Curcol #1: Invisible

Ummm, before you read this, please note that this is a little personal. But I wrote it down anyway, just because I wanted to let it all out.

Do you sometimes wish you didn't exist? Sometimes I do. Let's play a little game called "Imagination: My Nonexistence". Peraturannya gampang, tinggal membayangkan bagaimana jadinya dunia tanpa kehadiranku. If I didn't exist, my brother would be a single child. If I didn't exist, anak ars 09' inter hanya berjumlah 12 orang. If I didn't exist................ Anehnya sekarang pikiranku lagi ga kreatif dan males mikir to come up with more facts. Pokoknya semua pasti beda.

Saya itu labil. You know water, when it's steady, it's really steady, tapi kalo diguncang dikiiiiiiit aja, itu bukan main efeknya. Lebih kurang seperti itulah. -__-

Okelah, saya bersyukur atas kehidupan ini. I'm thankful that God created me. But along with my existence, I wish I were invisible. Ya mungkin kalo dibandingkan dengan situasi saat ini ga ada bedanya (berhubung saya merasa ga ada yang bisa melihat saya hahaha) tapi saya tuh pengen benar-benar invisible, literally invisible. Jadi ga nanggung-nanggung invisible-nya. You know, sometimes people look at me like I'm some other creature from another planet. I mean, duh, I didn't ask to be created. Why is it my fault that I existed? Atau itu hanya perasaanku saja?

Labil. Sometimes I just hate myself. I hate how I made other people see me. I hate the impression that I made about myself. Because I'M NOT LIKE THAT. And I didn't mean to be like that. I'm just this ordinary girl who just likes being behind the screen and hates the attention because I've had ENOUGH of all the attention when I was a kid. Yep. Back then, all eyes were on me as if I was a creature about to be extinct and nobody knew how I felt at that time. No one could understand me. And no one can understand me now.

I miss my self as a child. My brave, daring, adventurous, confident, friendly, and cheerful old self. Yep. I blame those days, back in the past. The days that changed my life forever. If only I had lived a normal life, away from all the noise, all the whispering, all the staring, all the attention. If only. And now I'm just this stupid girl stuck in her own stupid head, wishing she was invisible when all she wants is to stand out.

Does that make sense?

Whatever.

Perkenalkan, inilah keLABILan saya.

Nanti-nanti juga baikan.

Maaf.