But it remains absolutely relevant.
Today, after cleaning up my room, I spent a whole afternoon just sitting and dwelling in my thoughts with the music blaring, as if waiting for something amazing to happen, for inspiration to strike out of nowhere. Afterwards I lied in bed and fell asleep. It’s been years since I felt this awful about myself. I mean, the feeling never really goes away, but this time it’s reached its peak again. The cause? After-graduation. Unemployment. Dreams and expectations screaming inside my head.
Have you ever felt like you’ve reached a dead end? There are many options, in truth, but when you break it down, what it really comes down to is the fact that you are actually…scared. Either you choose option A or option B, you feel insecure about how these options might or might not bring happiness to you. I thought I was over the whole fear thing, but this is a new kind of fear I guess. When you ask yourself what you really want to do, you think it’s irrelevant because you believe it will never happen. There’s a difference between dreams and fantasies. I am nowhere near actualizing my own dreams, thus in my fantasy they now belong. Hell both option A or option B are not even stable. This means, both options could easily slip away from me.
When I think about the source of my fear, I find that the real reason I’m scared of my future is me. I’m afraid I might mess up, bring embarrassment to my family, get fired at work, give myself a bad name—there’s just too much going on inside my head when I haven’t even made my first step. And I keep doing that…I keep worrying about things that are nowhere near happening, things that I actually have control over when the time comes to it. I feel like I might blow up. Do you know what that feels like?
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