a post that could be just about anything

Just how many people are there on this planet? Is it so impossible that among millions I'm unable to find one that should belong to me? I can't seem to find a cooler name for it so let's just call it The One. Yeah, that 'The One'. In fact let me mention another name that could help give a better picture to where this talk is leading to; soul mate. If you're a friend of mine and you happen to be reading this, you're probably laughing right now. I know, this is ridiculous, right? Well anyway ridiculous is fun, ain't it? ;)

Okay so I know I'm still nineteen, but I'll be twenty in June. And it's freaking me out. I'm one of those people with the Peter Pan Complex who don't wanna age and want to keep doing stuff young, free-spirited people do (not that I'm exactly doing anything right now, which is a huge disappointment for me, anyway) and it frightens me that I have to leave that teen age because I haven't done much. Now I must sound really ridiculous.

Mostly I regret the moments I let pass by so passively in college. When I was in high school, I imagined I was gonna do great things, join organizations, be an active student, you know, all sorts of dreams of a girl who was never outspoken and quite unpopular in high school. Turned out those dreams were left unbaked. Does that make sense? Anyway, I was saying that I had these plans for me since high school for my campus life. But things didn't turn out the way I pictured them to be. I'm still that stagnant, introvert, insecure girl I was in high school. Maybe worse, I dunno. I've improved in some ways, but other ways I'm afraid I've gotten worse. I've been achievement-absent since the beginning of college. Meanwhile, in high school I was still able to present some trophies for my school. So, I guess I've sort of deteriorated in the case of self-production?

I wish I could write about something that could entertain you, but I'm not much of an entertainer myself, so, excusez moi. But hey, maybe this post will make you laugh anyhow, if someway you find this amusing, lol. :D

So here's the case, I'm turning twenty in less than a month, and as I said before I'm freaking out. Earlier this year (well actually since the two last months of last year) I made this sort of list of resolutions, stuff I need to do before I turn twenty, and none of them have gotten themselves a check so far. One of them is to get a boyfriend. LOL, this is so ridiculous, I know! Not only that, I even resolved that I'd tell a boy I liked him once I really did for the chance that he'd be my first ever boyfriend. But looking around, well, based on my own personal taste, none of the guys I know right now made the cut for it. I mean, there isn't a single manly gentleman-like trait that I could completely look up to and rely on in any of them right now. It's just a subjective observation, no need to get pissed off, friend of mine. It just simply means that most of them aren't my type...

The truth is, this post has been kept in the draft list for a month and those five paragraphs you just read, well I wrote them a month ago. Yep. Quite a lot has changed in a month. One thing is that I managed to master SketchUp, which means I got one item off my 2011 resolutions list! Off the list off the list! The rest? Well, they're still floating in midair somewhere, waiting for the hands of God to reach them and make them materialize in front of me. And then there's this boyfriend thing. You know what? Probably the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I don't need one. I think I can safely state that I'm quite independent (even though I'm a mess) and I can quite comfortably say that through all these two years in college I've managed to do things on my own; I'm able to go anywhere by myself, can download stuff from the internet on my own, and I'm able to solve my own problems. I think. I also think I'm not that much of a whiner either, even though sometimes I try to be one, you know, to get some attention, because I sorta need that. Well, I guess that just about answers it. I want -no, need someone's attention. Someone who would really care about me and who isn't just curious like most people. But that person doesn't have to be your boyfriend, right? It could be just anyone, your mom, dad, your best friend, your brother, sister?

Why is it so hard for me to really get close to someone? Why is it so hard for me to find that kind of person?
Okay, just for the record, I've never met someone in my life to whom I can exclaim "Gosh, you're so cool!" to, and I see that as my own fault. I often set up these too-high standards for people, and when they deviate only a little from the so-called 'path' I designed for them, when only a tiny part of the perfect imagery I created of them in my head is smudged, I get disappointed. It probably has something to do with my childhood -yeah, I have this kind of story I'm gonna tell about my childhood, but maybe in another post. (?)

I'd like it, just for once, that people would live up to my expectations and not disappoint. Probably one of the reasons why it's so hard for me to get real close to someone is because I consciously build walls around me, because I'm scared people will disappoint me. Many, many people have disappointed me in my life, you see. Friends, even family. But I don't make it an issue, it's just, it's somehow preventing me to trust somebody and to really rely on them. In most of my childhood years, and in my entire teen years, I've always relied on myself. The problem isn't them, it's just me. Told ya I was insecure and too sensitive. Okay, I'm gonna stop before I spill too much about myself. Back to the boyfriend thing.

Maybe, I just want to know what it's like to be in a relationship. Maybe, I'm just curious. But maybe, I'm not worth it. Maybe, deep inside me is just a kid who doesn't know anything about these grown-up stuff. Maybe, I've been too comfortable dreaming I forgot to think about the reality of it all. Me? Dating? Okay, enough about this boyfriend thingy. (You've had your laugh, guys).

My 2011 resolutions list was supposed to be fulfilled before I turned 20, but seeming how it is impossible now, I decided to prolong it until the end of 2011, hence the name '2011 Resolutions List'. :D

I have other positive things going on in the list too you know, like teaching, completing the story for my to-be upcoming novel, sign up for competitions, etcetera etcetera. The fact is, I did sort of be in a competition the last four weeks. I signed up for an English Debate Contest in the Faculty of Engineering and was in at the..., the round before the semifinals, what do you call it? Anyway, yeah. I sorta came out to the surface again, after two years. But it was only one round, and then I was a substitute for the semifinals and the finals. Well, ultimately our team won first place, so it really didn't matter if I was in on the action or not.

And teaching? Yeah, we're having a three month holiday ahead of us (sorta like a summer vacation?) and I'm planning to be a private course English teacher for the next three months. Because, you know, it seems like it would be a fun thing to do, teaching, especially a subject you love most. :D

This is the part where the story gets boring and you wanna get out of here. Well fellas, this is also the part where I'm gonna end it for now. I started off at soul mate topic and ended in no man's land, lol, pardon.

Ciao! Thanks for sticking around the beginning of this post till the end.