe it's something to distract Katniss with. Coin didn't seem to want Katniss alive by the end anyway.

Katniss and Peeta

Katniss is miserable because Peeta is in the hands of the Capitol. She is sorrowful because District 12 has been destroyed by the Capitol. Meanwhile, she gets Gale back. And then we start seeing the darker side of Gale, you know, the one that's somewhat...hungry to kill, hungry for revenge. Despite their love for each other, they disagree on almost everything in the aspect of dealing with the war. Gale will never understand because he's never been in the games, unlike Katniss. Katniss knows the severity of the aftereffects of killing someone, and so does Peeta. So when she discovers that it was Gale's bombs that killed those children (and Prim) that day the Capitol fell, even though he had no idea, wasn't let it on the attack plans, it scars her for life. Especially because it took Prim's life. Katniss says herself she'll always be connecting Gale with the memory of losing Prim. Yes, he had no hand in it, but he was the initiator of the idea of the bomb type back at Special Weaponry. Remember, since the beginning Katniss had already thought it was a cruel concept, the bombs Gale made with Beetee, and it was all Gale's idea. So, with Prim killed by the bomb, that kind of ended all possibilities for a future for them together. In my opinion. It's sad, really. :(

And then Peeta. Well it's obvious since the beginning of the book that, with District 12 destroyed, and all her loved ones safe in 13, all Katniss thinks about is Peeta. And how she breaks down at that part she finally understands how Snow is using Peeta. I almost cried. It was quite funny though, how Plutarch later on describes how after Katniss broke down and was knocked off, Finnick lost it and got sedated as well, and that the crew made a decent shot of it. But it was really touching when we finally see Haymitch's sensitive side where he has that moment with Katniss seeking only his comfort. Because he loves Peeta, too, says Katniss. :"""(

And, oh man, I love that part where they finally rescued Peeta (we weren't let in on the action because they'd already left when Katniss woke up in the hospital, but I hope they show us shots of it in the movie). I love reading the part when Katniss is so unbelievably happy and can't wait to see Peeta's face and longs for his kisses and that it seems for a moment everything else is nonexistent. I was actually expecting an epic moment of happiness when I realized something was wrong and I had to reread again and again: Peeta chokes Katniss, what?! I can't help thinking how beautiful things would have turned out if Peeta hadn't been hijacked, if Katniss finally gets that epic moment of happiness with Peeta: would Katniss finally be able to acknowledge her feelings for him? But of course we don't get that, and instead we're all heartbroken finding Peeta's been hijacked. A twist if I ever read one!

Here's when I start trying to make out Katniss' feelings again. She is sad and angry because the outcome with Peeta being rescued turns out not as she beautifully expected. She doesn't want to fool herself with any hope that Peeta will ever be the same. I think having get to known Katniss since the first book, she's not exactly the cheery, optimistic, positive type. Always weary, ready to kill people off whenever chances were that endangered Peeta and her, not daring to let slip and think the slightest good of people, until she can finally deem the situation and the people trustworthy. She is hurt, she lets go of any hopeful prospect, and tries to distract herself and asks to be sent to District 2. Turns out with Peeta in that state she isn't able to get with Gale anyhow. I don't think it's only because she can't let go of Peeta, it's also because, well obviously, because of who Katniss is. I don't think she thought she had to choose between any, because first of all she never had a future in marriage planned for her, and second of all, her mind had been overridden by the prospect of killing Snow.

When Peeta and Gale actually have a talk about Katniss, it's kinda weird for me. I mean, in between all that's happened, all who died, and what they're about to face, it's unimaginable for me that the thought of whoever Katniss ends up with still crosses their mind. Especially with Peeta still not entirely sane. And it's also the way they talk about her. They're not fighting for her at all, like, the talk has a hint of something that makes it sound like Katniss is...above them, the desired strong one, or something like that, and that they'll take whatever call she makes. It's not a point where she can deny either, well, because it's true...that Katniss is not the romantic type and she'll pick whoever she can't survive without. Cold and calculating--at least, at the present the conversation took place, with the war going on, and where her only objective is to finish off Snow. It doesn't mean we have to antagonize that, though. I mean, well, that's Katniss. She's been in the Hunger Games twice. She's been puppeteered by both the Capitol and the cause she's fighting for. I don't think we can expect someone who's gone through all that terror to be perfect...
Okay, so yeah, I'm defending her.

Anyway, after all that, all romantic paths are closed. In the end, the path will open up to whoever can give her hope, and as Katniss describes herself, the promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. The dandelion in the spring. So I don't agree with people saying that "Katniss settled for Peeta" in the way that implies she had no other choice because Gale's gone. No, I think she knew all along that she would end up with Peeta. Besides, her feelings for Gale grew because of all those years they built their friendship watching each others' backs, but the feelings for Peeta grew out of something stronger, something irreversibly tragic that requires comfort and healing of sorts that only Peeta can give her. Remember when Prim used to be her source of strength, comfort, joy? Well, Peeta has that same role, and more importantly now, now that Prim's gone.

Another huge twist for me is when Katniss decides to shoot Coin instead of Snow! For a moment I found myself confused and got the impression somehow I've been duped, but then I reread it again until I understood. Ah, it's the thing with people, power, war. It turns everything around. One moment we're too focused on one enemy we're blinded by the much bigger picture of the war and everything that's happening. Until Katniss finally has that moment of revelation. I think Katniss knows that with Coin as the new president, there will hardly be any change. It will just be the same. Coin's war tactics were beyond cruel, especially with those bombs that killed those children and Prim. It's great that Katniss realized that; who she really had to kill to stop the whole cycle. Snow would be executed anyway, but no one would stop Coin. Not that the doubt of the goodness and stability of humanity finally comes to an end. It's the whole point, isn't it? That there is no black or white. Everything, involving people, power, and war, is gray.

Again, everything important happens while we're left alone with Katniss and her mind. It's just all over too soon. And though I'm happy that Katniss finally ends up with Peeta, what doesn't seem fair is the way that they finally get together. It's too short, too quick... I mean, after all those things they've been through...not to mention together?? They unite...just like that? It's just, too quick. And why doesn't Suzanne Collins give us more closure about the other characters? Gale, especially. Why does she dismiss him just like that? I get the tragedy and all, the lingering feeling of lost, hollowness, and sadness that haunts us after we've done reading. The impression that Katniss might not be able to ever forgive Gale. It's just we want the book to provide more closure, both on the characters and the story, but somehow we didn't get that. Didn't get enough of it, to say more accurately.

But despite finding the third book unsatisfying, I can't help loving the series as a whole... I couldn't even afford to give Mockingjay a three-star review on goodreads.com. I gave it four-stars, because I can't help feeling attached to the whole series and loving the third book despite its flaws and quite unsatisfactory ending (actually it's less about the ending than how it ended). I mean, it isn't that bad, it's just...after reading Catching Fire, you'd expect something even mindblowing that would totally top that off, something that would offer, you know, more live action, more shocking intensity in every turn of the page...and in the whole aspects, whether it's story, character, closure and so on. But in the end it doesn't matter...because it's The Hunger Games. :)

Female power

I can't help but notice how many of the characters crucial to the war are women. Coin, Paylor, Jackson who is second in command after Boggs. And then Paylor gets selected as president after Coin. Many of the victors are also women, Mags being a mentor for Finnick in his games. And of course Katniss herself, since the beginning of the trilogy, being the survivor and always resolving to protect. It's intriguing to see the force Suzanne Collins' is trying to bring up here...that feminist touch. Not that I mind. ;)

_ _ _ __ ___ _____________ ___ __ _ _ _

And can I just add one thing that annoys me? It's all this Team Peeta and Team Gale thing, I mean, it makes it seem as if all we care about is just who Katniss ends up with. I know I've been talking a lot about Katniss and Peeta and Gale, but I think what I did was more about trying to decipher Katniss' feelings and make myself understand as well, than mindlessly fighting with you about who should be with Katniss. If that's what you care about it's fine with me, but at least don't make it sound like you ship one and recklessly hate on the other. With all this Team Peeta and Team Gale. They were never against each other, what the...? -__- This is what twihards do. I mean, this isn't Twilight. Just saying. Peeta and Gale weren't even fighting for Katniss, and Katniss herself said she didn't even have time for any of it because she felt she had a bigger, more important mission to carry on. Katniss isn't the type who thinks about these stuff, she could survive fairly well on her own! Only of course she needs a source of comfort, joy, and happiness after all that's happened, so it's good that she ended up with Peeta. Since the beginning, at least to me, it's obvious she would end up with Peeta anyway, because tagging along with the course of the story, that's how it's meant to be, and how Suzanne Collins intended it to be. So quit making it sound as if Katniss was a shallow, dependent girl who all she cares about is who she'll end up marrying. There's much more to the story than that! That long exhausting journey on how she ends up with Peeta, for instance. The Hunger Games itself??
...

Anyway guys here's something I reblogged on tumblr. I don't know the original creator of this piece, so if anyone knows who assembled this together please tell me and I will include it. I just wanna say that this really, really touched me. And I ended up listening to Jimmy Eat World's song "Hear You Me" over and over again crying my eyes out. Yeah, thanks a lot. -_-

I got the idea from our family's plant book. The place where we recorded those things you cannot trust to memory. The page begins with the person's picture. A photo if we can find it. If not, a sketch or painting by Peeta. Then, in my most careful handwriting, come to all the details it would be a crime to forget. Lady licking Prim's cheek. My father's laugh. Peeta's father with the cookies. The color of Finnick's eyes. What Cinna could do with a length of silk. Boggs reprogramming the Holo. Rue poised on her toes, arms slightly extended, like a bird about to take flight. On and on. We seal the pages with salt water and promises to live well to make their deaths count.

Okay. I feel a little better right now. After crying my eyes out to the song, reminiscing all my favorite characters who died. Sigh. (I'm pathetic, I know)

*I noticed they used Garrett Hedlund for Finnick on the GIF above, and yeah, I agree he'd be the perfect Finnick. Just hope the rumors are true.

*Again I'm sorry for my lack of diction variety and grammar flaws, English is not my first language, hehe. :3

As you can see this is a really freakin nerdy post and how freaky I put on quite a lot of effort putting all this together, haha. That is just how much I love The Hunger Games. :)

On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that. So after, when he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?" I tell him, "Real."